WELCOME!
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THANK YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL IN A GOOD MOOD BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, AM NOT
PANICKING.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE THESE BURNED.
THEN BURN THE PERSON WHO BURNED THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE PANICKING.
NAMELY, WALL STREET.
IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF THIS WEEK, THE DOW LOST 2,000 POINTS,
BUT LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO
REASSURE INVESTORS, AND TODAY IT BOUNCED BACK-- BY PLUNGING
ALMOST 1,200 POINTS, THE LARGEST SINGLE DAY DROP IN HISTORY.
THAT MUST BE SO HARD FOR THE GUYS ON WALL STREET.
IF ONLY THEY HAD ACCESS TO SOME SORT OF DRUG THAT WOULD MAKE
THEM FEEL BETTER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN MAKE THEM THINK THEY
COULD START A BAND!
( LAUGHTER ) SEE THERE'S A NEW CASE IN THE
UNITED STATES, AND THIS PERSON TID NOT APPEAR TO HAVE TRAVELED
TO COUNTRIES HIT BY THE VIRUS OR BEEN EXPOSED TO A KNOWN
CORONAVIRUS PATIENT.
OKAY.
WELL.
GOOD TO KNOW.
EXCUSE ME FOR JUST A MOMENT.
(RINGS BELL) PLAGUE!
PLAGUE!
A RIGHTEOUS CLEANSING TO PUNISH MAN FOR HIS VANITY AND LUST!
SWING YOUR SCYTHE, OH ANGRY GOD!
REPENT!
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE WAS I?
YEAH, THE CALIFORNIA CASE IS OFFICIALLY AMERICA'S FIRST
INSTANCE OF COMMUNITY TRANSMISSION, WHICH MEANS THERE
IS A GOOD CHANCE THERE ALREADY ARE PEOPLE INFECTED IN THIS
COUNTRY AND THAT THE VIRUS IS CIRCULATING UNDETECTED.
SO, YOU ONLY NEED TO BE CONCERNED IF YOU'RE IN THIS
COUNTRY, AND PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE MIGHT BE A LOT MORE PEOPLE
INFECTED THAN WE KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE ON TRIAL RUNS IN SOME
STATES, THE C.D.C.'S CORONAVIRUS TESTING KITS
PRODUCED RESULTS THAT WERE "INCONCLUSIVE."
INCONCLUSIVE IS NOT GOOD FOR A TEST THIS IMPORTANT!
THAT'S WHY, WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO FIND OUT IF THEY'RE PREGNANT,
THEY DON'T PEE ON A MAGIC 8 BALL!
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, UH -- IT
SAYS, UH -- HONEY, IT SAYS -- HONEY, IT SAYS
"PEE AGAIN LATER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OF COURSE, DURING ANY HEALTH SCARE, IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY
AWAY FROM DANGEROUS TRANSMISSION VECTORS-- MAINLY THE INTERNET,
WHICH IS FULL OF FAKE CURES FOR CORONAVIRUS.
ONE RUMOR CLAIMS THAT BOILED GARLIC CAN CURE THE VIRUS.
ANOTHER SUGGESTS THAT YOU "DRINK BLEACH."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS,
BUT, DON'T DRINK BLEACH.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
IT'S BAD FOR YOU, AND IT RUINS THE TASTE OF THE TIDEPODS.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, AT HIS PRESS
CONFERENCE, TRUMP SAID HE DOESN'T THINK THE STOCK MARKET
DEATH SPIRAL HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CORONAVIRUS.
>> I THINK THE FINANCIAL MARKETS ARE VERY UPSET WHEN THEY LOOK AT
THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES STANDING ON THE STAGE MAKING
FOOLS OUT OF THEMSELVES.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "YES, AND THE DARK AGES WERE NOT
IN ANY WAY AFFECTED BY THE BLACK DEATH.
VASSALS WERE JUST UPSET THAT EDWARD III WAS A SOCIALIST.
LEECH-CARE FOR ALL?
WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT?
THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR?
COME ON."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE WORDS I JUST SAID.
."
TRUMP'S BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT LAST NIGHT WAS THAT THE
CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE EFFORT WILL BE SPEARHEADED BY VICE PRESIDENT
AND MAN WATCHING HIS WIFE FLIRT WITH THE BALLOON ANIMAL MAKER,
MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE GREATEST CRISIS OF
TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY, AND HIS FIRST RESPONSE IS, "MIKE, YOU'RE
UP."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S JUST LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE
ON HARRY TRUMAN'S DESK: "THE BUCK'S IN MIKE PENCE'S OFFICE!"
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE VICE PRESIDENT DOES HAVE
EXPERIENCE WITH OUTBREAKS.
SPECIFICALLY, MAKING THEM WORSE.
BECAUSE, WHEN HE WAS THE GOVERNOR OF INDIANA, PENCE'S
REFUSAL TO IMPLEMENT A NEEDLE EXCHANGE PROGRAM LED TO THE
WORST H.I.V. OUTBREAK IN THE STATE'S HISTORY.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
"IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, WELCOME TO THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THE POINT OF THAT PRESS
CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH.
AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT, "OFFICIALS AT TRUMP'S
CORONAVIRUS BRIEFING FOCUSED ON PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF
CRITICISM OF TRUMP."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, AND THAT IS VERY
CONTAGIOUS.
EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT.
I MIGHT BE PATIENT ZERO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOT TO BE CAREFUL.
>> Jon: EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS IT RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: AND THIS DESIRE TO PREVENT ANY
CRITICISM IS WHAT MAKES THIS NEXT DETAIL SO DISTURBING.
FROM NOW ON, MIKE PENCE WILL CONTROL ALL CORONAVIRUS
MESSAGING FROM HEALTH OFFICIALS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND HIS FIRST ORDER IS RENAMING
THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, "PRAY AWAY THE PLAGUE."
( LAUGHTER ) PENCE HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT OUT
FOR HIM.
ALL OVER THE WORLD, CORONAVIRUS IS HAVING A HUGE IMPACT ON DAILY
LIFE.
HERE IN THE U.S., A GROWING LIST OF COLLEGES ARE CANCELING OR
REROUTING STUDY-ABROAD PROGRAMS BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
(AS PARENT) "SORRY, DEVIN.
I KNOW YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT ITALY, BUT YOU CAN STUDY ART
HISTORY RIGHT HERE AT THE MALL.
YOU KNOW, AT SPENCERS, THEY HAVE POSTERS WHERE IF YOU GET REAL
CLOSE AND RELAX YOUR EYES, YOU CAN SEE A SAILBOAT!
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE
CRYING."
( LAUGHTER ) DEVIN IS SO UPSET HE'S CRYING IN
THIS REENACTMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) CORONAVIRUS IS EVEN DISRUPTING
HOW PEOPLE EAT.
RESTAURANTS IN CHINA ARE GOING TO EXTREME MEASURES TO PROTECT
CUSTOMERS.
>> YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW NORMAL FOR MANY FAST FOOD
RESTAURANTS IN CHINA.
CUSTOMERS ENTERING THIS KFC PASSING THROUGH THE NOW-STANDARD
TEMPERATURE CHECKS.
WALKING UP TO A GIANT SCREEN, THEY EITHER TRANSFER THEIR ORDER
FROM THEIR SMARTPHONES, THUS AVOIDING TOUCHING THE SURFACE,
OR THEY TYPE IT IN.
AS SOON AS THEY STEP AWAY, AN EMPLOYEE SWOOPS IN TO DISINFECT.
>> STEPHEN: I'VE GOT TO SAY, IF YOU'RE THAT CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR
HEALTH, WHY ARE YOU EATING AT KFC?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO GOOD.
>> Jon: WHAT ABOUT POPEYES?
>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF, BEFORE
DRIVING INTO THE CANYON, THELMA AND LOUISE HAD SAID, "OH-OH,
SEATBELTS!" ( LAUGHTER )
THESE STRICT NEW PRECAUTIONS EXTEND TO TAKE OUT FOOD AS WELL.
>> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS HERE.
THEY LEAVE IT THERE.
HE TELLS ME I CAN...
I MOVE IN, PICK UP THE FOOD AND HEAD HOME TO EAT.
AND AS SOON AS YOU GET YOUR FOOD, YOU'LL NOTICE ON TOP OF
THE RECEIPT IS THIS LITTLE CARD.
IT HAS TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF READINGS ON IT.
THE TEMPERATURE READING OF THE PERSON WHO PREPARED YOUR FOOD,
ALONG WITH THEIR NAME, AND THE NAME AND TEMPERATURE READING OF
THE PERSON WHO DELIVERED YOUR FOOD.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A LITTLE INVASIVE.
"OKAY, I'LL GET A MEDIUM PIE, HALF PEPPERONI, HALF GREEN
PEPPER, A TWO LITER OF COKE AND BOTH THE ORAL AND RECTAL
TEMPERATURES OF EVERYONE IN YOUR KITCHEN.
THANKS!
OOH!
GARLIC KNOTS."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: PROCTOR AND GAMBLE SAYS PRODUCTS CAN BE AFFECTED.
GET READY TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH A HYGIENE PRODUCT STILL
MADE IN AMERICA.
JACK DANIELS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT WILL TAKE THE
ENAMEL RIGHT OFF YOUR TEETH.
SOME CHINESE INGREDIENTS AFFECT EVEN THE MOST AMERICAN OF
PRODUCTS.
"COCA-COLA COULD BE IN TIGHT SUPPLY OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER
FOR DIET AND ZERO-SUGAR DRINKS BECAUSE OF CORONAVIRUS."
BUT DIET COKE IS ALREADY ADJUSTING THEIR RECIPE TO
COMPENSATE FOR THEIR LACK OF SWEETENER WITH THIS NEW PRODUCT:
>> WE ALL LOVE THE REFRESHING TASTE OF DIET COKE, BUT THE
CORONAVIRUS CUT OFF OUR SUPPLY OF SWEETENER.
SO INTRODUCING NEW DIET SOAK SAVORY.
IT'S ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT DIET COKE MINUS THAT SUGAR
RIFLAVOR, BECAUSE WE REPLACE THE SWEETENER WITH BEEF BULLION.
IT MAY TASTE DIFFERENT BUT IT'S STILL BUBBLY, STILL BROWN.
IT'S THE ONLY DIET SOFT DRINK THAT WILL MAKE YOU SAY, OOOH,
MOMMY!
SO LET THE EXPERTS WORRY ABOUT THE PANDEMIC AND KICK BACK WITH
A COLD, SALTY, DIET COKE.
DIET COKE SAVORY.
IT'S DIET BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANT TO DRINK IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JOHN TURTURRO IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )