Hello there.
A lot of people think that arguments in relationships are unhealthy.
But they're not unhealthy.
In fact, it can be a great way to not only purify the relationship,
but reach greater levels of harmony within that relationship.
But let's be honest, we've all been in THAT argument.
You know, the one that start as a little tiny flame and ends up as a damn forest fire.
Yeah.
Well when we get to those types of situations, the forest fire often has a way of destroying the relationship
instead of enhancing it.
Music by Lisa Thiel - Kuan Yin's Mantra
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How To De-Escalate an Argument
Some people are natural de-escalators when it comes to conflict.
These people are usually on the personality spectrum where they would rather die than deal with conflict.
They can't stand the heat of social pressure.
So they will do anything, including sacrifice their sense of self and their integrity
for the sake of getting out from underneath an argument.
If this sounds like you, I have a video for you.
It's called: "How To Overcome The Fear Of Conflict".
Some of us on the other hand, are not natural de-escalators.
To the contrary.
We don't really consciously wanna destroy a relationship,
but what happens when we get into a conflict, is that we basically get so incredibly defensive
that once a line is crossed, there's an aspect of us that's simply out for blood.
If you struggle with this kind of de-escalating, then you can be sure that in your childhood
you did not have a healthy model for how to de-escalate conflicts,
or how to even resolve them.
That's why you're in the position you are in today.
And chances are, you spent your lifetime in your childhood involved in relationships
that were essentially based on control dynamics.
If you're this kind of person, the first thing you have to own up to
is that you struggle in life to feel save, especially in relationships.
You're naturally distrusting, so it takes very little for you to feel as if someone else
is not gonna capitalize on your own best interest.
When someone is not gonna capitalize on your own best interest,
they're not safe to you, they're a threat to you.
You perceive them as the enemy, and you treat them as such.
If you know this is you.
when this video is over, I want you to watch my video on youtube titled "Trust".
"What is trust and how to build it in relationships".
Now the point I'm going to make is the most important one I'm gonna make in this video
about people who naturally escalate in arguments, instead of de-escalate.
If you're this person who escalates in your arguments.
Where you experience relationships where there is a great deal of escalation
and if you feel a resistance to any of the suggestions that I give in the rest of this video,
then you need to seriously look at and meditate upon the potential
that you don't actually want to de-escalate in arguments.
This involves two things.
What positive things are we getting out of a fight?
What bad things would happen i f we took responsibility for de-escalating a fight,
in any way we can?
If we feel fear about being the one to de-escalate a conflict instead of escalate a conflict,
then you can be sure that there's a trauma at the root of that fear.
We're afraid that some bad thing is going to happen as a result of trying to de-ascalate,
or we had a bad experience when we tried to de-escalate before, usually very early in our childhood,
and it's that original trauma, which needs focus and attention.
When we feel triggered by the idea of de-escalating, we can go into the feeling of that trigger,
and use the completion process with it by asking:
"When was the first time I felt this exact same feeling?"
or "When was the first time I learned it isn't safe to be soft and open, so I could make a situation better?"
I'll give you an example.
One time I was working with a girl who was an escalator in relationships,
and when we went into the trauma or the trigger around de-escalating a conflict,
we found that she lived with a narcissistic mother.
So when she was 2 years old, anything she did to try to make mom happy didn't work,
she would just have to be abused waiting around, essentially, untill mom decided to feel better,
and then pretend it didn't even happen.
So there was no way, actually, to resolve or de-escalate the conflict with this person.
And so, it was survival mode.
Anytime she tried to create that resolution by de-escalating, she got hurt worse.
So essentially, the way she survived her mother was by being incredibly abrasive.
You can learn the completion process in my book titled: "The Completion Process".
Chances are high, that if you have an aversion to conflict resolution,
the relationships you had in your early life between your family members were full of unhealthy control dynamics.
Where no one was really there for eachother's best interests
So aside from that, what can you do if you're a natural escalator.
And you have an issue with de-escalating conflicts, cause you don't know how.
More than that, how are some healthy ways to de-escalate a conflict in relationships?
1. 99.9% of the time when a conflict is escalating, it's because there's a huge gap in communication
between the parties involved.
I want you to think of this gap in this way.
Let's pretend I put you on one continent, and another person on the other continent.
And then you had to argue your position.
But because of that gap, you can't really perceive each other.
You're not seeing each others points of views.
You're not even probably arguing about the same damn thing.
And so, what happens is you get louder and louder so you can try to get your point across.
Essentially, the two people are on a different page.
And they're not often arguing about the same thing.
And here's the thing.
Often, we are not even conscious enough ourselves about what the real conflict is about.
Okay. Here's an example of what I mean.
Let's say two people are trying to agree on who to hire to be part of a company.
As they express their desires and concerns.
The issue keeps escalating and escalating.
Soon, nothing one of them says makes the other feel better.
In fact, everything they say makes the situation worse.
We may come to find that while one person is arguing about who to hire,
the other is actually arguing about the feeling that the other person doesn't have enough concern
for her needs in general, or his needs in general.
This is a classic dynamic between men and women, by the way.
We have to become aware of the core of the argument for both people.
And let's say that we hire a therapist or a mediator,
you have got to hire someone who is smart enough to get you to become aware of what your actual key issue in this argument is.
Otherwise, we're not going to be arguing about the same thing.
Essentially, the surface situation that you think you're arguing about,
is not actually what you're arguing about.
It is so important to be on the same page in all of your relationships.
For more information about this, I want you to watch my youtube video titled: "Get on the same page".
If you're a natural escalator.
In the middle of the arguments, when you start feeling completely blown up by that forest fire.
I want you to ask yourself the following questions:
"What is my fear underneath this surface of this argument?"
"What am I really upset about in this situation?"
"Is the fight about what it appears to be about?"
"Or about something deeper?"
Then that needs to be communicated.
We need to actually make the other person aware of what the actual argument is about.
We also have to be clear, both parties, about what our goal of the conversation, or in this case argument, is really about.
Because the more on track we stay with our goals, the easier it is to resolve conflict and de-escalate.
2. We need to make the conscious commitment to stay as calm as possible when an argument ensues.
This may seem simple. And yes, it's not always possible.
But here's the thing.
An intention goes a long way.
And oftentimes, when we don't stay calm in an argument.
It's because we're not actually committed to doing it.
We haven't made that commitment.
So obviously, it's not gonna happen.
Begin breathing, so you're body is fully oxygenated.
And then, consciously focus on the words coming out of your mouth,
so they can be as deliberate as possible.
Now, whatever you do, I don't want you suppressing.
So, I don't want you to be like: "Okay, I'm gonna stay calm and then stuff it down."
No.
What it is, is that, that rage within your body that is very easily expressed as rage,
I want you to imagine: Where is it in my body?
Usually, it's in your ribs, in your chest and throat.
I want you to imagine taking a pink light, or some color of your choice,
whatever works for you the most,
and I want you to imagine surrounding that energy of rage, inside of your chest,
that upset, with that energy so you're holding and cradling it.
You're actually giving it that loving attention that it needs instead of suppressing it.
When you do that, the higher part of you, let's say the more eternal part of you,
takes care of your temporal trigger,
so that you can communicate in a way that doesn't destroy your relationship.
3. No matter what you have heard from experts in the past.
Unless you are dealing with two people, who are both soothed by alone time.
When you're in the middle of a conflict.
Never leave eachother's physical presence.
Do not take a time-out.
This is perceived in the majority of people as an abandonement.
And not only does it make matters worse, quite often it severs the connection between the two people completely.
It is a terrible technique unless you cannot control physically abusing the other person.
I'm gonna say this again.
When you walk away from a conflict in a relationship,
it is perceived as abandonement in a time of relationship insecurity.
4. Since safety is the biggest issue for escalators in a conflict,
you gotta feel safe.
This goes for not just you, but the other person as well.
So both people in the conflict have to ask themselves.
"What would make me feel just a little bit more safe right now?"
We've gotta learn how to de-activate the nervous system, that's in a space of fight or flight.
So, if that means having a blanket over your head and cocooning yourself in it while you're having this conversation,
then that's what it means.
If it means you need some warm water, then that's what it means.
Meet the safety needs and your nervous system will naturally come out of arousal.
I offer an arsenal suggestions for this in my video titled "Upset"
and what to do when you're upset.
Here's the reality, oftentimes our upset needs to have some in-dept attention
before any conversation about the actual argument can continue.
This is 100% the case if you're so shut down that you resist your partner's touch
and fly into a rage if they try to introduce humor into the situation.
The bottom line is that if you've crossed the line of unsafety and threat
you have to directly deal with that first and not the details of this specific argument you were starting off fighting about.
5. The minute you feel yourself switching into that defense kill mode,
where it almost feels like the armor is going down over you,
you are heading into the relationship danger zone.
So, what I want you to do right here, without leaving each other's vicinity,
and ofcourse this has to be agreed upon that this is going to be how you deal with serious conflicts when you get into them,
both people involved in the argument, are going to sit down wherever they are,
are going to close their eyes and go internal instead.
Both people are going to get clear on the core of their fear about the situation,
as well as get into the other person's perspective and try to perceive their fear.
Anytime we are dealing with severe levels of agression, defensiveness, anger and rage,
you are dealing with the feeling of powerlesness and fear.
So the question for each individual person to get clear about is:
"What do I feel powerless and fearful about?"
Then, let's just pretend that you're one of these people who has a really hard time not escalating through your voice.
Here's your strategy.
Once you come out of the meditation, each of you, you're going to get individual writing pads or computers.
You're gonna write down the perception that you had.
So, you're gonna write down what your basic powerlesness and fear is really about.
And what you found out during this tiny little instant meditation,
and also what you found out about thinking about considering the other person's fear and perspective.
Then you're going to swap and share what you discovered.
>From there you have a choice.
If you trust yourself not to escalate through your voice, then you can continue discussing verbally what you both found out.
However, if you don't trust yourself to not escalate with your voice.
You don't want to use your voice.
You want to start writing back and forth.
So, you can use one writing pad, or one note pad, or one computer.
And one person is going to type what they think, the other person is going to type the response.
Kind of like, even though you're in the same room, you're text messaging to each other.
That gives you the time necessary to think about what you're gonna actually commit to putting down.
It helps a lot to de-escalate conflicts.
6. To de-escalate a conflict you're going to make yourself as non-threatening as possible.
What does this mean?
It means that you're going to try to touch the other person.
Or they're going to try to touch you.
Physical touch naturally soothes and causes an opening and softening within people in an argument.
Also, you're gonna deliberately use body language that says to the other person,
I'm not close to you, I'm open to you.
That includes making eye contact and not folding your arms and keeping your chest open to them,
as if I wanna be connected to you, so I'm not a threat to you.
7. If we can, and if it's appropriate, introduce humor into the circumstance.
Humor causes natural softening and it makes a very serious situation seem not so serious.
Now obviously, you don't wanna introduce humor into a situation with someone who is feeling really unsafe and triggered.
Because if you do that, it says to the other person:
"I don't really care about the way you feel, I don't really see this as important right now."
And trust me, the response you will get is the exact opposite of de-escalation.
8. We need to try to figure out what the other person in the argument needs.
What is that they're desperately crying out for?
Then, knowing that, we need to try to create a win-win situation for both of us.
We have to begin to acknowledge emotions and learn how to deal with negative emotion,
if someone is really upset.
An emotion holds the key to you understanding what the other person really needs.
To learn how to do this.
I want you to watch my video on youtube titled: "The Emotional Wake-up Call."
9. This is a technique that most de-escalators have learned that it's time for you to learn if you can.
If you want to de-escalate a conflict, you've gotta switch into a mode,
energetically, mentally, emotionally,
of receptivity, compassion and wanting to learn from the other person.
Ask genuinely caring questions to understand why they are so upset.
This open and compassionate stance is an energy that disarms the defence and calms the fire.
10. Take responsibility for your role in a fight, or your contribution to the other person
feeling afraid, hurt, or powerless.
Apology is kind of like dumping fire over flame.
It puts it out.
But apology is a lot easier said than done for people who escalate.
Because apology is really hard for people who are perfectionistic.
Because obviously, by apologizing you have to admit to mistake.
It's also very hard for people who have been used to situations or relationships
that are about nothing but power dynamics.
Because in the minute that you apologize, you basically sink down into a position of weakness.
Or that's the way it feels.
And so, obviously, if you don't the other person and you sink into a place of surrender,
that's when the most contro ldynamic freaks go in for the kill.
So if you're one of those people who is like:
"Oh my God, I hate apology more than anything, I would rather die than apologize."
Chances are, that's the reason why.
But you still need to know that apology is one of the best ways to de-activate an argument.
11. This is pretty self-explanatory, but I'm gonna say it anyways.
Avoid triggers.
Essentially, when you get to know somebody, you know all of their hot-button subjects.
You know what buttons to push to piss them off, to freak them out, to trigger the hell out of them.
If you want to de-escalate a conflict, do the exact opposite of this.
If you're a natural escalator.
What does this mean?
Do the opposite of what you naturally do.
Because you know what you do in an argument.
You go for the kill shot.
You go straight for their deepest insecurity.
Do the opposite of that if you want to de-escalate.
Avoid those triggers like the plague.
So, for example, if you're dealing with somebody that has an insecurity around being fat.
Never, ever, ever bring that up in an argument.
12. We need to have some steps, some concrete ways, let's call them techniques,
for resolving conflict.
When conflict arises we're being called to embody greater depts of intimacy and harmony.
We're being called to become as aware as possible of ourselves relative to a subject.
We can either answer that call, or allow the conflict to drag us deeper into levels of unconsciousness.
We can seek a meeting of minds or we can become reactive and try to end the conflict through power struggle.
For more information about specific techniques to use,
specifically for confict resolution, which is different than de-escalation,
watch my youtube titled: "How To Resolve Conflict".
De-escalating conflicts is not as hard as you might think,
that is provided that when you get into an argument you're not going for the kill shot.
You're not out to win and you're not trying to control someone.
Which is very hard to do, by the way, when we feel unsafe.
The first thing we want to do is go for the kill shot, try to control and all that good stuff.
So, next time you get into a fight that escalates,
try these techniques for de-escalation.
And make sure that that flame doesn't turn into a forest fire.
Have a good week.
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