SPEAKING OF WHICH, PRESIDENT
TRUMP SPENT MUCH OF LAST WEEK IN GERMANY FOR THE G20 SUMMIT.
IT'S A BIG DEAL, AND WORLD LEADERS WORK ON THEIR G20
AGENDAS FOR MONTHS.
BUT THE DAY BEFORE THE CONFERENCE, THE PRESIDENT WAS
REPORTEDLY "REMARKABLY UNPREPARED" AND HAD "NO SET
AGENDA AND WAS JUST GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHATEVER IS ON HIS
MIND AT THE MOMENT."
IN FACT, THE WHITE HOUSE WAS SO UNPREPARED, THEY WAITED TOO LONG
TO BOOK ACCOMMODATIONS, LEAVING HIM WITH NO HOTEL ROOM FOR THE
G20.
OH, MR. HOTEL-MAN WITHOUT A HOTEL!
HOW IRONIC!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST GO TO AIRBNB!
ALMOST LIKE MR. BILLIONAIRE REPEATEDLY DECLARING BANKRUPTCY.
THE CITY OF HAMBURG STEPPED UP AND GRACIOUSLY LET TRUMP STAY IN
ITS SENATE GUESTHOUSE BECAUSE, UNLIKE TRUMP, GERMANY IS
SYMPATHETIC TO FOREIGNERS WITHOUT A PLACE TO STAY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WHOA!
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: HUGE GERMAN FANS.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT THAT'S THE LAST BIT OF
FRIENDSHIP THE PRESIDENT WAS SHOWN BECAUSE HE'S PISSED OFF SO
MANY OF OUR ALLIES THAT, WELL, HERE HE IS AT THE SUMMIT.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
"IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
I LIKE BEING ALONE.
UNLESS SOMEONE WOULD LIKE MY TATER TOTS, IN WHICH I WILL
TRADE THEM FOR HUMAN CONTACT."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP TRIED TO MAKE A FEW
CONNECTIONS, BUT HE JUST ALIENATED HIMSELF FURTHER WHEN,
ON HIS OFFICIAL INSTAGRAM, HE MISTOOK THE PRIME MINISTER OF
SINGAPORE FOR THE PRESIDENT OF INDONESIA.
OKAY, SOUNDS BAD, BUT I WOULD CUT THE GUY SOME SLACK.
HIS PREVIOUS INTERNATIONAL EXPERIENCE WAS WITH THE
MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT, AND I'M SURE HE'D BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY
ALL THE WORLD LEADERS IF THEY'D JUST WEAR THEIR DAMN SASHES.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NICE.
LOGICAL.
IT IS LOGICAL.
>> KEEP IT ON.
>> Stephen: LOGICAL.
OF COURSE, THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOMENT WAS PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
FACE-TO-FACE MEETING WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.
I THINK IT WAS TRUMP'S SIX-MONTH PERFORMANCE REVIEW.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY HIT IT OFF.
EVIDENTLY THEY GOT ALONG LIKE A HOUSE AFIRE BECAUSE IT WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE A HALF-HOUR MEETING AND TURNED INTO TWO
HOURS AND 15 MINUTES.
IT'S LIKE A DATE YOU EXPECT TO BE AWKWARD, THEN DISCOVER YOU
HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
"WAIT, YOU WANTED ME TO BE PRESIDENT, TOO?
THAT'S INCREDIBLE!
>> Jon: WOW -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE
MEETING, TRUMP ADDRESSED THE KREMLIN'S SHADOW ON HIS
PRESIDENCY.
"I STRONGLY PRESSED PRESIDENT PUTIN TWICE ABOUT RUSSIAN
MEDDLING IN OUR ELECTION.
HE VEHEMENTLY DENIED IT.
I'VE ALREADY GIVEN MY OPINION....."
THOSE FIVE DOTS BY THE WAY, EACH REPRESENT ONE OF THE OPINIONS
HE'S GIVEN.
( LAUGHTER ) COULD HAVE BEEN THE RUSSIANS, NO
WAY OF KNOWING.
COULD HAVE BEEN A FAT GUY ON A BED IN NEW JERSEY.
COULD HAVE BEEN THE CHINESE OR SOMEBODY ELSE.
THERE WAS NO HACKING.
AND...OBAMA BLEW IT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND YOU KNOW PUTIN DIDN'T
MEDDLE, BECAUSE TRUMP SAID HE ASKED HIM "TWICE."
( LAUGHTER ) "HEY, DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE HACK
OUR ELECTION?" "NYET."
"OKAY, MOVING ON-- DID YOU HACK OUR ELECTION?!"
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP CAME UP WITH THE BEST
IDEA EVER.
"PUTIN AND I DISCUSSED FORMING AN IMPENETRABLE CYBER SECURITY
UNIT SO THAT ELECTION HACKING, AND MANY OTHER NEGATIVE THINGS,
WILL BE GUARDED....AND SAFE."
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
YES.
JUST GET PUTIN INVOLVED.
IT'S LIKE "SILENCE OF THE LAMBS," ONLY WE'RE SKIPPING
HANNIBAL LECTER AND GOING STRAIGHT TO BUFFALO BILL!
"OKAY BILL, TOSS ME THAT LOTION SO I CAN PUT IT ON MY BODY.
LET'S GO GET THE BAD GUYS!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK ON HIS CYBER PLAN CLEARLY GOT TO TRUMP,
BECAUSE, LATER THAT SAME DAY, HE TWEETED, "THE FACT THAT
PRESIDENT PUTIN AND I DISCUSSED A CYBER SECURITY UNIT DOESN'T
MEAN I THINK IT CAN HAPPEN.
IT CAN'T."
WHAT?!
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT IT UP!!
( LAUGHTER ) WHY TALK ABOUT THINGS YOU KNOW
CAN'T HAPPEN?!
"I KNOW I SAID IT WOULD BE ROMANTIC IF I PROPOSED TO YOU
HERE IN ARUBA.
DOESN'T MEAN I WAS GONNA DO IT.
IT CAN'T HAPPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"