If you watch this show, you might
remember we do a segment called "Oh Straight People."
The way that works is I read you a headline
about real straight people.
Then I shake my head and I say, "Oh straight people."
And then I move on to the next headline.
Very complicated.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, quarantined people.
I'm going to get some instruments in here
so I can play some songs.
[PAUSES]
Here we go.
[PAUSES]
First headline.
"Woman discovers bar of soap she's
been washing her hands with for days is a block of cheese."
Oh quarantined people.
Here's the next one.
"Oregon police warn people not to call 911 just because they
ran out of toilet paper."
Oh quarantined people.
I've heard people are doing that.
It's insane.
Really?
I hadn't heard that.
Here's another one.
"New Yorker singing out the window told, 'Shut the f up.'"
[LAUGHS]
Oh quarantined people in New York.
Here's another one.
"Pornhub reports a spike in views
amid coronavirus outbreak."
Oh quarantined people.
Guilty.
Did you say, "Guilty?"
[LAUGHS]
Here's the next one.
"Man teaching his dog to drive during the quarantine arrested
after high-speed chase."
Oh quarantined people.
And one more.
"Man asked neighbor out with drone,
then takes her on a date in a giant inflatable ball."
Oh quarantined straight people.
If you see a headline that'll make me say,
"Oh quarantined people," please send it to me.
And if you don't see one, do something crazy
and maybe you'll end up in a segment yourself.