what are you hesitant to tell me Oh Lord
I never bring it up but maybe I'll bring
it up now I'm always curious as to your
feelings for one of our community
members but I never like want to go
there because I know I've been in your
position before and I've been you for my
whole life basically so I feel like I
already know the answer and I don't want
to pour salt in the wound basically yeah
it's funny because your girlfriend has
asked me the same thing I know and I
almost slapped her when she told me that
I was like I kidding me like you have no
idea like what that does to him yeah I
told her I was like I have too much
respect to you for you to like dissemble
and yeah
make something up I'm not prepared to
talk about it yeah
and even though I'm closer to you than I
am with her I appreciate you you're
sensitive you that um yeah I'm not
prepared to talk about that yeah yeah
thanks that was it I really want to put
this on the bottom and ask it later it's
just so great for right now what made
you decide to become celibate why does
it work for you yeah
celibacy and like not pursuing
particularly in the past in Chicago you
know a relationship with a guy that I
was deeply in love with my relationship
with Jesus is is such that like if I
feel like he's asking me to do something
hard like it's worth it I don't know
it's like why does it work for me I feel
like sometimes it doesn't work for me
you know I feel like I'm far less
contented than people imagine and I
reconsider my convictions and behavior
more often than people wouldn't think
what makes you think you're making the
right choice about your sexuality mmm
like process through why have I chosen
to be gay I don't who knows I'll
probably understand in ten years
but I think the thing concrete thing
I've come to now is like I have never
I've never let go of God and I've never
let go of my faith and like thinking
about my future and life and God and
just things like it's really really dark
right now but there's light up ahead
like I remember like feeling that I'm
like oh my god I'm doing it wrong I'm
doing wrong I'm doing this is bad I've
made a bad choice and just like I'm
missing out what am i doing I know all
these people seemed you know uh-huh
no I trust me I feel the same way I'm
like oh god I up so bad and now I
can't change it oh it's like oh no but
then like I don't know I like Morgan
just makes me so happy you know like she
calm those doubts of like I've made a
bad decision I'm screwing up my life
kind of thing I don't know he and like
it's really good to see so happy you
know in a relationship with someone who
like really loves you not just is using
you mm-hmm like that brings me a lot of
joy and like I see a lot of really good
things from your relationship Morgan and
you at the same time like I don't think
that's what God wants you know and I
don't think that like your ultimate
flourishing is going to come from that
yeah do you ever think about changing
your choice like I did what stop see um
several times a week
guard attack like it's it's really
lonely sometimes being gay in celibate
I'd say I got an emotional level I'm
like God would you really like not be
okay with this you know and trying to
figure out like what what pleases God
like that's always the first question
and and I mean I think if that were in
my like in my mind and my heart
satisfactorily answered mm-hmm I don't
know that anything
else would stop me yeah
you