It is now day 13 of Russia's plan to "liberate" Ukrainians
by bombing all of their cities, and things don't look
like they will be getting better any time soon.
A third round of peace talks has ended with no resolution.
2 million Ukrainians have now fled the country,
and the Russians are reportedly trying to pay Syrians
to come fight with them against Ukraine.
And I don't know, man, I feel like Syrians must be pretty
conflicted about this, you know? 'Cause on the one hand,
Russia's asking them to fight in another war?
But on the other hand, there's finally one European country
happy to have Syrians come over.
Eh?
And you know, if you ask me, I think this is a pretty smart
strategy from Putin. He's probably thinking that
if he can turn this into a Middle East conflict,
then the West will stop caring about it.
Meanwhile, in the battle to isolate Russia,
McDonald's and Starbucks have become the latest
western corporations to cut ties with Russia,
with both announcing that they would temporarily close all
locations in the country. Yeah.
No Starbucks, no Mcdonald's.
That's a sad life to live.
And no pick-me-up in the morning, no Happy Meals--
Or as they call them in Russia, meals.
I don't think they have a word for happy.
You know? Yeah, they just, like, go to the drive-thru
and give the kid the food, just like,
"Look in meal, Dimitri. There is great toy of wheelbarrow,
"to remind you the purpose of like is work. (rhythmically):
"This is your birthday. This is your birthday.
You were born on this day. This is your birthday."
Now, As the situation in Ukraine gets more dire,
the economic fallout of the war is spreading
to the rest of the world.
This morning, gas prices soaring to the highest average
ever recorded, $4.17 a gallon.
I just filled up right now and it cost me $50,
versus normally it costing me $30.
NEWSMAN: Up ten cents in just one day
and 55 cents since last week,
eclipsing the previous record of $4.10 a gallon set 14 years ago.
NEWSWOMAN: In California, four dollars a gallon
would be a relief. The average there is $5.28.
Prices at this Shell station in Los Angeles
-hitting nearly seven dollars. -Oh, my God.
NEWSWOMAN: Gas prices shocking drivers at the pump.
It's $100,
and it's not even a full tank.
Yeah. If you thought gas prices were already high,
Russia invading Ukraine has only made things worse,
which sucks for everybody.
I mean, it sucks for parents who need to drive kids to school.
It sucks for small businesses
who have to spend more money to move things around.
It sucks for everyone, because the price of gas
affects the price of everything.
Like, if this keeps up, the next Fast and Furious movie
is gonna take place on public transportation.
It's all about saving gas.
And I feel so bad for everyone
who gets surprised when they fill up their tank.
I mean, think about it-- yesterday you had enough money.
And then, all of a sudden, today you don't.
Your salary didn't go up. Right? Nothing in your life changed,
you just don't have enough money.
Which, by the way, is weird. Can we agree on this
as a concept? It's weird.
It's weird that the price of gas changes...
but, like, instantly, at the pump.
Do-do you get what I'm saying?
Like, I feel like the change should only affect the gas
that's on its way, not the gas that's already there.
Like, this gas has been here for a week,
so, technically, that's the four-dollar gas.
You know what I mean? Give me the four-dollar gas.
In fact, give me the gas at the bottom of the tank,
that's, like, the two-dollar shit, it's been there
for a while. Won't charge-- The five-dollar shit's
still coming. The price changed. That price changed.
I want the stuff that's here now.
And can we spare a moment for this woman
who was surprised there?
I mean, just think about it-- a camera crew comes up to her
and they're, like, "Uh, can we film you
while you fill up your tank?" She was probably like,
"Oh, boy, I'm on a secret game show!
Oh! He's gonna finally propose!"
And then they're just like, "Ha, ha! We showed
"you don't have enough money on the news.
Have a good day."
And, you know, you've really got to hand it to corporations
when you think about it, man. Because you hear people
all the time going, like, "Aw, the price of oil has gone up,
so everything costs more." But they've done a great job
of tricking all of us into thinking
that prices are these magical things that nobody
has control over. Because, you understand, as consumers,
we understand it. We go, "The price of oil went up
so we're gonna have to pay more."
But who made that rule? Right?
Oil companies are making windfall profits right now,
over a hundred billion dollars a year.
Why don't can't they take the hit-- just a tiny hit?
Yeah. Because when prices go up,
you know, the oil companies are there, and
they're just making the money. They're just like,
"Oh, man, I-- I wish there was something we could do."
"Well, you could make a little less profit."
"Nah, no, something else, something else. Hmm.
"Something else we could do that wouldn't affect us.
"What would it be?
And the question is now, why are gas prices
surging the way they are?
Well, as you heard, Russia supplies a lot of oil
to the rest of the world, and even though
America and Europe have passed loads of sanctions
against Russia-- they've cut off its banks
and they've kicked it out of the U.N. book club--
they're still paying Russia
$500 million every day
for oil and gas.
Which, I mean, let's be honest, doesn't make a lot of sense.
You're sending money to a country
that you're basically at war with?
Like, if you were in a bar fight, wouldn't it be strange
to buy the other guy a bottle of Bud Light
so that he can smash you over the head with it?
In fact, it's such a weird arrangement that many countries
have been talking about boycotting Russian oil,
which then created fears of an oil shortage
that sent oil prices skyrocketing. Yeah.
And apparently those fears were well-founded,
because today, America did this.
NEWSMAN: Today more consequences from the United States.
President Biden announced a ban on all Russian oil,
natural gas and coal imports to the U.S.
Today, I am announcing the United States
is targeting the main artery of Russia's economy.
We're banning all imports
of Russian oil and gas and energy.
Americans have rallied support...
have rallied to support the Ukrainian people
and made it clear we will not be part of subsidizing Putin's war.
This is a step that we're taking
to inflict further pain on Putin,
but there will be cost, as well, here in the United States.
Since Putin began his military buildup
on Ukrainian borders, just since then,
the price of the gas
at the pump in America went up 75 cents.
And with this action, it's gonna go up further.
I'm going to do everything I can
to minimize Putin's price hike here at home.
Yes, you heard the president.
Russian oil is now banned
from the United States.
But don't get it twisted.
America isn't just gonna start riding bikes everywhere,
all right? It's gonna get that oil from somewhere.
And luckily, America produces a lot of its own oil.
There's Texas. There's Alaska.
There's Rudy Giuliani.
But it's still not enough. It's still not enough oil.
So America has also been reaching out to countries
that it's not exactly on great terms with.
You know, like Venezuela and Saudi Arabia
to try and get them to pump more oil
to get the prices back down.
Which, you have to admit,
is a bit of an awkward situation to be in, you know?
'Cause, yeah, America's basically like,
"These countries are immoral,
and we will have nothing to do with them."
(imitates engine sputtering)
"You guys have any gas money, Saudi Arabia?" (chuckles)
"I said to that shit to you before I was home.
Yeah."
Wouldn't it be funny if those countries
turned around and-and flipped it on America?
If they were like, "America, we would love to sell you oil,
"but cannot do business with a country
"that drowns civilians in the Middle East.
Our conscience will not allow it."
(laughs) "No, we're just kidding. We'll take your money.
"You should have seen your face, though. You were so scared, huh?
Imagine we don't take your money."
(chuckles)
But while America's able to go cold turkey
on Russian oil, Europe is hooked.
They're completely hooked for now.
And, like, completely hooked.
The EU gets 40% of its gas
and a quarter of its oil from Russia,
which is why they couldn't join this boycott
even if they wanted to.
Yeah, without Russia's energy,
Europe wouldn't have enough heat for their homes
or fuel for their cars
or oil for their weird Christmas blackface celebrations.
Which means that Russia
has a lot of leverage in that relationship,
and it turns out that they know it.
NEWSWOMAN: As the weight of crippling sanctions
falls on Russia, Vladimir Putin is now threatening
to cut off Europe's gas supply.
NEWSMAN: In an address on state television on Monday,
Russia's Deputy Prime Minister Alexander Novak
warned that Russia has every right
to shut off its gas deliveries to Europe.
He added, "So far, we are not taking such a decision,
"but European politicians with their statements
and accusations against Russia push us towards that."
Yeah, you see, you can't go too hard
after the country that makes it possible
for you to survive winter.
That's why Europe
always has to pepper its denunciations of Russia
with, like, the occasional compliment.
"This war in Ukraine is as inexcusable
as Tchaikovsky's music is unforgettable, huh?"
Now, of course, this is a two-way street.
Sure, Europe needs Russian oil.
Russia needs Europe's money.
I mean, what else do they have to offer?
It's not like they're gonna fund a war by selling cabbage soup.
So, both sides of this relationship
are in a game of chicken,
and nobody knows who's gonna give.
The one thing we do know is this.
It would definitely be better for Europe and America
to not be in this situation in the first place.
Because Putin has shined a spotlight
on the trade-offs
that dependency on fossil fuels creates.
If countries want to move to renewable energy
or safe nuclear power, they can no longer afford
to make that, like, item number ten on the agenda.
Yeah. Because not only will the planet suffer
but you'll find yourself
constantly having to make deals with the devil.