Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you how you can better take control of your emotions,
especially during those very difficult moments in your relationship.
And I really want you to stick around until the very end of this video,
because this emotional side of things was something that I really,
really struggled with. When I was younger,
I was always known as the person with a bad temper and the person who just
couldn't control their emotions, especially when things got really difficult.
And I tried reading books, watching YouTube videos, going to therapy,
going to counseling, and nothing really worked until I began to think about it.
And it's very different way than how most people think about it.
And today in this video, I'm going to show you what the new way of thinking is.
So I don't want you to miss any of this because this has been crucial for me.
It's also been crucial for all my students, all my clients as well.
And if you're new to this channel and we haven't met yet,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships and in marriages
with the right skills and with the right mindset,
to be able to start designing a more thriving relationships.
So if you want more content like this one,
then be sure to subscribe and click the bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos every single week.
Now, before we begin,
I want to let you know that the free master class that I have on the five proven
steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up, it's still open.
So if you are interested in joining that masterclass,
then be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the non-spring on
how you can get in on that. And to begin this discussion,
I'm going to talk to you about how most people approach anger management,
or how most people approach controlling emotions and the way I see it.
There's always three categories of things that people talk about when they're
talking about managing emotions.
The first thing is what I call the willpower approach.
This is when you are telling yourself, basically, look, don't be reactive,
just breathe and try harder basically to stay calm.
The next time you're faced with some difficult moments or difficult truth in
your relationships, but just will power your way into staying calm.
The second approach is what I call the soft talk approach.
And this is when you're trying to identify the inner dialogue,
and you're trying to change the narrative that you're telling yourself when
you're in the moment.
So let's say your partner tells you something that's very hurtful.
That makes you feel all sorts of ways emotionally.
And you're trying to control those emotions right then and there by changing the
narratives or the voices in your head. You tell yourself, for example,
to detach from the situation you tell yourself, Hey,
don't make a lot of assumptions.
Just reframe the stories in your head at that very moment.
And the third approach is what I call the general mindfulness approach.
This is when people talk about journaling or meditation,
basically building your overall consciousness and your overall mindfulness of
the situation to keep yourself more calm in the moment. Now,
I want you to know that I've tried all these three methods and different
variations of all those three methods for a very, very long time, for many,
many years, but nothing really seemed to work.
And this was my cycle when I was trying to reform my emotions.
And I'm sure this cycle will be very, very familiar to you as well.
So I would start by telling myself basically, okay, I'm been meditating,
I've been journaling. I've been learning how to you, my inner dialogue.
I've been, you know, training my willpower to stay more patient, which is great.
And so I tell myself next time, whatever comes, whatever curve balls,
my partner throws at me, whatever situations come at me and to use my willpower,
this inner dialogue, all these things that I have to stay calm in the moment.
Now, fast forward a week later, we go through something really,
really difficult things with my partner.
She says something that's really hurtful. And it took was just one little event,
one little thing that she says,
and that would trigger me and I would lose my shit. Then a few minutes later,
I would realize that the inner dialogue with in, and I would realize, Oh,
dang it. I just messed up. And I really regret it. And using that regret,
I would tell myself again the next time, okay,
next time I'm going to have even more willpower, more inner dialogue,
more presence, more mindfulness.
But then the cycle just keeps repeating itself over and over and over again.
So you stay stuck in the cycle of trying to use your willpower and basically
pumping yourself up to stay calm. The next time, then something triggers you.
You fail to stay calm in the moment you regret it.
You promise to try harder the next time.
And the cycle just keeps going over and over and over again. And it never ended.
That was my cycle. And I'm sure there's many of your cycles as well.
So to understand why the cycle is inevitable.
If the three approaches that I mentioned is your approach right now,
we have to understand how emotions form in the first place.
So the emotions we feel are not caused by the events that happen in our life.
So it's not what our partner said.
It's not the difficult events or the difficult problems that we face in our
life. But between these two things between events and our emotions,
there's this middle ground where our interpretations happen.
That is when we tell ourselves the narrative and the stories and the way we
interpret a certain event as either good or bad that causes the emotion.
And specifically, it's not just the interpretations,
but it's the reflexive interpretations that we make in the moment that creates
these emotions. There's also what I call the emotional flywheel.
That is when you know, your reflective interpretation will create your emotions.
So the split second interpretation you make will form your emotion.
Then usually what happens is, you know,
if you look at emotions is very self perpetual,
meaning if you're already in a negative state emotionally,
then your interpretations will tend to be negative,
which creates even more negative emotions, which is why it's really hard.
Sometimes when you're in a bad mood or when you're dealing with a depressed
person, for example, to really lift the amount of depression,
because there's this,
this is perpetual cycle two emotions where your negative emotions creating
negative interpretations and creating even more negative emotions.
And then those negative emotions creating even more negative interpretations
keeps going,
and this flywheel effect can make multiple rounds within just a split
second. So within one second,
you might have made this round 20 times in your head and you could be calm one
second.
And the next second you could be in a completely different state of mind.
And so what happens here is that starting from that reflexive interpretations
that you made, that can start a big momentum going downhill,
if it's a negative emotion. And once that gets going,
that flywheel creates so much momentum so fast, that it's really,
really hard to stop it in the moment.
We can start to see why the three approaches that I talked to you about rarely
ever worked.
So if you're trying to use willpower to stop the emotions or to stop the
flywheel here,
you're basically trying to use your willpower to stop this massive momentum of
the emotional flywheel in your head right now.
And the thing about using willpower is that sometimes our willpower is good,
is strong enough and are snippets of time when we handle difficult things very
well, but the snippets are just snippets.
We're not going to be able to do it over and over and over again,
multiple times a day, every single day for many decades,
because sometimes that willpower will slip up. And so, you know,
your ability stay calm here. It's not going to be predictable.
It's not going to be consistent if you're using willpower.
And if you understand something about rebuilding relationships that we talk
about a lot is that you're battling quite a bit of forces that go against you,
which is for one,
your partner is confirmation bias in that she can't trust you and that nothing
will change. So it's not about the hundred things you do, right?
Or you could be staying calm a hundred times,
but it's the one time you lose your crap.
That is going to count against those hundred things you do right now.
Let's talk about the second approach where using the self-talk or the inner
dialogue again.
So the problem with the self talk approach or the inner dialogue approach is
that this inner dialogue, the soft talking,
okay occur after this emotional flywheel has gained a lot of momentum within a
split second, but this is a bit paradoxical because as we know,
emotions tend to be very self perpetual and good self-talk healthy.
Self-talk positive self talk usually happens when we're calm,
but it's extremely difficult to have positive stuff.
We'll talk when we're already emotional.
So if you already let this emotional flywheel go and gain momentum,
then it's almost impossible in the moment or really difficult in that moment to
counteract that. And even if we successfully do it,
we usually do it when it's already too late.
So the self-talk there is acquired too, to counteract this momentum.
It takes a while to take effect. And by the time it takes effect,
we've already probably showed all these negative emotions.
And often we show this in a very subconscious way.
So the self-talk method rarely works because one is really,
really hard to do. And when it does work,
it usually works when it's already too late.
And now let's talk about this third method where we talk about the mindfulness
approach, the general presence approach.
So going back to the root of the problem here,
the roots problem is not whether you're conscious of what you're feeling at the
moment or not.
It's really the reflexive interpretations you make in that exact moment.
So for example, we talk about a lot of mindset, things in this channel.
And one of the mindset, things I always tell you about is don't blame character,
blame environments,
may of your brain is currently programmed to see your partner's stonewalling as
a issue, as an issue of character that she's just being difficult.
Then there is no chance that you can stay calm whenever your partner is
stonewalling or shutting down on you. But if you are interpreting,
if you're used to programming your brain to thinking about stonewalling as an
environment, issue with us,
a lack of trust and a lack of safety issue as your partner,
really struggling to express something,
and that changes the reflexive narrative you have in your head.
And that makes it easier for you to stay calm if you are used to and programmed
to see and interpret mistakes as a character issue, for example,
that people are just being careless.
Then there is no way that you can stay calm in the moment when your partner
makes a mistake or brings up a mistake to you.
But if you're used to and programmed to see mistakes as simply an environment
issue that your partner is actually really smart and really careful,
but something in that environment,
some system it's not an optimal state to where she can find it easy to be
careful and her to being careless. Then that makes it easy for you.
Stay calm in the moment. Because again, you can think, okay,
I know you're smart.
I know you're careful what system caused you to act this way.
Let's change the system. Once we change the system,
we remove the mistake forever.
And the thing you need to understand here is that no amount of journaling,
no amount of presence or meditation can really fix that because this
is simply a mental programming issue,
not a presence or mindfulness issue that whenever a mistake happens,
whenever your partner shuts you down,
you're programmed to interpret this reflexively in a certain way,
and that will create the emotional momentum going downhill as we talked about.
So if you look at these three approaches of how people typically try to manage
their emotions, it rarely works. And because it rarely works,
people stay in this, this never ending cycle that we talked about.
So in this video,
I want to change your perspective and what it actually means to manage emotions
in a more effective way. So stop relying on techniques, for example,
to help you directly in that moment, for example,
using your willpower or using the self-talk method,
to try to keep yourself calm in the moment.
It never ever works because it's emotional momentum.
You talked about this emotional flywheel. So,
so hard to battle in that moment and stop thinking that there's one thing that
you can think about that you can do to change your emotions and stop waiting for
that breakthrough realization that will suddenly change your emotions,
make you into a calm and Zen person.
But when you need to start doing instead is to start seeking ways to reprogram
your brain,
to prevent the emotional flywheel from going in a negative direction in the
first place. And the way you do that is by changing,
that reflects the initial interpretation that you make that starts this whole
emotional fire wheel going in the first place. So here's what I did.
The two things that I did to really fix this issue forever and once and for all.
So first thing is I want you to start adopting the performance mindset.
So here's the key difference between how most people think versus how really
successful and calm people think. So most people,
they see the moment of the performance itself as the scariest,
as the hardest and most difficult moments. So a lot of people,
they see the conversation with their partner as the most difficult moment in
itself. But if you think about it, if you look at the way performers,
think performers, see the performance itself as the easiest part, you know,
the moment when the performer gets on stage and performances, dance routine,
or singing routine or whatever routine he performs,
he's already practiced so much to where everything that he needs to do becomes
automated. No good performer ever comes to a performance thinking, Ooh,
I hope this performance goes well, right?
They're always have practiced so much to the point where when it comes to the
performance,
all they need to do is brainlessly and routinely and automatically just
regurgitate, whatever they've been practicing. So for them,
the performance is not the hard part is the practice. That's the hard part.
So I want you to see managing your emotions the same way that if you were coming
to a conversation with your partner and you are needing a crap ton of willpower
and a crap ton of self-talk to stay calm, then you've already lost.
And it doesn't matter at this time, how many new tools you have,
how many self-talk strategies you have,
how much more mindfulness or presence you have. This is like,
imagine if you're a performer and you show up to the night of the performance
and you say, Oh, I hope the performance goes well.
I don't really know because I haven't really practiced.
And you're asking your coach at the last woman to say, okay,
give me some last minute tips to, for me to stay calm in a moment,
it doesn't work. None of the last minute tips were work.
If you look at dancers against singers, magicians, whatever it is,
they always show up to every single performance.
And they have this confidence about them without a shadow of a doubt that they
can execute and play out the right performance successfully at that time.
And they can do this no matter what curve balls or issues come their way,
no matter how tired or how sick they are.
Basically they have programmed what they need to do so much that they can do
it in their sleep. So when it comes to managing emotions, I really,
really want you to start adopting the performance mentality that you have to
come to. Every conversation you have with your partner,
not needing any willpower or not needing any self-talk strategies,
because you've already practiced them all.
So how do you actually practice this stuff?
What does it mean to practice this stuff?
If you've been following me for a while,
you'll know this concept of Bulletproof vest.
That is when you can show up to every conversation, no matter what shots,
no matter how many times your partner resists you,
no matter what the installer she gives you,
you can stay Bulletproof on top of any of that.
And you can stay calm and poised to play the right processes to actually
discover. And so on.
What you need to understand here is that the bullet professors we talk about,
it's not just one thought, it's not just one interpretation.
It's a series of things that we can do that when combined together makes a very
Bulletproof vest. And so if you look at all these layers here,
what you're looking at is just the different ways that we've been programmed to
look at the world, to interpret the events around us.
And I want us to reprogram the way we look at the world so that the instant
reflexive interpretations that we have is now different.
That whenever your partner makes a mistake, for example,
the first thing we think about is not about some character problem,
but the first thing we think about is our brain is programmed to think about,
okay, what is the environment? The situation, then this has changed.
This is not my part of this fault. This is a systems problem.
And so that's one example of a reprogramming shift or interpretation shift that
we make in the program. And I want you to have many, many layers of this.
And as you reprogram all the layers here,
what happens is your whole bullet proof vest becomes stronger.
And so I want you to imagine this Bulletproof vest,
almost like a web of different interpretations and different programmings that
you have. And if you look at it as a web,
what I want you to understand is that the strength of the whole web is only as
strong as the weakest link, because if you have 99,
really good interpretations in your head, but you have one really bad one.
That's the spot that will be the first to given,
especially during the toughest moments, it doesn't matter,
or how strong the other parts are, again, that when you have this one weak spot,
that's where the shot will go.
The bullet will go and you will no longer be Bulletproof.
So what you need to start doing here is not only do you need to have a full
grasp of the full extent of what this Bulletproof layers are,
what are the new interpretations and the new ways of looking at the world that
you need to have, have a better reflexive interpretation, okay. In the moment.
But you need to see your life as a whole,
as an opportunity to practice and reprogram your mind.
So let's say you find that, you know,
you tend to blame character instead of environments,
and that's your weakest spot. Keep asking yourself,
how do I practice this in the other areas of my life?
So how do I practice this as work? You know, if you manage a bunch of people,
for example, how can you think about, okay, whatever happens in a company,
I'm going to train my brain and programmed my brain to look at everything as an
environment, problem, not a people problem.
And I'm willing to be obsessed about changing the program,
ramming into your thoughts for every single aspect of her life,
not just your life, but for your work, your kids, how you deal with family,
how you even deal with yourself and make this,
your new habit of thinking and make this the new way that you're perceiving the
world. Then once you strengthen that layer, I want you to pick another layer.
That's a weakest link, and I want you to make that part of it.
Blueprint is stronger and stronger and stronger in this whole web stronger over
time. And this approach might take more time.
But once you establish this Bulletproof vest, you can do the performance day in,
day out, impromptu, even you've already practiced beforehand.
And so you're using life. All the life events,
you have to practice your bullet profess to practice the way you interpret the
world reflexively.
So that by the time you have this conversation with your partner,
you're ready and you don't have to think about it anymore.
So this was my approach in getting rid of all my emotional issues,
my anger issues, especially when it comes to in the moment activities.
And this is also how all my clients do it.
And this is really the most effective way of working in your emotions or
learning how to control your emotions better in your relationship.
And it might sound like a simple shift to simply think about this as a
performance mentality,
but the small paradigm shift made a massive change in my life.
And I'm sure it'll start to make a massive change in yours as well. No,
of course,
it's so much more understanding that needs to be had around what the layers of
the Bulletproof vest are.
How do we actually practice this stuff in our head and what are the steps that
we can take to quickly and more reliably program,
these new interpretations in our head in a much faster way.
So if you're looking for a deeper understanding of all these mindset shifts and
all the skills and the mindsets,
you need to really become Bulletproof in your relationship.
And once you become Bulletproof using that to actually execute on the tactics,
the right tactics, well,
then you'll want to join me in my free master class and the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up. And in this master class,
I'll show you the exact process that I show all my students that allows them to
get rid of all these mindset issues and the programming issues that they have to
stay calmer, to stay more poised, even in the most difficult of times,
to have the strength,
to actually reverse the feedback loop and lead the relationship,
and literally steer the relationship away from divorce, separation,
whatever bad things are gonna happen in relationship to where they can design a
thriving one, all starting with themselves.
So if this master class sounds interesting to you that I want you to click the
link above my head, also down in the comments below,
or also in the description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free guide that allows you to lead conversations
better, uh, you know,
conversations that leads to more healing leads to your partner, opening up, uh,
leads to less arguments. And in fact, never argue again.
Then you also want to download the free guide I have for you above my head are
also done in the comments below or the description box below this video as well.
And if you want to join a community of people where you can post your questions,
talk about your stories and actually get good advice and good answers for myself
or other members of the community.
Then you also want to join me in my free Facebook group and the way you can join
that is by clicking the link in the comments below,
or the description box below this video as well. In the meantime,
do leave a comment below what did you find most insightful,
most eyeopening in this video. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
And if you found this video helpful and valuable,
then I want you to like it and also subscribe to this channel for more content
like this one for now.
I just want you to leave you with this two other videos here that can recoup it
with more mindset and more skills to be able to design a thriving relationship
for yourself. In the meantime, I will see you in the next video.