Have you been wondering how to talk so your spouse will listen?
-Wait, what? Oh...
-I'm going clear back to boy scouts for this one.
Because boy scouts start fires. -Uh-huh -And if you catch fire, you are to
stop, drop, and roll. -I know. I learned this when I was a little girl and my
my coat caught on fire. Stop drop and roll. -Stop drop and roll. This is going to
help us with our spousal communications. -Ooh, I'm very curious about this.
-Well, let's go to stop first. Stop doing whatever else you're doing.
-This is often... -Looking at the cellphone.
Stop. Put it away. Step away from the distractions. This is an
important time to focus. -You know, it is so
easy to do and yet it... Well, let's see. Maybe it's more simple but not as easy.
But just... Yeah. Just focus on your spouse. I know that
there have been times when the goal is just to look at you.
Just to like give my focus... I'm thinking, "Yeah, I'm listening."
And I'm still doing this or that and I realize that i'm not actually looking at
you. So, you're in part of the stop is change
your focus and put your focus on your spouse including
your eyes. -The other stop thing that comes to mind,
stop lobbing hand grenades. Stop fighting, stop criticizing, stop
pulling your weapons out. -Right.
-Think about it. When someone approaches you
with an angry aggressive kind of an approach...
-You're going to put up the defense, right. -Defensiveness. So, stop
lobbying the hand grenade. Stop taking the pot shots.
-Right. Especially if one of your... Maybe your mo is to just make underhanded comments or
under the breath. Just stop. -Oh. Remember the conversation I had with Pamela Jett?
She's a communication specialist and. Aur
podcast episode was titled How to Handle a Sniper.
-Right. -And of course most of us aren't dealing with
people on the roof with guns. But the snipers who take a pot shot.
Stop being a sniper. Don't take the pot shots.
Stop lobbing the hand grenades. Stop, drop. Drop what? -Okay. Look, what are we
going to drop? -Well, first of all, let's drop the tension.
This goes right along with stop lobbying hand grenades.
Drop the tension specifically in your voice. -And in your face.
-In your face. -I see the tension a lot of times in the
eyebrows. Just like all of a sudden just take a check.
"Where are my eyebrows right now? What is my body language doing?" Let's just drop.
If your hands are up here. -Drop them.
-Drop them. -Drop that tension. This does some amazing things to change the
energy of the conversation and makes it more likely that you're
going to get communication to happen. -You know... And I just wanted to go back
really quick. We are talking about what I can do that'll increase the likelihood
that my spouse will listen. So, a lot of times we just want to do
everything make it you change. But here's what I'm going to do,
so, I'm going to drop the tension on myself. I'm going to just
relax my body a little bit. But I'm also going to drop my need
to be right for just a moment. -Oh, boy. Yes. Brett williams wrote a book.
-I love it. -Called You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married.
I love to mention that title because that captures so much.
-And there's someone else I read and he
said, "You can be right or in a relationship." Sometimes
we are focused so much on being right that we
almost completely ignore the other person in the relationship we had
with them or could have with them. And so, just drop that need
to be right for a minute and just let it kind of simmer
and and be willing to look at a new option.
-Here's the psychological back door to that, Vicki. because you said drop your need to be right.
Most people respond when I say that by saying, "Well, I don't need to be right."
No, the problem is you know that you are. And this is
something that we have to come to terms with. Knowing that we're right
has us treating each other terribly. And and it's setting up a dynamic that your
spouse is very unlikely to listen to you because
they've already heard it enough that you're right about whatever
it is. So, drop your need to be right. I think
along those same lines is drop your agenda momentarily.
-Right. -Okay?
-Yeah, we're not talking about just becoming a wet noodle
that never even has an opinion. We're just saying for a moment.
Remember, we started off with "I want to do what I can
so that my spouse will listen." So, I'm going to
drop my agenda for a minute. -This is a strategic move. Think of it as taking
your agenda because your agenda is your reason for wanting
your spouse to listen to you in the first place. You've got something
important to say. And by darn, they better listen. Right?
You're going to take that important thing,
you're going to set it on a shelf right over here.
We're not throwing it away. We're not shredding it. We're setting it on a shelf.
Why? For safekeeping. Because if you throw
that out there right up front, it will be summarily rejected.
-Yeah. Especially if they're not listening yet. So, let's do some other talking and some
other things so that we get to a point where we're communicating,
we're talking and listening both people and then you can pull your agenda back.
-Now, yes. So, we'll pull it off of the shelf at an appropriate time when it's
safe in the conversation. So, think of it strategically.
We're not giving up on your agenda. We're simply
putting it over here for safe keeping while we do some other things. And that's
why the stop drop and roll. Let's go to roll.
-All right. -Following along with the strategy that we just set up,
we are going to roll from being the speaker to being the
listener. -You know, I have to tell you it's so interesting because
here I live with a psychologist, right? -But I don't... But I don't really see him
do his work most the time. Because honestly as
the wife of a psychologist, he doesn't do his work with me.
-I remember hearing this phrase, Vicki early in our relationship.
"Don't pull that psychology crap on me." -That was very early, right?
But I have to say one time I got to go with him to a family event. Sometimes
he helps full families and he was at a family
event. And they were doing a conversation with
all of the adults. And I remember watching you... Because I'd
never seen you actually do it where people were saying things and as
somebody else jumped onto something, you would stop
them and say, "Okay, wait. You need to reflect back what you heard."
And so, there was this kind of going back and forth.
But I think part of that is I want... You know, as I'm going into this,
i'm saying, "How can i talk so that my spouse will listen?" Part of that
is taking on the role of the listener. You know, it's like... "Yeah,
I want to be the one that's talking and you're listening." But
the part of the role is you've got to go back and forth with the roles.
So, roll with role, right? I'm going to be a listener also. Not just a talker. And
I think one of the most important things we can do is reflect
back what your spouse is saying. And that was just
the first time I'd really seen you walk people through doing it.
-And you see how it works. When you're observing. -Yeah
-When you're in it, you still want your agenda. You're trying to pull it off the
shelf. "Well this is what's important." -Well, it can feel annoying when you're
in it too. Because like, "I just said. Yes, that's what I said." You know...
But I think that there has to be this chance to
go back and forth with these. Now, this is a powerful strategy because when you
roll into the other role. -Oh, play on words.
Do you see what I did there? When you roll into the other role,
you become the listener first.
What you're doing is prepping your spouse
to roll into that role very naturally if they feel understood. And
maybe this is the next role. You roll back for them
what you just heard. -And it's not comfortable.
I still get uncomfortable trying to reflect back what is said.
But it's worth trying. -This is what shows them that you are listening. And it
changes the whole dynamic. This is what you
observed with that family that I was working with because I
stopped them. This person wanted to say what their
agenda was after this person had talked. It's my turn, right?
-Right. -Before you do that, just take this extra
step. And I promise this will be a powerful intervention.
Take the extra step of rolling back. It's kind of like you
rewind and re-roll. Roll back what you just heard in a way
that they will recognize it as what they actually said.
-And I noticed after having watched you do that, I've
actually heard you reflect back what I'm saying.
And in my brain, it goes trigger, "Oh, okay. I'm trying to listen a little better." And
that helped me to try to reflect back what you were saying later.
And not always is it my most favorite. And it does feel a little
scripted when you're doing that. So, I wouldn't..
You know, we don't... Yeah, it's unnatural. You don't do it all the time.
But you know, we're really working on a communication skill and this is one of
the things. -We get to work on it too.
That's why we're sharing this with you. I just thought of one other application for a role.
-Okay. -Roll up your sleeves.
Be ready to work. This takes some work. -Communication takes some effort.
It's not always natural. I mean you think about it.
A baby is born and their communication is all very egocentric.
"I want food. I want a change of pace. I want something", right?
And so, we have to learn how to use communication more effectively. And it
takes work. It's not always natural. And so, be ready to
work. You know, there is... I just... I say to my
kids all the time. They probably hate that. Make work your friend
because things that are worth it in the world are going to require work.
Everything. -It's true.
-Including your relationship with your spouse.
-It's worth it. Be ready to work on it.
You may not have known about some of the
other resources that are available to you to improve your relationships
and to improve your communication with each other. We've got a lot of things
available for you at Live On Purpose Central.
Go.liveonpurposecentral.com. Come visit us.
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