BUT SPEAKING OF WHICH, TOMORROW IS VALENTINE'S DAY.
ST. VALENTINE, OF COURSE, WAS THE PATRON SAINT OF SEASONAL
MARKETING.
AND IF YOU HAVE NOT PICKED SOMETHING FOR SWEETHEART YET,
YOU STILL HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS.
FOR INSTANCE, THE OLIVE GARDEN IS OFFERING A BREADSTICK BOUQUET
FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "LET'S GET TOO LOGY TO HAVE SEX
TONIGHT."
( LAUGHTER )
IN PAPER THAT SAYS "MY LOVE FOR YOU IS NEVER ENDING," WHICH IS
BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL SLOGAN, "WHEN YOU'RE HERE, WE SHOULD
DOUBLE-CHECK WE'RE NOT FAMILY."
AND, FOLKS, IT'S NOT JUST OLIVE GARDEN, CINNABON IS SELLING
HEART-SHAPED CINNAPACKS IN A NINE-COUNT PACK OF MINI-BON
ROLLS-- FOR WHEN YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH TO BUY HER THE BEST, AS
LONG AS YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE MALL FOOD COURT.
( LAUGHTER )
YOUR LIFE, THERE'S BOUQUETS OF "BACON ROSES."
>> Audience: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: IF YOU DON'T MAKE HER HEART FLUTTER, 40 SLICES OF
ROLLED UP BACON WILL STOP IT DEAD.
AND FOLKS--
APPLAUDING-- APPLAUDING CARDIAC ARREST NOW.
AND IF YOU'RE PLANNING ON GETTING FRISKY WITH YOUR LOVED
ONE, SOME FOLKS ARE DEVELOPING A NEW GADGET THAT COULD HELP YOU
OUT.
IT'S CALLED "THE LOVESYNC," AND HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:
>> ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PLACE THE BUTTON AT EACH OF YOUR
BEDSIDES, AND WHEN YOU'RE FEELING A LITTLE RANDY, YOU JUST
ANONYMOUSLY PUSH THE BUTTON.
>> Stephen: YES, IT'S COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS.
( LAUGHTER )
ABSOLUTELY ANYONE...
WHO SLEEPS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR BED.
SO, WHAT HAPPENS IF BOTH YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE PUSHED THAT
BUTTON?
TELL US, NICE LADY!
>> IT LETS YOU BOTH KNOW BY EMITTING A SWIRLING GLOW FROM
THE BUTTONS.
>> Stephen: FRS YES "FROM THE BUTTONS."
AT WHICH POINT YOU MAY-- (ROBOT VOICE): "COMMENCE MUTUAL
PLEASURING.
THE BUTTON HAS SPOKEN."
BASICALLY, LOVESYNC IS TINDER FOR COUPLES.
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE OTHER PROFILE, AND IT BELONGS TO THE
PERSON WITH WHOM YOU SHARE A TOILET.
THE MAKERS OF LOVESYNC SAY THE DEVICE WAS CREATED TO INCREASE
SEXUAL FREQUENCY, AVOID AWKWARD REJECTION, AND IMPROVE ROMANTIC
COMMUNICATION.
OH, YES, IMPROVE ROMANTIC COMMUNICATION, NOT BY ACTUALLY
SPEAKING TO YOUR LOVER, BUT BY STARING HUNGRILY AT A GLORIFIED
RESTAURANT PAGER.
"NOT NOW, HONEY.
NOT NOW!
I'VE WATCHING THE SEX LIGHT!
GET AWAY, GET-- OH, STOP IT!
STOP IT!" >> Jon: THAT OLD LIGHT!
>> Stephen: SOME FOLKS WILL APPRECIATE THE NO-NONSENSE
APPROACH TO INTIMACY.
ALTHOUGH, IF THE CREATORS OF LOVESYNC WERE SMART, THEY MIGHT
ADD A SETTING CALLED: "TOO FULL-- UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS."
BUT LOVESYNC REALLY GOT ME HOT AND BOTHERED-- NOT FOR SEX, BUT
TO RELEASE MY OWN BOINK-READINESS INDICATION
DEVICE.
PRESENTING...
"THE LATE SHOW'S DIDGERI-DOIN' IT."
WHENEVER YOU OR YOUR PARTNER ARE WONDERING IF YOU'RE FEELING
AMOROUS, SIMPLY APPLY YOUR LIPS TO THE DIDGERI-DOIN' IT, AND...
( DIDGERIDOO ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW I JUST WAIT FOR MY WIFE'S CALL, OR ANY OF THE BULLFROGS
I'VE SUMMONED INTO MY BEDROOM.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK...