Over the past 11 years,
I'd often grab a camera crew
and hang out with my wonderful staff,
including my trusted assistant Sona Movsesian.
(audience cheering)
Here are some highlights!
You got my lunch today?
Yeah.
I didn't eat lunch today.
Oh. (audience chuckles)
Evan
Mm-hmm.
Was told today to go get Conan's lunch.
Absolutely, I did that.
But Conan didn't eat lunch.
Conan didn't even order lunch.
I spoke with Sona.
Sona! (audience laughs)
Sometimes, in order to get things done quickly
for me, I might use your name to like light a fire under-
What else are you doing
for yourself where you use my name?
(Sona laughing)
Let it go. (laughing) (audience laughs)
She just walked away!
Did you send this email out to the entire staff?
"I know this is a complete abuse of
'Hey everybody,' but if you stole my Gigolos mug,
I'm going to find you and destroy you."
Did you send that?
Uh, yes I did.
First of all, what's a Gigolos mug?
[Sona] Gigolos is a show on Showtime
and it says Gigolos on one side
and on the other it says, "Working stiff."
(audience laughs)
Is "working stiff" like a joke?
Yes. (audience laughs)
I think so. What's the joke?
I think stiff like,
like a,
like it's a stiff.
Like a penis is stiff. (audience laughs)
All right, stop. I'm sorry.
Is it possible, you had a little drinky winky
and maybe misplaced it?
I had a drinky like this morning? I had a drinky winky?
Do you ever drink at work?
(audience laughs)
(she sighs) (audience laughs)
Okay, let's leave that alone. Let's just leave it alone.
If you have any theories about what happened to the mug.
People just take shit all the time!
(audience laughs)
What do you mean people steal stuff?
You've had stuff stolen?
I made a mark to prove if someone was stealing my booze.
What kind of office is this? (audience laughs)
Do you keep alcohol in your desk?
No, I should though, probably.
No. Why should you?
It'd make the day more fun.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
Did you take her alcohol, man?
Oh, because I'm Irish.
Yeah.
(audience laughs)
Incredible.
No, I didn't take her alcohol.
I'm not a big drinker.
(gulping) (audience laughs)
This is a crossword puzzle. Yes.
And it was sitting on your desk.
So you were doing a crossword puzzle on your desk?
Don't. You can't lie in front of the camera.
You can't lie.
Then yes, I was.
(audience laughs)
Okay, what are you stuck on?
If I say it and then, you know,
this ends up on the thing,
then people are gonna think I'm stupid for not knowing it.
So I just don't want to say it.
Okay, a three letter word for vehicle
that starts with C is car. (audience laughs)
(stamp thuds)
Billy, can you ask Sona
to bring me a half-caff vanilla latte with skim milk?
(band plays upbeat music) (audience cheers)
Wait a minute, Sona, this is tea.
Just drink it, pussy.
(audience laughs)
[Conan] Why is this thing open?
[Sona] It doesn't close.
I can fix this if you want?
What? Can you- (plastic crunches)
Oh my god! (audience cheers)
Conan!
[Conan] How about a Hummer?
Wanna get a Hummer?
[Sona] It needs so much gas.
They make a model that only runs on rainforest wood.
(audience laughs)
That's not true.
Okay, good improv partner.
(as Sona) "That's not true, that's not true.
"No, it's not." (audience laughs)
More, with Conan and Sona's improv, when we come back.
Well, I'm in a candy shop.
(as Sona) "No, you're not."
(audience laughs)
Imagine we're at the office Okay.
And you're wearing that
and there's like a call
"Steven Spielberg on line one."
Steven Spielberg wouldn't call you.
(audience laughs)
(heroic music)
(audience cheers)
[Sona] I mean, he just won't have that much drama.
(sheep bells clanging)
[Conan] Sona, your natural speaking voice
is driving them that way.
(audience laughs)
I think Sona would be easy to find a match for.
Good job in America.
Well.
Good job. (audience laughs)
My boss is kind of a dick. (audience laughs)
That's not nice.
I had something delivered to your house
that it felt high time to recognize someone
who's doing a killer job.
(audience laughs)
Wait a minute, I won?
I got Employee of the Month!
If you're just tuning in Kumail Nanjiani
not able to make it tonight. Yeah.
And at what point did you realize
you were going to be the guest on the show tonight
and not Kumail Nanjiani?
I think right when I was walking in,
like when you called my name, I was like,
"Oh shit. They really ran out of stuff to do."
(audience laughs and applauds)
You're looking for a house right now.
Yeah. Can I put you on the spot?
Can you buy me a house?
Uh. (audience cheers)
Buy me a house, buy me a house, buy me a house!
(audience continues chanting and cheering)
So, tell me what's going on with you guys.
I think that there is a mental block
I have about helping him.
She has a mental block against helping me.
She's my assistant! (audience laughs)
Let's understand why.
I think some positive reinforcement would be nice.
And also it'd be great if he stopped
being so passive aggressive all the time.
(in a voice) I'm not passive aggressive.
(audience laughs)
These are slanders.
He goes into character
when he doesn't want to address reality sometimes.
(in an accent) This is not true!
(audience laughs)
I disagree!
He does too many bits.
Do you see the bits? This never stops.
It never
The bits are never ending.
Like if we're out at a store or something,
running an errand, he'll tell the workers,
"You better watch out for her cause she steals."
(audience laughs)
But do you understand how that might make her feel?
Like a criminal? Yeah, exactly.
(audience laughs)
I mean, I used to steal. (audience laughs)
[Therapist] Oh, okay.
You used to steal!
I was totally kidding around.
So this is a breakthrough.
I stole Skittles from Blockbuster.
I stole a stick of gum once from the market.
I stole a bracelet from Express.
I stole another bracelet from Express
and someone told me to return it.
I stole a headband from Urban Outfitters once.
I stole a hat.
Okay.
This list doesn't end!
So there's some validity here.
This is a crime spree that Hillside Strangler would envy.
(audience laughs)
This works for us.
It's sick. It's wrong.
Very little is accomplished.
[Sona] Very, very little.
It's insanity and it should be stopped.
It's your job to stop it.
Would you like me to fire you?
I think we should both be fired.
Well, this is great.
Are you happy now? You did this.
I didn't do it, you did it.
I'm gonna get a job at a Burger King
and you're going to be my assistant.
(audience laughs and cheers)
I'd crush it at Burger King.
(clapping)
Hey, a
quick personal note.
I think Sona is due to deliver twins in like a week.
(audience cheers)
We're very excited for her and we love her to death.
And you know, what's amazing about Sona,
just again, on a personal note, she is always herself.
You know, most people,
you put a camera on them and they change.
They add a little something.
Sona, you could put her in Yeah, that's Sona.
Radio City Music Hall,
and you could bring her out there in front of thousands
of people and have it be the most watched television event.
And she'd be like, "What's up? What the fuck's going on?"
You know? (audience laughs)
And she'd be charming and hilarious.
She really... I've never met anybody like that before.