- How can you find meaning
when depression makes life feel meaningless?
When you've lost your passion for things you used to love?
When you don't have the drive
to get out of bed in the morning or even to try it life?
When it all feels dark and hopeless?
When you don't even like yourself?
How do you find purpose, confidence and energy to try again?
(upbeat music)
I'm Licensed Therapist, Jonathan Decker,
and I know how it feels to hate yourself,
to struggle to carry on to wonder, what's the point anymore?
I'd like to tell you
what's helped me to find my meaning, to find my "why".
There are always at least two ways to see things.
For example, a person with debilitating illness
may decide that God is punishing them,
or they may decide that God is teaching them
to appreciate life and to have compassion for others.
A person in poverty may choose to see their circumstances
as the result of bad luck and to a broken system,
or they can choose to see it
as an opportunity to overcome and triumph.
A person with a string of broken relationships
may decide that all the good ones are already taken,
or they can examine why they keep settling for less,
and how they are blinded to the true character of deceivers
leading them to change their outlook and dating practices.
If the meaning and purposes you see for your life
struggles and experiences, aren't helpful to you,
and don't empower you, change them.
Change the reason, change the purpose,
change the meaning in your mind,
turn it into something that gives you power,
strength and the ability to make a difference,
even if that difference is only within yourself.
So how do we create our own meaning
and combat depressive symptoms?
It boils down to three things.
Number one, having a back up plan
when positive thinking doesn't work.
Number two, using guilt for growth instead of self loathing.
Number three, finding joy in lifting others.
Let's start with having a backup plan
for when positive thinking doesn't work.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough,
and doggone it, people like me."
This satirical self affirmation made famous
by "Saturday Night Live" character Stuart Smalley
highlights the type of thinking advised by many therapists,
researchers, life coaches and others.
While there is much research
to support the power of positive thinking,
sometimes, it just doesn't work.
Even when actively trying to focus on the good
and count your blessings,
you may still get caught
in self defeating cycles of thinking and behavior,
you can still fail to make improvements.
In my estimation, positive thinking is necessary,
but it's not sufficient.
So what's the backup plan when optimism fails?
Be realistic about your strengths and weaknesses.
All of us are a combination of talents and flaws.
People who see only their strengths tend to exaggerate them
leading to arrogance and a lack of self correction.
On the other hand, persons who consider only their flaws,
have a self perception
that is equally unrealistic and distorted,
leading to hopelessness and again, lack of self correction.
In our worst moments,
we tend to magnify some aspects about ourselves
while minimizing others.
When you look at yourself and see mostly flaws,
ask yourself if shame is causing you to exaggerate.
If necessary, ask a trusted friend
who will be honest with you.
Strip away whatever is magnified and distorted by emotion
to work with the truth of the matter.
Be humble and willing to change.
Label your behavior, not yourself.
Instead of "I'm a liar".
Redirect your thoughts to, "I should have been honest",
"I'm better than that and I need to make this right."
Instead of, "I'm a terrible parent",
redirect your thoughts to,
"I had a bad moment, I need to apologize, express love
and make this right."
In this way you don't engage in self defeating thinking.
After all, if you see yourself as a failure at your core,
you're gonna stop trying to improve
because you won't believe you can change.
However, if you see yourself as a good person
who needs to correct behavior,
you're far more likely to do so.
Practice a skill I call "Yes, But".
I knew a woman who when confronted with a weakness
would counter with "Yes,
but I'm good at other things."
I loved that.
She acknowledged her mistakes
and the thing she did not excel out,
but didn't allow this to drag her down.
She focused on the positive, on her strengths,
without negating the areas she could improve upon.
Many of my clients have found it helpful
after seeing the kernel of truth
in their negative perceptions,
and stripping away the excess
to practice the mental exercise of thinking, "Yes, But"
and finding a positive.
This looks something like this.
I'm not in as good of shape as I wanna be, yes,
but I can start today to eat better and exercise more.
I lost my temper and yelled at my children, yes,
but I also apologized,
held them close and told them that it wasn't their fault.
I took accountability and showed affection.
I feel so rejected after this breakup, yes,
but I've got loving family and friends
who will help me through it.
I feel sad about growing old, yes,
but at least I have the opportunity to do so.
Many people find that "Yes, But"
helps them to think positively will also be realistic.
To them, many positive thinking exercises
seem like hokum.
Accustomed to negative thinking,
their brains reject optimism,
like the body rejects an incompatible organ transplant.
The "Yes, But" exercise allows them
to redirect their thoughts,
while also being honest with themselves.
Set specific long term goals,
then make a tangible short term goals to get there.
Focusing on the good will fuel your progress,
but in and of itself, will not change the situation.
Combine your positive thinking
with goals of what you want to accomplish,
and set smaller goals to help you get there.
These smaller goals
should take you an hour or less to complete.
The accomplishment of achieving these mini goals
will facilitate positive thinking,
giving you the confidence
that only actual progress can provide.
After creating a backup plan
for when positive thinking doesn't work,
the second way to combat depression
in order to create meaning, is to use guilt for growth,
instead of self loathing.
In my observation,
there are two schools of thought about guilt.
The first is that it's a healthy emotion
that inspires us to change our behavior,
while the second are used that guilt contributes
to feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness
that impede our growth.
So is guilt healthy or is it harmful?
The truth is, it can be either,
like fire guilt can be beneficial or destructive
depending on its use.
Unhealthy guilt can be a major contributor to depression,
which can hold you back from creating purpose in your life.
Here's what to ask yourself to determine
whether your guilt is healthy or harmful.
First is your guilt directed at your behavior
or at yourself?
Healthy guilt is directed at a behavior.
It leads you to think I'm better than this.
I need to do all that I can to make this right
and behave differently in the future.
You feel bad, not because you're a bad person,
but because you've acted badly.
This type of guilt motivates self improvement,
confidence and accountability.
You refuse to be defined by your worst moments
but are humbled by them and learn from them.
Unhealthy guilt on the other hand
is directed at your identity as an individual,
it leads you to think I'm worthless,
I'll always be a jerk, I'm a screw up and a loser,
why even try it?
This guilt contributes to despair and self loathing,
and perpetuates bad behavior
because you cease to believe
that you can change for the better.
In this case, you internalize the guilt
and allow bad behavior to define you.
Healthy guilt, while a tough pill to swallow,
is bittersweet because it's bolstered by hope
that you can make things better
and or be better, it's hopeful.
Unhealthy guilt is hope less and makes you want to give up.
Redirecting your guilt
into something productive and proactive,
can help you to combat depression
and find meaning in your life.
The second thing to ask yourself,
is do you feel guilty about choices or circumstances?
Sometimes people feel guilty
about things beyond their control.
For example, a person with a crippling illness
may feel guilty that loved ones have to take care of them.
Other examples include survivor's guilt
and feeling guilty about success while others struggle.
This kind of guilt helps no one.
The only healthy guilt is over things
we've chosen to do or say.
It is purposeful because it helps us to make amends
and better choices.
If you're feeling guilty
because unforeseeable hardships
caused you to lean on others,
choose instead to be thankful for their help,
and empower to improve your situation or your attitude.
If you're feeling guilty
because your situation is good while others suffer,
choose to feel empathy for them,
and a desire to help them.
If you're feeling guilty
because you survived something that others didn't,
choose instead to feel gratitude
and to make the most of the gift of your life.
In short, choose to use guilt to enrich your life,
motivate change and make you better,
not drag you down and deplete yourself worth.
Let go of those things that you can't control
and have no need to feel guilty for.
Commit to making positive changes
and get help and support to do so.
This will help you to escape the trap of harmful guilt
that can feed into depression.
After creating a backup plan for when optimism fails,
and choosing healthy guilt over unhealthy guilt,
the final step in finding meaning
when depression makes life feel meaningless,
is to create joy out of helping others.
One night while stargazing in Utah,
I noticed an especially bright star in my right periphery.
Stunned by its brilliance,
I shifted my gaze to admire directly, it disappeared.
Black space existed where the star had been,
thinking that I was mistaken I looked elsewhere,
only to have it appear again,
shining brightly once more in my peripheral vision.
Time and again when I looked right at it, the star vanished.
When I focused instead on the surrounding stars,
it reappeared.
It turns out that the disappearing star phenomenon
is well known in the scientific community.
It has to do with how your eyes adjust to light.
The experience got me thinking
about humanity's universal search for happiness.
I saw clear parallel.
The more we focus on our own happiness,
the more it eludes us,
much as the star proved evasive when I tried to find it.
However, when we shift our focus to the needs of others,
we find brilliant joy,
much as looking to the surrounding stars
unveil the beautiful luminescence
of the disappearing one.
Now Gandhi understood this principle.
He thought that, "The best way to find yourself,
is to lose yourself in the service of others."
Of course helping others is like any virtue,
can be carried to harmful extremes.
I'm not suggesting that you enable others
to become dependent,
nor am I promoting being a doormat or worst of all,
taking personal responsibility
for another person's happiness,
a choice which is largely there's.
What I am saying is that, looking for ways to help others
to lighten their burdens,
to ensure that they feel loved and not alone,
is the best way to give your life meaning and fulfillment.
It will help you to escape the self centered living
that ultimately proves hollow.
To build meaningful relationships
and to establish self confidence.
Einstein understood this.
His wisdom extended beyond science when he stated,
"Only a life lived in the service of others
is worth living."
Focus on the stars around you,
and yours will shine all the brighter.
Try to help others feel happy,
or at least stand by them when they're sad,
and you'll find your own happiness,
or at least power against your sadness.
If you focus only on yourself, joy will delude you.
So to recap,
when it comes to finding meaning
when depression makes life feel meaningless,
remember that you can challenge
your brain's interpretation of what's happening to you,
you can create a meaning that's empowering.
Having a backup plan when optimism fails,
ridding yourself unhealthy guilt and lifting others
will help you in creating this meaning
and finding your purpose,
which can alleviate depressive symptoms.
Now, I want to hear from you down below in the comments,
what has helped you to cope with depression?
How do you create meaning?
Or if you have questions for us
about managing your symptoms or finding purpose,
let us know in the comments below
and we'll address them.
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Here at Mended Light,
we're invested in helping you heal yourself,
so that your light can shine to the world,
so that you can be the happiest best version of you.
I'm Jonathan Decker, Licensed Therapist,
and I'll see you next time.
(upbeat music)