Hi, everybody.
My name is Brian Quinn, although you can call me Q if you're
more comfortable with it.
I answer to everything.
And as you can see, I'm a pretty big Spider-Man fan,
and I bet you are too, so I'm going to read
to you a Spider-Man story.
Won't that be fantastic?
And it is this one.
It is from the Marvel Superhero Adventures
Across the Spider Verse, which means that we're
going to get a lot of different spider people
involved in this, which I love.
The more spider people, the better.
One day Peter Parker and Ghost Spider were in costume swinging
through Manhattan, and they were both singing songs
about themselves, and Peter was singing
the classic Spider-Man song, and Ghost-Spider, she
was trying something different.
They were work-shopping it when suddenly in front
of them appeared a green portal, and Ghost-Spider
said, watch out, that's some kind of portal.
No time to get out of the way.
And Peter Parker, who's been Spider-Man the longest and he's
seen a thing or two was like, oh.
I hate when this--
[WHOOSH]---- went through the portal, landed on the other
side and said, happens.
And looked around and they were in a giant alien arena,
almost like a football stadium but for aliens.
Ghost-Spider was like, hello.
Anybody home?
Spider-Woman was sitting on the edge of a building
just enjoying the day, and she said something that
no superhero should ever say.
She said, quiet day today.
And just at that moment, the same green portal
opened above her head and sucked her in.
And she said, of course.
I could be wrong.
She was wrong.
Silk was swinging along.
She got sucked into a green portal.
What?
In another universe, Spider-Girl was buying a hot dog
when she got sucked into the green portal,
and that was annoying because she really wanted that hot dog.
She kept grabbing at it going, what about my hot dog?
And the guy was selling her the hot dog was confused.
He was like, you want relish on that lady?
Lady?
And he couldn't see her because she had already disappeared.
And that is also by the way how hot dog
vendors talk in New York City.
Trust me.
I've eaten a share of their hot dogs.
Miles Morales' Spider-Man, which I love.
I got to imagine a lot of people out there are loving Miles
Morales, he had just wrapped up a criminal with his webs,
feeling pretty good about himself.
And he was like, another day, another crimina-- huh?
And the portal opened behind him and sucked in Miles Morales,
but when Miles landed in the arena, he came in ready to go.
He said, OK, bad guy.
I don't know why you brought me here, but it was a big mistake?
And he was confused because he looked around
and there were so many spider people.
The ones I already told you about plus Spider-Man 2099, one
of my favorites.
That's Miguel O'Hara.
He's from the future.
There was Spider-Man Noir who's from the 1920s,
and his whole world is in black and white, and Spider-Ham
who, well, he's a pig that fights
crime dressed like a spider.
Spider-Ham.
Peter Parker looked at Miles Morales
and said, all right, wait.
Don't tell me.
The face is familiar, but I can't quite place it.
He was making a joke because obviously
it was another Spider-Man.
And Miles, whoa.
So many Spider-Men, and Ghost-Spider said, who
said anything about Spider-Men?
Which was a good point because there were
a lot of Spider-Women there.
Spider-Man 2099, he said, what's going on here?
He talks a little bit faster because he's from the future.
And Peter Parker says, I don't know,
but I bet some super villain will show
up at any minute to explain it.
He's been through this before, you see?
Spider-Man 2099 looked down at Spider-Ham and said, really?
You're Spider-Ham?
And Spider-Ham looked up and went [OINKING]..
So?
I once met a spider who was bitten by a radioactive man.
[OINKING] He oinks because he's a pig.
And finally, the person behind all of this presented himself,
and he was a very, very tall blue alien with white hair
and flowing yellow robes, and he said, I am the Grandmaster.
For eons, I have brought the greatest champions
of 1,000 planets here to my home world
to compete against each other.
And today one of you will win my game or your world
will be destroyed.
Well, I mean, obviously that was pretty
scary for the spider people because nobody wants
to get their world destroyed.
Only one of you can win and save your world.
And Spider-Woman goes, oh, I don't
want anybody's world destroyed.
What if we refuse to play along?
The Grandmaster laughed.
Then I will destroy all of your worlds.
And that's when Spider-Man Noir pulled out his web shooters
and shot them at the Grandmaster and he said,
think again your big palooka.
Have a taste of my web shooters!
Grandmaster grabbed his web and swung him around and knocked
him into a wall, which sounds like it hurts
but it really doesn't hurt spider
people because, honestly, they're
quite used to it by now.
You don't get to be a spider person without knocking
into a wall or two.
So he was OK.
The Grandmaster continued.
I allow only that you choose the nature of your contest.
What will it be?
Gladiatorial combat?
A living chess board with human pieces, perhaps?
Peter Parker was like, no.
No. No.
No.
We choose the ultimate test of strategy and skill
of speed and agility.
We choose dodgeball.
That confused Miles.
He looked to Peter and was like, how
could you indulge this maniac?
We shouldn't be playing when worlds are at stake.
And Peter said, no time to explain.
Just trust me, would you?
Grandmaster thought about it for a second.
Dodgeball?
He had never heard of it before not growing up on Earth,
but soon he had set up a glass cage with a dodgeball court
in front of it.
The rules are simple.
You are to hurl rubber balls at each other.
If one hits you, you will be out and your world
will suffer the consequences.
Now Spider Ham was looking at a little dodgeball
and he was like [OINKING].
Oh, painful third grade memories,
which I guess means that pigs in Spider-Ham's world, yeah.
They play dodgeball in third grade like we do.
So that's good to know.
So Grandmaster and he said, I have seen similar contests,
but this is the first time with projectiles
that do not explode.
This should prove intriguing.
Let the games begin.
Well, Spider-man Noir did not like this.
He said, deciding the fate of the worlds is no game.
When you prowl the darkest shadows of society like I do,
you know how life or death struggle against--
[BOOP]
Then he almost got hit by a dodgeball,
ducked at the last second.
Hey, you palooka.
Now, palooka is 1920s slang for like jerk.
So he said hey, you palooka.
And Spider-Man 2099 was like, oh, it is so long.
Now they start throwing the balls at each other,
whipping at each other, and none of the balls are hitting them.
Every spider person is jumping out of the way
leaping and jumping and flipping.
Like Miles Morales is like, well,
you got to be faster than that to get to me.
Whee!
Whee! Oink!
Oink! Oink!
As he missed the ball.
Ghost spider was like, I don't think so,
and jumped right out of the way.
Now Iron-Spider who's a really cool spider who has some-- some
of Iron Man's armor around him.
They call an Iron-Spider, had extra spider metal legs,
and he jumped up and the dodge balls just
kept going through his legs.
So he said, thank you mechanical spider arms.
Silk, a ball couldn't hit Silk.
She was jumping all over the place.
She goes, smooth as silk.
Haha, missed me.
Ghost-Spider, missed me.
Spider-Man 2099, missed me.
Miles Morales, missed me.
Well, I'll tell you who didn't like all this missing.
I'll tell you that right now who walked right
out there is the Grandmaster.
This is not the game that he wanted.
And he said, what?
None of you have hit anything.
You must be cheating, not even trying to hit each other.
Nope, said Peter.
Nobody's cheating.
It's just nearly impossible to hit
someone who knows the ball is coming
thanks to their spider sense.
And the Grandmaster didn't like that either,
and he said, there must be a winner
and there must be a loser.
I insist that someone be hit now.
He had a little temper tantrum, and he looked at him
and then guess what happened.
Bonk.
The dodgeball hit him right in the face,
and then like a billion dodge balls hit him in the face.
All the spider people started throwing their dodgeballs
right at the grand master.
He didn't like this either.
Enough!
You're making a mockery of the competition.
The rules must be obeyed.
Ghost-Spider, she leapt up on the wall and said,
right you are.
The rules say that if anyone in the arena gets hit by a ball,
his or her world gets destroyed, but that's
exactly what we're doing.
It's not our fault nobody's gotten hit.
We can play all day, Grandmaster.
How about you?
Grandmaster knew that she had him,
and his shoulders slumped, and he said, it is true.
The failure is my own for not knowing
the skills of my combatants.
And for that, I, the Grandmaster,
am the loser of this contest.
Very well.
I shall destroy my own world.
Now Spider-Woman woman was like, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You mean this world?
The world we're standing on?
And Grandmaster said, the rules demand it.
Peter said, well, not necessarily.
The game's not over until only one of us
is left standing in this arena, but if you destroy this world
now, there won't be any arena to play in,
and that means we can't finish the game.
It's a tie.
The Grandmaster thought about this for a second
and he said, hmm.
Interesting.
It is true.
If the game can not end, the rules must dictate
that no one wins or loses.
Very well.
I declare this contest a tie and return you to worlds.
And he opened up these green portals
and started sending all the spider people through.
And on the way out, Spider-Ham said to Peter Parker, [OIKING]..
Pretty smart thinking, Spidey.
Oink.
And Spider-man, the original Spider-Man said,
thanks other Spidey.
So on a rooftop a bunch of the Spider-Men
got together to talk about what they had just gone through,
and Spider-Woman said, home again,
and Earth isn't even destroyed.
And Ghost-Spider said, saving the world is exhausting.
I can't wait to stretch out on my couch.
I don't blame her.
I like stretching out of my couch, too.
Or grab some pizza/ And Peter Parker said,
that sounds really good, but first,
and he held up the dodgeball that
he stole from the Grandmaster and said, anyone for a rematch?
[CHUCKLING]
The end.
And that is how all those spider people came together
and tricked the grandmaster using one of the greatest
games of all time, dodgeball.
I hope you enjoyed this story because I certainly
enjoyed reading it to you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]