Hi, I'm Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for
Smart, Strong, Successful Woman,
your personal trainer for love.
Welcome to Love U Podcast.
Have you been on a lot of bad dates?
Have you discovered that bad dates
are both life draining and
soul-sucking?
Have you considered that the reason
you're going on bad dates is
actually your fault?
Probably not.
In today's Love U Podcast, I am
going to show you how to have a great
first date and expect better
treatment from men overall.
So this
going to be a longer podcast today
because this is something I'm really
passionate about; something I've
been thinking about for a really
long time.
My view of dates
is informed by 17
years of coaching.
Ten years of dating.
And it doesn't mean that I'm right
and you're wrong. Anything you're
about to hear that sounds like I'm
disagreeing with you is certainly
not a personal attack.
But yours is probably
informed by years of terrible
dates, which is obviously going to
impact the way you view dating
overall.
The problem and this is a
Love U principle that we teach in
week one, it's not about right or
wrong. It's about effective and
ineffective rants.
I never anytime I say anything that
pushes your buttons or challenges
you, I'm not trying to suggest that
I'm right and you're inherently
wrong for feeling differently.
The goal is to
have success.
And there are better ways of doing
things than others.
I think we can all recognize that.
So if you've ever gone on a bunch
of dates where the guy's a half-hour
late, then reach for the check,
tried too hard to get laid, bitched
about his ex for two hours, you have
very valid reasons for being wary
of dating.
And so what I'm about
to propose today is sort of radical.
I don't know anybody else who gives
the exact advice that I give.
And I like that for
a very specific reason.
Most people stick with the surface.
We're going a level deeper not to
just figure out why, but
what to do differently, to get a
different result.
So my proposal is that your solution
to bad dates is actually
the problem of creating more bad
dates, which is hard to
digest.
Right. But if you're using a dating
app, you're swiping right and
you're texting and meeting guys as
quickly as possible for coffee
A.S.A.P..
Very specifically to avoid wasting
time, that's the primary reason
that dating sucks so much.
And the only way to get a different
result is to do something different
instead of complaining, "wow, this
sucks." So that's what I hear.
I hear a lot of dating sucks.
Dating apps suck.
Texting sucks.
But I don't see anybody trying to
get away from their way of doing
things.
So understand, as a dating coach for
smart, strong, successful women who
have everything but the guy, I have
a maximalist view of dating.
A maximalist view for our purposes
is something that results in a
best-case scenario.
Minimalist approaches
usually are in fear of the worst-case
scenario. So consider me.
I'll pretend to be a guy.
My best-case scenario is
I go for
dinner and drinks on a Saturday
night to a
great spot near her
home atmosphere.
Not too expensive.
And
we talk for three
hours until the restaurant kicks us
out. There's another bar we could
walk to within
a couple of
feet that I really scoped out.
We go there afterward for drinks
on a Saturday night.
Closed down that place.
It's 1:00 in the morning.
I drive home, walk her
to the door.
She invites me inside.
That's great. The first date
for me. Let's say it's for you.
For me, that's a great first date.
So
how do I make that happen?
That's going to be my question.
How do I make that happen?
I'm certainly not going to be by
swiping right and going to Starbucks
for a 20-minute interview.
We'll get back to that.
So it's my worst-case scenario.
I guess to go
on that same date
where the conversation
is like pulling teeth and
it's two hours of
brushing up against each other's
sensitivities and
just talking past each other and
not wanting to be there.
And then, you know, picking up the
check at 10:00 pm tonight for
someone that I decidedly don't like.
I guess that's the worst-case
scenario for a guy.
So imagine a guy
who might be the male equivalent of
you. He has a different experience.
And we talked about your experience
with the flakes and the guys trying
to get laid and the negative guys.
So imagine a guy who feels the same
way you do about dating.
So he's burned out.
He's been doing this for
a long time.
A lot of volume, a lack
of quality.
His experiences, women who
are really attractive have a million
options and they're going to flake
out on you.
Or
if they've got something to hide,
they're going to wait a long time
until meeting and then you're gonna
meet them in person.
They're not going to look like their
photo or he's
got a crazy ex who's sucked up
all of his energy and
his experience post X
has been really negative and dating
because, in his perception,
women go out with you.
Even if they don't like you,
they're not attracted to you.
They go for some taller, richer guy.
They just want free dinners.
A very negative cast on David.
And that's his experience.
I'm not saying it's good or bad.
We can say what we want about that
guy. But in his logical
mind, what's the point
of trying to plan a nice
date for a woman
when 90 percent of the women don't
turn out the way he expects
them to? Making a phone call.
Planning a date.
Spending money with a 50
to 75 percent chance that she's
not going to like him.
Which percentage of guys
do you like?
So if that's accurate,
it's a disincentive for a guy to
plan a great day.
And yet I would still recommend that
a guy do it.
But men aren't listening to me.
They're not listening to me at all.
So what do you see?
Selfishly, guy swipes right.
Texts, "hey, you want to hang out?
What are you doing tonight? Want to
come over?" It's a minimalist dating
method and it's based on low
expectations.
He's expecting nothing from
you. It's a volume approach.
He's trying to minimize the amount
of time he spends, the amount of
energy thought.
Emotional investment money.
It's a minimalist dating approach.
And that's where everybody's at
right now, is this minimalist dating
approach. And you can understand his
feelings.
You can understand how Tinder is
ideal for men.
It's not for women who
want to be seen
and want to be courted and want to
be treated well.
But if we just look at this
like some sort of game theory, you
swipe right.
As a guy on a thousand women.
She's reasonably attractive.
You text a hundred of them
and you put in a little effort and
you see who's willing to meet
as quickly as possible
and hook up as quickly as possible.
He might be a sincere guy who
wants to find a wife. But it's
really hard to resist the pull of
this, putting in as little
effort as possible for the most
possible reward.
So there's very little incentive for
a guy to engage in courtship.
That's why you have to differentiate
yourself. That's why you have to
sort of flip the script around and
listen. This is what I see every
day. I'm not in the interest
of blaming women if they had bad
experiences with men or men who've
had bad experiences with women.
But this is what my client's
do over the course of six months.
This is what they're complaining
about. Men put in no effort.
They're so lazy.
And so the solution is to reward
them more
for being lazy, for a lack of
effort. The solution is to continue
to swipe right and text
and meet strangers for coffee.
No, it's literally
the opposite.
So here's how we're gonna do this.
Let's work backward just the way I
told you about my ideal first date.
Let's work backward from the best
date you've ever had.
How could we recreate that
every single time?
And having done this for a pretty
long period of time.
Believe it or not, a lot of people's
idea of their ideal first date
doesn't begin with
a half-hour in a plastic chair at
two-thirty in the afternoon at
Starbucks.
It doesn't. It's what we're doing
to avoid wasting time, to avoid
getting hurt, to avoid making an
investment, to avoid it, to avoid,
to avoid. But again, it's
a minimalist approach.
How little can we do?
So if you go with the minimalist
approach, he goes with the
minimalist approach.
We just perpetuate more of this
problem. There's no screening
mechanism. There's no courtship.
We're assuming the worst.
And I like to assume
the best.
That might sound crazy because 90
percent of guys are
not useful to us.
But we want to screen those men
out before the date.
So close your eyes and
imagine you're in a happy place.
What's an amazing date?
Think back to the most amazing date
you ever had.
What steps can you take
to reverse engineer such a situation
so something like that could happen
again? And how do you nudge a guy
into treating you that way?
So if I were giving advice to men
and I did for the four, five years
of my career, I would tell them to
do this.
Now I'm telling you to do this exact
thing.
Because if every other guy is doing
this
and you got one guy who's like,
hey, you want to talk on the phone?
And I call you.
And we talk on Zoom for
an hour and a half
and it goes really well.
And I said it was a lot of fun.
I'll call you later this week.
And we do that.
We start to build up trust and
report excitement and anticipation.
And now there's this one guy who's
pulled ahead of all the other guys
who are just doing this.
This is one guy who's doing
it just by putting
in a little bit of time upfront
to ensure that if we go
on a date. If I take you out, you're
going to have fun and I'm going to
have fun.
So they will say that's time wasted.
No, it's time invested
to screen people and to avoid
a bad date.
So if your
ground in the idea
that dating minimalism
is the way to go,
guess what?
You're just feeding into the things
that men are already doing that
you don't like, putting a little
time, little effort, little ability
to differentiate themselves
at all because we're afraid of
wasting time and getting hurt.
And in order to turn that ship
around, you have
to nudge men
into courtship
to avoid texting, to avoid
coffee dates.
Why and how does this work?
Because they want to please you.
You're the goal.
If he wants to get anywhere with
you, he has to follow your rules.
That's the central premise of
Love U. You're the CEO and men are
the interns.
So how do you get the intern to
follow your application process so
that you get the kind
of date that feels great?
That closes down the bar at 1:00 in
the morning.
If that's your thing, that ends
in a good night kiss instead
of a handshake or a hug goodbye,
you have the power to make that
happen.
And I go deep on this,
right? I mean, this is just a
podcast, but I go deep on this
entire Love U course
month two. Month two is
called Meeting Men.
And we go through consecutive
weeks, flirting,
online dating, first dates,
courtship.
This entire week of material with
coaching on how to make sure that
if you have a first date, it's going
to be a good one.
So check that out.
Go below this
page. Read the description.
Learn more about Love U and I will
talk to you there.
My name is Evan Marc Katz.
I want to thank you for tuning into
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If you enjoyed it and you learn
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And if you're ready to find love now
look for the link in that
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Fill out an application to enroll in
Love U. Thank you so much.
Are you the woman who has everything
except your man?
You can have the relationship of
your dreams and you don't have to
change to get it
in love U, you will gain confidence,
let go of unhealthy
relationship patterns.
Learn to trust your judgment.
Understand and attract quality men.
Assess long term compatibility
and create a passionate,
unconditionally loving relationship
with a partner who puts you first,
never lets you down,
and always makes you feel safe,
heard, and understood.
Go to www.evanmarckatz.com
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