My wife is always happy. She's--
Even when bad things go wrong, she's always with a smile, this woman.
She came home... came home last month.
She was like, "Babe, I don't know what happened, but...
[laughter]
I was backing out of the parking lot at the mall,
and I just sideswiped a cement pylon.
[laughs]
It's just a graze.
It's a small graze.
You could probably buff it out
or use some Carnauba Wax to just...
You know?"
[laughter]
Now, my immediate reaction is to yell.
That's-- that's how I grew up. High volume.
[laughter]
I'd come home with a flat tire on my bicycle,
and my father would be like, "What the fuck is this?"
[laughter]
"I don't know!
[laughter]
I didn't see the nail!"
[laughter]
My wife grew up with a mother that was more forgiving.
"Accidents happen.
[laughter]
Just as long as you were not injured,
we could always replace it."
[laughter]
My father was like, "Guess who's walking this summer?
[laughter]
Can't get you nothing nice."
[laughter]
So now I can't yell-- I can't yell at my wife.
She does not respond to yelling.
Last time I raised my voice, she gave it right back to me.
She's like, "I don't know what this is, but you better bring this down,
and let's talk like adults and resolve it.
Okay, let's just resolve it. I think you need some therapy.
You and your father should get in some type of group retreat...
for your condition. I don't know."
[laughter]
So, I can't yell.
I got to push it.
I got to push this shit deep. I--
[laughter]
I don't even know who I am anymore. I-I don't even sound like me.
[laughter]
I'm sitting in the kitchen like, "Yeah, okay.
It's just a graze, then.
[laughter]
I think I could probably buff it out. If you said it's a graze... it's a graze.
[laughter]
Could we go to the driveway to look at what you call a graze is?
Because I'd love to...
[laughter]
...know in your head what you think that is."
[laughter]
She's like, "Yeah, no, I'll show you."
So both of us go out to the driveway.
I'm like, "We need a new door!"
[laughter]
[mouthing] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's me.
Wow.
My wife doesn't know what's involved in an accident.
That's my assignment now.
That's six weeks now that I had to deal with this headache.
Calling the insurance, telling them, "Listen, don't spike up the...
It's a graze.
Here, I--"
[laughter]
I've got to go rent a car, sign my life away
on 123 pages for a Nissan Altima.
[laughter]
I gotta go to a body shop. You ever go there?
Man, they're waiting for you to pull in.
What are you gonna do, fix it at your garage?
You do body work?
I know nobody that does this. I've got to go in.
You go to a body shop, everybody comes out,
the whole-- the whole garage.
[laughter]
When you pull in, they have a guy that's like,
"Hey, we got one. Let's take a look at it."
[laughter]
And they swarm the car.
They just...
I thought I was in a Cirque du Soleil show. They were...
[laughter]
Then they call out the head guy, he's the best actor they got.
[laughter]
"Frankie, you want to take a look at this?"
[laughter]
As soon as he sees the car, he's like, "Whoa.
[laughter]
What, did you get sideswiped by a semi?"
[laughter]
I said, "No, my wife calls this a graze. She says--
She says you could get it out with some Carnauba wax.
I can't open the door, but she says this is a nine-dollar job.
with some Carnauba wax.
I can't yell or scream at the house.
I have to suppress all my emotion and feeling into my feet,
and I don't know who I am anymore,
but she just says it's a graze.
Uh, I don't understand why she didn't see anything.
We have sensors and a camera in the vehicle.
But, of course, I couldn't mention that in the heat of the moment
or I'd be sleeping outside on the lawn.
So, if you could just get out your wax and buff that out,
that would be fantastic."
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
So this guy knows he's got me.
[laughter]
He goes into his whole spiel. They always get on one knee.
I don't like when they-- they do the one-knee job.
[laughter]
And then they start talking to themselves, "What the heck?
That's a shame. That's a shame.
[laughter]
See, if you would have got hit an inch...
[laughter]
An inch here...
I could have buffed it out. But...
[laughter]
since your wife hit it where she hit it,
I've got to remove the quarter panel, I've got to take out the trunk,
remove the seats, the engine's got to go..."
"What?"
[laughter]
"Hey, I'm just spitballing here, but 20, 21 grand.
I-- Don't quote me on that, I haven't removed anything, but...
that's what I'm guessing from the start."