-So just go at it? -Go at it.
-Is this his face or something?
[ Clink! ]
[ Pop! ]
[ Ding! ]
[ Bang! ]
-How do you get through a breakup?
Well, suck it up.
Be strong. Tough it out.
These are some of the things you hear people tell you.
Well, what if I told you that none of those work,
and instead, that you should do the exact opposite.
Give yourself permission to feel it all.
See, in 2010, biological anthropologist Helen Fisher
discovered, using MRIs and advanced brain mapping,
that when you're going through a breakup,
the exact same regions of the brain are activated
as when an addict is going through periods of withdrawal.
Simply put, we've scientifically proved
that love really is a drug.
It's a big deal, because it kills this notion
we went along assuming for years
that going through a breakup is just this emotional process,
when really, they're very much physical, too.
It's why you find yourself experiencing a loss of appetite,
fatigue, anxiety, and many other symptoms
that an addict goes through when experiencing withdrawals.
Like addiction, we figured we'd give you 12 steps
to help you through a breakup.
-Julian, we only have like -- We only have a few minutes.
-We can't do 12?
What about like 10?
Here are five steps to help you through a breakup.
First, we gathered participants who were fresh out of a breakup
and tested their current level of happiness.
-You know, it's kind of day-by-day.
Some days, it's tough. Some days, it's all right.
-How long was the relationship?
-It was 10 months. Yes.
But who's counting? -Hmm.
-Well, it was domestic for about a year,
but before that, we were like back-and-forth
for a total of like four years.
-The first step is to get your anger out in a healthy way.
Go at it.
-[ Grunts ]
-Come around and connect with it.
A couple more. Give me a good one. Finish out.
Yeah, work the gut, work the gut.
I like it. One more big one.
That's it. All right, champ.
All right, all right. You got it.
-[ Exhaling sharply ]
-How are you feeling? -I feel good.
-Kind of cleared everything else out.
-I guess that is one good way for me to get it out.
-Next up is to turn it into a learning experience.
You can't change the past, but you can use it as a lesson.
Looking back on your last relationship,
I want you to tell me three things that you learned from it.
-Perception greatly differs between different people.
You can be in the same situation,
same people, same place,
and have two different stories about the same event.
-Being more open.
-Age is sometimes more than a number.
-What was it that made you realize this lesson?
-We didn't fight a lot, but when we did fight,
it seemed to always boil down to the same issues,
and they seemed to be like fundamental,
intrinsic things within each of us.
-When you're giving your attention, time,
money, affection to something,
you are investing a part of yourself into that,
and that's the part of your heart
that you're giving to someone else.
-He wasn't always like the greatest boyfriend.
I wasn't gonna settle for somebody
who I had to explain myself to.
-The next part is perhaps the most important --
accepting where you are right now.
Try to be aware of what you're feeling, and don't push it away.
Don't shut it off. Don't suppress it.
One way to do this is through meditation.
And begin.
[ Gong chimes ]
-Welcome to this five-minute session for self-acceptance.
[ Relaxing music plays ]
-How are you feeling?
-Don't feel as much anxiety, you know?
Accepting everything as-is
and being able to
really objectively go about doing things
rather than just filling my time with to-dos
just to not think about it, you know?
-Acknowledge the good.
Just as there was a significant enough reason
to end your relationship,
there had to also be a lot of positive reasons
that kept you in it.
-[ Sighs ]
-Damn.
Um...
-Okay.
-Got it? -Yeah.
-One really positive aspect of dating Brian
was his outrageous personality,
overfilled with laughter and love.
-We had a lot of good times when we didn't have a plan.
-When we were eating Mexican food, singing karaoke,
playing with animals at the pet shelter,
watching horror films,
and out-hashtagging each other on Instagram.
-I felt in the best of times
like nothing else mattered at all
and the world was at our fingertips.
-[ Sighs ]
Sorry.
[ Sobs ]
I got to hand it to Brian, because he was everything to me.
[ Sniffles ]
I think in the past two months since we broke up,
I've spent a lot of time staying busy, doing other stuff.
There were a lot of things that I hadn't really asked myself,
whether it seemed superfluous at the time
or pointless 'cause it was over.
-You know, you build, you know, kind of your dailies
and your lifestyle around someone else
or your relationships
versus when you're single, it's just you.
So having to go back to just being me, you know,
you kind of feel like, hmm, almost lame sometimes.
But then I got to remember that I can be fun.
-Lastly, focus on your best qualities.
Breakups often leave us feeling like our world has crumbled,
like we're worthless.
So it's important to reassert your self-worth
and really internalize that you have value.
We had them write down their five best qualities,
the five greatest things they had to offer,
and handed it to a rapper.
-!!musiC@! Celebrate !!musiC@!
-!!musiC@! Celebrate! !!musiC@!
-!!musiC@! We're gonna celebrate you !!musiC@!
-Celebration.
!!musiC@! Molly, Molly, Molly !!musiC@!
-[ Chuckles ] -Yo!
-[ Laughs ]
-Yeah, yeah.
This one's for you. You got it.
!!musiC@! Yeah, yeah !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! This one goes out to my man, Scott !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! Mr. Reliable and loving and a sensitive guy !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! Miss Independent like a Ne-Yo song !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! So forward-thinking, that you're beyond smart !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! Do what you do, give the best of the best !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! You're the cream of the crop, never settle for less !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! 'Cause that's what you are -- raising the bar !!musiC@!
!!musiC@! No more dating ancient grandpas !!musiC@!
-[ Laughs ] -Whoo!
[music] There goes Sarah, working hard all day [music]
[music] Love is a drug, don't overdose [music]
[music] Go for gold, hold your own [music]
[music] You're the best around [music]
[music] "Karate Kid" song [music]
-After they were done,
we tested their current level of happiness.
We saw an average increase of 13% and jumps as high as 31%.
So yeah, maybe you can't change where you are,
but there is a healthy way to work through it.
Don't look at the relationship as a failure.
Recognize it as an experience that made you smarter.
In correlating breakups with addiction,
researchers proved something
we've known right from the start.
Time really does heal all wounds.
I'm Julian, and thank you for watching
this season of "The Science of Love."