Hey guys, it's me. Today I want to talk to you about something really traumatic that happened to me while I was on vacation
Before a million people asked this shirt if you want it. I'll put the link in the description below.
It's not mine it's someone else's, but I know a million people will always ask.
So I just thought I'd say it in the beginning, so I don't get a hundred comments like saying that okay.
So one I want to say I am physically okay.
I'm not ninety percent and a hundred percent, okay, but I'm physically okay. Emotionally it's a different story.
I'm also using my other camera, so I keep having to look if I'm in focus.
I'm sorry about that especially since the cat is moving behind me.
Okay so, I'm gonna try to do this and try to disassociate myself as much as possible while I talked about this experience.
Why am I making this video?
I'm making this video because I know that a lot of my friends, and people are very close with, and
people who just know me would like to know what's going on in my life.
And I feel like if I kept this hidden from them, it wouldn't be good for me.
And it would be good for them only because I wouldn't want it to come out from another friend,
and then someone didn't find out and then I have to explain the story all over again.
I want to make one video
I want to explain it one time, and I'm just gonna link this video to everyone. I cannot keep talking about it in detail.
It's literally, it's too painful to talk about in detail.
Okay, so I'm going to talk about it once and I'm gonna link all the videos to everyone this video to everyone okay
So I went on vacation. Last week I got back yesterday.
It was a really fun vacation, I was on a cruise and I went on different there was different place.
Sorry. I'm like really anxious why I'm anxious I stutter and I can't find my words.
I also just hit my head on my bathroom sink,
the uh handle thing while I was getting up and I hurt a lot so I probably have a big bump on my head.
Like I need that right. Okay, so you want the story?
It's already two minutes in let's go!
Okay, so I was on a cruise and my friend and I when we were in Jamaica and we did an excursion.
The excursion was really fun and we went to some waterfalls. Not the Dunn Falls another one. That ones the popular ones we went to a not popular one.
People in Jamaica dry very crazy, okay. They drive very fast, and I don't like that.
It gives me a lot of anxiety, but I was like okay...
This is just how they drive, I guess they're like people in Jamaica are just used to that would ya like either.
They know how to drive is what I'm saying. like, like that with other people who drive like that to they're safe.
The driver was very safe, so I went to the waterfalls we like climbed up. We jumped down.
It was really fun like lot of like, oh my god. I have to jump off this waterfall!
What but I did it anyways, and then we went tubing it was really fun.
Then we're back on the tour bus and the tour bus is,
The driver and they drive on the right side, then the tour guide is on the left side.
Okay, so I guess you guys watching this is that probably the other side?
I'm watching it from my seat, so if I'm sitting down at my seat.
Then there's 20 seats, so there's 20 other people on the bus with total 22, okay.
It's a small bus it's like, it's like a, like a caravan cut like a minivan type.
But like bigger and we all fit in there comfortably or whatever so we're driving and we're driving really fast.
And we're driving to go back to the cruise ship.
So as we're driving the back to the cruise ship the cars going really fast. We're driving really fast and,
a pickup truck swerves in front of us.
So we hit that the pickup truck almost head-on
And
All I hear is
Screaming and a really, really loud noise
Anyways, I don't know how to tell this story in, in, in, in a concise way,
so I'm sorry if it's all over the place. But so we hit a [stutters]
Pickup truck swerved into, into our lane and
um,
Don't I don't know I braced myself. I looked at my friend. I'm like are you okay, and they looked at me?
Are you okay? We were okay?
and
Then my lip all here was hurting I felt like my lip had been ripped off.
Honestly, I don't know what happened I'll explain that soon
And then I look up and I see that the tour guide also like sorry content warning, trigger warning, like car accident, blood,
Possible mention of death, maybe I don't know. Um the tour guide has like blood on her face, and she's
She's like stumbling and she's trying to get her phone out, and then I look down.
So I'm like if I see anyone dead I won't be able to be a human again ever. I won't be okay.
so I looked at my friends like just looked down don't look. Then we all get off the bus and,
The man in front of me is not okay, and he's looking down and he has blood all over him.
I think he maybe was leaning on the [stutters]
The window and the when the car hit.
He is he was fourth row I was the fifth row so he in front of me.
And he was bleeding and he just passed out on the bus. So as we got off the bus,
um,
We're on the side of the road in Jamaica with this accident.
and I'm trying not to look because there's blood, and
The tour guide is trying to call to get us another bus and then she passes out.
And then she comes back to it, and I don't know if they have an emergency service
there where we were. but there was no an ambulance or anything so we had to, not me I uh couldn't move.
We had to bring her into a car.
They had to bring her to a police car, to bring her to the hospital, and then the person was in front of me was
also put in the hospital.
He's okay. I saw him on the ship afterwards at the clinic in the ship, and he was okay. He just has a
Stitches on his head here in a bandage, but he's
He's okay, as far. As he was walking. He looked. He was okay, but he wasn't okay.
Know you're saying Chase don't make this video you don't have to talk about it,
but honestly I don't have anyone to talk about this and YouTube has been my therapy for 10 years.
So this is the only way I can get it out right now because I don't have access to therapy at this moment.
Trust me i'm going though.
So I need to let it out plus,
I don't want to have to keep copy pasting the same message to all of my friends, so I'm just gonna send this video.
So all the details are there anyway. So um we [stutters].
are waiting on the side of the road, the road for 45 minutes and,
There's another bus
There and he drives us to the police station, and then the police station we're waiting for 35 minutes.
No idea was going on.
I not didn't even have anxiety about not being able to get back on the ship, the ship isn't gonna leave without us.
We booked the excursion with the ship they can't leave without us. We were supposed to leave at 6:30.
The ship time, and it was like 5:30 like we still had some time,
I wasn't even thinking about that like there is no way the ship will leave. If the ship will leave we will all sue.
You know like it won't leave without even there wasn't even I didn't have anxiety about that
So we're waiting and then another bus comes and drives us to the ship. So the thing is that the we didn't get
Meet up or met with anyone from the ship, and they didn't tell us to go to the clinic, clinic there
But we went to get services and they refunded our excursion.
And they they gave us free movies, and free phone calls home. I called my dad, Aaron, and Zuzia.
Then we were able to go to the clinic complimentary like for free. So I went to the clinic downstairs
And they checked us and everything is like ok. They're saying that we're okay.
And they kept checking on us, honestly ok the, the, the, the ship was
Royal Caribbean where they were they were good. They were really good about it
Maybe they were they were good. They were you could tell that they were
Sympathetic and that the manager of guest services was really cared and like she, she really tried to take care.of us.
and I think he was a free food basket basket and like a,
Brownie cake and stuff like that like brownies or something. So that was that was ok um.
They refunded the excursion that we have in Mexico because it was snorkeling and
Now I can tell you about my lip.
I couldn't put a snorkel in my mouth, so I had these two bruises on my lip inside
They're prob- you can't probably see them because of the mouth really heals fast. But I have some pictures
Of that that I might add to this.
And the thing is that the [stutters]
Bruises were lines, and I'm like it's not my piercing. It's not my teeth. What is it?
I think I might have been drinking water when we hit, because now when I drink water it goes exactly
Like the water bottle thing it goes exactly where the, the bruise is.
So my lip was really put poufy for two days.
It looked like I had like a lip injection or something.
But it hurts to like drink water and like you know when you suck the water it like
Sucks your mouth it hurts. So I couldn't put the snorkel so whatever they, they refunded us no problem.
So that was I was nice I didn't expect that,
But we were in an accident.
So when we hit the when the car hit us.
Like I hear the screaming, and then I see the tour guide bleeding and looking at the driver.
Trigger warning, I don't know if the driver or the tour guide are alive, okay?
We did get some information to try to find out last we heard, like three days ago
They were both still in the hospital. So that means that they're both still alive.
But I don't know if they're okay especially because,
The, the pickup truck hit right where the driver was. I don't even know if the driver of the pickup truck is alive.
No, one knows. What happens people like oh you fell asleep. How would you know if you fell asleep?
You weren't in that car who knows like the pickup truck driver, not our driver our driver was careful.
Why am I so like shook about this? Yes, it's a car accident. I literally almost died.
Maybe some people will think that it's I'm being dramatic, and I didn't die and I should be grateful. I'm so lucky that I'm alive.
I was in a car accident when I was 13.
All of my anxiety, and all of my intrusive thoughts, and all of the issues that I have.
Stem, that's my route that is that car accident that I was in when I was 13. I was hit by a car on my bike,
really hard I
flew like
Five or six meters or something when I was younger it was bad.
So all of my anxiety stems from that that situation. I'm still trying to process it. So my whole life
Is all since that the accident has always been something Bad's gonna happen.
Something bad's gonna happen. Something bad's gonna happen. and nothing bad ever really happens.
Every time I think of something bad happening it doesn't happen. So my coping mechanism is if I think something bad gonna happen,
I know it's not going to happen. So that's what calms my anxiety. That's how I can get into a bus,
That's how I can get into a car. I'm gonna get in a car crash no no because I thought about it
I'm not gonna get in a car crash because every time I think about something it doesn't happen.
It's not healthy coping mechanism, but listen, it's what I've been able to deal with my whole life.
that's that's the only way I've been able to handle this type of trauma.
I thought of course getting into that truck. I'm like we're gonna have a car accident every time. I go anywhere every time,
I'm in my house that stoves gonna explode, the cats are gonna die,
I'm gonna go close the door on my head. All of these bad things the building's gonna explode something's gonna happen.
Literally non-stop in my head. It's non-stop.
The only thing that helps is distractions watchin TV, playing with the cats, talking to my friends.
But that I thought about all we're gonna get into an accident.
They drive so crazy here, but I was like no, no, no actual accident.
I thought about it
And then we get into an accident so now every single thing that I think about that is bad is gonna happen.
That's what it feels like. I know it's not the probability of getting into a second car track for crash are very low.
Yet i was in two, that means the third one's probably even lower.
but I was at 2! you know what I'm saying?
So I feel like now all the thoughts that I, that I have that are real are gonna be real. They're gonna be real.
So I'm having a really hard time right now.
I also have other trauma to deal with. Not car related related, but other stuff related I don't talk about online.
And now when one trauma happens if other people have trauma if they've dealt with trauma before.
Sorry, my battery is blinking.
If you've dealt with trauma before all the trauma you've had in your life that you've had before
Come back, and hit you all at once so,
Everything that I thought that I processed in the past is now
reemerged. And it's hard to talk about that or text that to my friends and
my family even the friend that I was with. That I was explaining and
So anyways um, I probably some details that I'm missing
But I did not feel good when we got hit my back still hurts my lower back
Especially my neck hurts a bit when I'm like walking down the stairs
I can kind of feel my back hurting. I didn't go to the hospital.
All I ever hear from Jamaica's are homophobic and transphobic we were not in a big city either,
I was like if I don't want to go.
We didn't go to the hospital.
So I might go to the ER in Montreal to get a CT scan.
Maybe of my head because I did hit my head on my water bottle and my water bottle will hit the seat in front of me.
So it really pushed me back. That's why the back here hurts.
But I did that I didn't really get medical.
I'm gonna show you my bruises so if you don't like bruises don't look here.
I don't know if they'll - shit there you go, so that's one of my bruises.
It looks a lot better than it did and then I have another one.
I don't know if you'll be able to see it, but it's on my leg. It's like right here, so
Those are the two main bruises that I have and then you can't see it.
No I think it's like all gone, but they were to here to the dots there the bruise is there.
So yeah, so that's my story.
Literally not clickbait, okay like I almost died for real.
and now I feel like I can't you I'm supposed to go to New York City on the
3rd or 4th of November because it's the New York, Marathon. I'm not doing it, but my friend is doing it
I have to pick up the race kit for him.
With with him. And then I have a talk that I'm doing in Maryland in Westminster, Maryland on the 7th of November.
I think so I have to travel
and
I don't know what to do because I usually take the bus down to New York from here because it's really easy it's eight hours.
Like that's it,
It's super quick, but and it's cheaper than flying,
but I don't want to get on another bus with a stranger.
Like we got into an uber and we're like we got into an accident. Can you please no?
Can you please make sure you don't drive fast?
Like I don't know how to go on with my life after this, and I have not I have not fully
Accepted what has happened? I'm still I was on a cruise. I was in a car accident.
There was blood. I'm hurt people were hurt, but we're all fine, but now we're back on a cruise and now I'm home.
What how those events just so quick, so how why?
My brain is not able to,
Compute what happened. Yet when I talk about it. I stutter and I have anxiety like crazy, crazy.
So my brain just can't process what has happened, and what is happening.
And it's really hard because I have moments right I break down crying
And I don't know what's happening and then there's, other moments where I can talk about it without stuttering.
And then there's other moments where I go into a lot of detail, and the only thing I can do is just
Talk about it like this.
So yeah
That's it for now
Um this sucks because I thought my anxiety was getting better. All in all the vacation was great though.
It was really fun to be on a cruise and to like go places and see things but.
Minus Jamaica accident. Jamaica was beautiful I wish I could go back.
I can't go back there
I don't know so I need to find a therapist that can deal with PTSD.
I need to get diagnosed because I know I've had it for years because of my original accident, because of the other trauma that I had
When I was younger.
But this is just if didn't [stutters]
Don't know how to go on with my life, I don't know how to go back to work.
I don't know how to make videos. I don't know please don't tell me to take break from making videos.
This is literally my pay, like this is how I pay my rent.
Sometimes, I'm okay sometimes. I'm not okay like I'm just-
I don't know. I don't know okay. I'm gonna go.
But yeah, so these my bruises. They're there [hard cut] okay my camera just died again. I'll tell you guys how I'm feeling, check my Instagram.
I love you so much. Thank you for joining me.