With a worldwide haul of $2.7 billion dollars, Avatar is literally the most successful film
ever made.
And it's actually pretty good, too — well, if the fans are to be believed, anyway.
Cameron's gorgeous and vibrant world was something that people just want to hang around in.
And when they couldn't, they got pretty bummed out.
"When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world
seemed… gray.
It was like my whole life, everything I've done and worked for, lost its meaning."
Slow down, though: that doesn't mean Avatar was perfect.
Between all of those dazzling special effects were a few dumb things in Avatar that everyone
just ignored.
Basic biology
Let's not even get into the science of growing an alien hybrid clone and taking control of
it with your emotions.
But what happens to the humans' bodies while they're in those pods?
We're told Jake spends a 16-hour stint in that little box, but how did he, like, use
the bathroom?
Are they wearing high-tech diapers?
Or are they just following Austin Powers pod rules?
We don't see anyone hooked up to anything in the box, so are they just holding it, or...is
there a drain at the bottom or something?
And to a larger extent, why not add a feeding tube?
Hamsters do it.
We can do it.
Convenient straws involve science that we've already perfected for total idiots, so why
can't we do this in the future?
Jake loses weight and is constantly reminded to eat when he comes out of the pod.
They can control alien hybrids with their mind machines, but they can't build in stuff
for basic bodily functions.
We expect more from you, future.
Do your homework
Jake is recruited to relocate to Pandora, but he seems pretty much clueless about...
everything in Pandora.
He skipped over the extensive training required to be part of the Avatar program and just
read the manual instead.
"How much lab training have you had?"
"I dissected a frog once."
Everyone knows that you don't skip the tutorial, especially if it's your real alien body on
the line.
Yes, Pandora is a beautiful new world, but Jake doesn't know his Avatar ass from his
Avatar elbow.
He messes with plants that could be poisonous and doesn't know the first thing about the
indigenous animals he's tasked with protecting his team from.
Which doesn't stop him from shoving his ponytail into one.
Which is gross.
The film obviously needs a character to serve as a way into the story, but the dude could
have dug a little deeper than Pandora's Wikipedia page.
Why use Avatars at all?
The entire concept of creating these alien Avatars doesn't seem like a wise way to build
real trust with an alien civilization.
The Na'vi are smart enough to understand that humans are different than they are, so why
do they think that making these "fake" versions of the aliens will help them connect?
Haven't they seen Star Trek?
Disguising yourself as an alien rarely turns out well, and then you have to get down with
a nerdy alien, and everything's a mess...
"Now, will you help me?"
"If you make love to me."
"... what?"
Also, if you're really trying to blend in, you have to go native.
So, why the heck do they still wear human clothes on their Avatar bodies?
If you're going to all the trouble to build this insanely expensive alien body, you probably
shouldn't dress like a tourist.
Lost in Pandora
We're asked to believe that in the distant future, science can create alien Avatars that
can be controlled through thought … but it can't track them?
"What?"
"I got a native doing the funky chicken here.
He's blocking my blade."
"Well, keep going.
He'll move.
These people have to learn that we don't stop."
They can barely even ID their guys visually, and almost kill Jake with their bulldozer.
Even today, as the grunting Neanderthals that we are, we can track just about everything,
from our dogs to our cars.
So what's up, high tech future?
When Jake is separated from the team, they have to scour the woods to try and find him.
Tracking isn't that hard, even without a global network of satellites, and especially not
a century into the future.
We've found Waldo, we've found Carmen Sandiego, and we can find Jake and his fancy alien body.
Late to the game
The Na'vi have a fighting chance during the big face-off at the end of the film because
Jake travels around Pandora and rallies the different tribes to help fend off the sky
people.
It's too bad none of the Na'vi thought of this sooner.
The entire Na'vi culture is built around a respect for nature, but this is the first
time they've considered the idea of teaming up to try and push these sky people out once
and for all?
All it took was a non-native hero to come in and fix all of the dumb Na'vi's problems.
Or maybe getting the Na'vi to do their own version of the Care Bear Stare was just a
really weak plot contrivance.
The giant knife
It made for a cool, bizarre moment when Colonel Miles Quaritch's robot pulled out his own
giant knife during a fight, but the whole thing is wildly impractical.
If you want to add a bladed weapon to your giant robot, build it right into the arm!
Robots are made with all kinds of awesome contraptions and hidden doodads.
Instead, the robot designers created a holster for the knife, and relied on a robo-hand to
hold it.
Which then -drops it.
Even BB-8 had a lighter tucked away in his guts.
And y'know what?
As far as movie knives go, it wasn't even all that impressive…
"That's not a knife.
THAT's a knife."
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