-Hey, everybody, welcome to "Corrections"
for the week of May 24th.
We changed the title card again.
We've been trying to find the right way to describe this,
and it is now an online inclusive.
We were told, you know, it's not really that exclusive.
Anybody can watch it. But it's very inclusive
in that we are responding pretty much to every --
We've invited all of you to participate.
You know, all you need is an Internet connection
and a total lack of boundaries, and here we are.
Also, I want -- I like this.
A lot of the comments, people are saying, "Are you okay?
You seem aggressive." I really genuinely like this.
I mean, the fact that week in and week out,
I can make myself better with your help
means a great deal to me.
So I'm sorry if it ever comes across that I am angry
in any way, shape, or form in responding to your feedback.
So, last week, I talked about the fact
that I sometimes say, "That is the definition of."
And it was pointed out to me
that I should say, "That is the epitome of."
And then I said to make a correction like that
is the epitome of pedantic.
And then a lot of you said
it's actually the epitome of pedantry,
'cause it has to be a noun.
And I just want to say thank you.
And also that I'm so impressed
you jackals can type in with your little jackal paws.
[ Laughter ]
I mean --
I mean, to make a correction --
to be called pedantic
and then say, "It's actually pedantry,"
that would be like -- it'd be like getting on an airplane,
a guy taking off his shoes and putting his socks
on the tray table, and you saying,
"Hey, man, I don't want to look at your socks."
And then he just peels --
looks at you and just peels the socks off.
Oh, I said we had a crocodile smoke a vape pen.
A lot of people said you don't smoke a vape pen --
You vape a vape pen.
Or to put it more succinctly, you look ridiculous.
[ Laughter ]
And, look, I'm just worried
that teens are going to start vaping more
because of "Mare of Easttown."
'Cause everybody wants to be Mare.
Solving murders, vaping their vape pens,
and making eyes at Guy Pearce.
This one, I...feel bad about.
I said "shayman" when it's shaman.
And what makes it worse
is my staff has tried to correct me on this in the past,
and I continue to get it wrong.
So "sham" on me. [shame/shaman]
[ Laughter ]
That was a joke somebody made in "Corrections."
And -- But because I'm a dad,
I'm legally allowed to steal that joke.
I talked about our photographer Lloyd,
who's Scottish.
And, you know, I talked like him.
I used his voice, and someone said,
"That Scottish accent is an abomination,"
which is what we tell him every day.
[ Laughter ]
Like, we know.
'Cause I've heard -- I've heard regular Scottish people,
and Lloyd ain't that.
You know, we'll say, "Lloyd,
can you get some pictures of the guests?"
[ Scottish accent ] "I don't have my camera!"
[ Laughter ]
"Nobody told me!"
[ Normal voice ] We're like, "Why do we --"
[ Laughter ]
This might be a trap, but I think it's true.
I had multiple Canadian viewers told me
that Canadians don't say Toronto.
They say "Trono."
Like, you don't hear the second "T."
And I believe they were Canadians,
because they were very --
In their correction, they were very apologetic
about even bringing it up.
I said Kroger's.
It's Kroger.
I said Kroger's on purpose
just to, like [bleep] with you.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, you know, we did it tonight in the show.
I did Werner Herzog,
and a lot of people
said that my Werner Herzog is Christoph Waltz.
Nonsense.
You know,
look, it's not the best Werner Herzog in the world, but
[as Herzog] Werner Herzog would say of "Corrections,"
it is a man's desperate attempt,
[Normal voice] whereas Christoph Waltz would be like
[as Waltz] "Corrections"! It's time to begin!
[ Normal voice ] It's, like, enthusiasm.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Waltz ] Here we go!
Number one.
[ Normal voice ] Um...
And other people
said my Herzog sounded like John Malkovich,
which is equally offensive to me,
[as Malkovich] because John Malkovich is here.
It's up here.
It's very different.
And to say
that I sound like Werner Herzog
is an idea that I dae not entertain, sir!
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] This isn't a correction.
This is a-a story
about John Malkovich.
So maybe could we --
Could we make a title card?
It will say, um...
"Celebrity Anecdote in the Body of 'Corrections.'"
And can we just make that and add it in post?
So -- Thank you.
So, John Malkovich hosts "SNL."
2008. And he was in a sketch --
There was a sketch that was written
where it was a lost Judy Blume novel,
and he was a character in a Judy Blume novel.
And his outfit was a pink turtleneck and pink overalls.
And on Friday, he had to take a photo shoot for it.
And so he wore it for the photo shoot,
and then he just kept it on all day
because he said it was super comfortable.
So already greatest day of my life.
John Malkovich, spending time with him, already the best,
and he's wearing a pink turtleneck and pink overalls.
And then I said to him, "What did you do last night?"
And he said to me,
[as Malkovich] "I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner.
But they canceled, and so I ate alone.
And to spend -- To pass the time,
I tried to think of the name of every film I'd ever appeared in.
And the 65th film I thought of
was 'Being John Malkovich.'"
[ Laughter ]
"And you'd think it would have been earlier."
[ Normal voice ] And then can we just do a title card that says,
"This has been Celebrity Anecdote
in the Body of 'Corrections'"?
And thank you for turning those around so quickly.
Oh, this is embarrassing.
We were talking about how calculators --
Back in the day, on calculators, you could spell out BOOBS
if you typed 80085.
A lot of people pointed out to me
that what you would actually do is 58008
and then turn it upside-down,
'cause that was -- That was the reveal
that made it titillating.
You know, like, 'cause as a teenage boy,
you'd be like, "That's just numbers."
And then you be like, "Ah-oogah!"
[ Laughter ]
'Cause we didn't have the Internet, fellas.
We had to -- We had to get it where we could.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
And if the teacher came over,
and she's like, "What are you boys doing?"
we're like, "Just the 80,000s."
Um, oh, this is a correction for a waiter I had last night.
So, last week --
Was it last week that you were on the show, Wally?
-Yeah, -So, last week,
Action Bronson, who we love, canceled.
We did not have time.
This makes it seem like, "We didn't have time,
so we had to --" But we were very happy.
We said, "You know what?" 'Cause it was very late.
We said we'll have Cue Card Wally as a guest.
And it was genuinely great.
And I got a ton of feedback from people
who enjoyed listening to Wally tell his stories.
And then last night, I'm at dinner,
and my waiter walks over and said,
"Hey, uh, tell Cue Card Willie we love him here."
[ Laughter ]
And I said, "Uh, you bet I will."
[ Laughter ]
Mm, uh...
Oh, this is a very similar criticism,
that Mikey the Shoe
sounds like Tony the Fauch,
which is Tony Fauci, Anthony Fauci, Dr. Fauci,
'cause he's from Brooklyn.
But they're very different.
Tony the Fauch is, first of all, beloved.
[ Laughter ]
So when he goes back to Brooklyn, he's like,
"Hey, Tony the Fauch is -- It's the summer of the Fauch!"
And people are like, "Hey, Tony, can I take my mask off?"
He's like, "You could take it all off for all I care!"
[ Laughter ]
They'd be like, "Tony, give me a number."
"You want my number? 58008,
upside-down!"
[ Laughter ]
Whereas Mikey the Shoe,
you know, he's from -- he's from the Bronx.
He goes back there, they're like, "Get outta here!"
He's like, "Oh!
You're just mad at me 'cause I made it out."
They're like, "You still live here."
He's like, "Yeah, but I went to Manhattan today,
and then I came home," and they're like,
"That's not making -- You commute."
[ Laughter ]
Somebody said to me...
that I said, "This is a perfect quote."
And quote is the verb, and quotation --
I should say, "This is the perfect quotation."
I looked it up, and it turns out the way I did it is also fine.
So that's not necessarily a correction.
That's just an example
of the [bleep] I have to put up with.
[ Laughter ]
Another thing is, people said, "These don't --
Sometimes these don't feel like corrections."
Someone said, "You know,
you should start calling it 'Justifications.'"
And I'm going to keep calling it "Corrections,"
but you can call it whatever -- whatever you want.
Um, guys, I like this.
This makes me happy. And I --
Again, I feel like I drifted away
from the joy part, but...
we're about to go on a week's hiatus,
and, uh,
I just want to let all of you know
that I will spend that time with my wife.
And there will be corrections every day.