>> James: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A TREMENDOUS
STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND CO -HOST OF THE VERY FUNNY PODCAST BUT
OUTSIDE. WE'RE THRILLED HE'S MAKING HIS
LATE-NIGHT DEBUT HERE TONIGHT. PLEASE WELCOME THE HILARIOUS,
ANDREW MICHAAN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) >> HEY, JAMES, IAN, REGGIE,
AND -- MARTHA? NO?
HI, EVERYONE. HOW'S EVERYONE DOING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE TO BE HERE, I HAVE BEEN
EXERCISING A LOT LATELY TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF PI HEALTH COMING
OUT OF THE PANDEMIC. I ACTUALLY JUST RECENTLY
COMPLETED THE LOS ANGELES GUYS TRIATHLON, SO -- YEAH, USUAL
RITHERE'S AN APPLAUSE BREAK. ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A TRIATHLON. COME ON.
IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR, THE L.A. GUYS TRIATHLON IS WHERE YOU SURF
FOR TWO HOURS, YOU SKATE BOARD FOR THREE HOURS, AND YOU TELL
FOUR GIRLS YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE WHOLE L.A. EXPERIENCE.
YOU GET IT. HAS ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE HAD
SEX WITH ANYONE FOR ANY WITHIN OR ANYTHING?
GREAT, GREAT, HAS ANYONE BEEN IN OR OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP ON
EITHER SIDE OF THAT? OKAY, JUST TRYING TO CONNECT
WITH YOU ALL A LITTLE BIT. I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR A
WHILE. MY EX, SHE AND I BROKE UP NOT
TOO LONG AGO, SO I'M SINGLE NOW. SORRY, LADIES.
I'M TRYING TO DATE YOU NOW. MY APOLOGIES.
MY EX AND I WENT TO COUPLES THERAPY, AND I THINK I WON ALL
THREE SESSIONS. FELT GOOD TO EXIT ON TOP.
TO BE HONEST, I THINK WE BOTH LOST.
IF ANYONE WON, IT WAS OUR THERAPIST, IT WAS VERY
EXPENSIVE, SO THAT'S WHO WON. I WILL SETTLE DOWN ONE DAY.
I'M GETTING OLDER. I'M ALREADY 19, AND --
( LAUGHTER ) TIME FLYS.
I HAD THIS REALIZATION THE OTHER DAY, I HAD THIS PHILOSOPHICAL
THOUGHT, REALLY. I REALIZED THAT MY FUTURE WIFE
HASN'T EVEN BEEN BORN YET! THAT'S SO INTERESTING, RIGHT?
IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT, YOU KNOW?
IT'S, LIKE, WE'RE ALL HERE IN THIS ROOM AND WHERE IS SHE RIGHT
NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT, RIGHT? WHERE IS HER ESSENCE?
WHERE IS HER SOUL? IS SHE FLOATING IN THE
PRIMORDIAL OOZE OF THE COSMOS AS WE ALL SIT HERE?
WHAT IS TIME? IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, POETIC
THOUGHT OF MINE. SOME OF YOU DO SEEM KIND OF
GROSSED OUT BY THAT. LET ME CLARIFY, I'M NOT GOING TO
MARRY A TEENAGER OR SOMETHING, OOOH, NO.
I'LL BE 90, SHE'LL BE 50. IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY COOL AND
NORMAL, I PROMISE. THE REASON I FEEL COMFORTABLE
TELLING THAT VERY INSANE JOKE IS BECAUSE I TEND TO DATE WOMEN WHO
ARE OLDER THAN ME. RECENTLY I STARTED SEEING
SOMEONE A LITTLE BIT, WHICH IS PROBABLY EXACTLY HOW SHE WOULD
WANT ME TO PUT IT, AND SHE'S 40, WHICH IS, LIKE, AS OLD AS IT
GETS. ( LAUGHTER )
SO THAT'S THE END OF THE LINE RIGHT THERE.
I MET A YOUNG COUPLE RECENTLY WHO WERE BOTH IN THEIR EARLY
20s. THEY WERE BOTH CELEBIT AND
VIRGINS AND ENGAGED TO EACH OTHER TO BE MARRIED.
THAT'S SO OLD SCHOOL. IT'S SO STRANGE TO ME TO COMMIT
TO SOMEONE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT
SEX WITH THAT PERSON OR IN GENERAL.
THAT'S LEAVING SUCH A HUGE THING UNKNOWN AND MAKING THIS GIANT
COMMITMENT. TO ME, THAT'S LIKE HAVING NEVER
EATEN A BITE OF FOOD BEFORE, WALKING BY A RESTAURANT, LOOKING
AT IT FROM OUTSIDE AND DECIDING I'M GOING TO EAT AT THAT
RESTAURANT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH WORSE THAN THAT BECAUSE THE CHEF AT
THIS RESTAURANT HAS ALSO NEVER TASTED OR COOKED FOOD.
( APPLAUSE ) EVERYONE INVOLVED VERY NEW TO
THE WHOLE CULINARY EXPERIENCE. ( LAUGHTER )
I GUESS THEY'VE HAD FOOD BEFORE, THEY'VE JUST NEVER EATEN LIKE A
PROPER MEAL, YOU KNOW. LIKE THEY'VE HAD CEREAL ALONE AT
HOME, WHILE THEY WATCH VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET OF OTHER PEOPLE
ENJOYING A REAL MEAL TOGETHER, SO THEY CAN GET HUNGRY AND IN
THE MOOD TO EAT, LIKE SOME STEAMING HOT CLIPS ON FOOD
HUB.com. ( LAUGHTER )
YES, THIS ANALOGY IS STILL GOING.
>> AND EVERY TIME THEY EAT THEIR SOLO CEREAL, THEY FEEL DEEPLY
ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. IT DEFINITELY SOUNDS LIKE A VERY
PIG BURDEN. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS BUT
I'M JUST MORE OF A FOODY MYSELF. HUGE LAUGH THERE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, HUGE LAUGH ON THAT.
I'M ACTUALLY NOT A FOODY, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST.
I GOT TO COME CLEAN, I ACTUALLY AM THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF A
FOODY, WHICH IS A VEGAN. YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) I AM VEGAN.
I HAVE BEEN VEGAN FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
ONE SAD WOO FROM THE CORNER. ( LAUGHTER )
I HAVE BEEN VEGAN FOR TEN YEARS, BUT I'M NOT ANNOYING ABOUT IT,
DON'T WORRY. I HAVE A CHEAT DAY EVERY ONCE IN
A WHILE. LIKE YESTERDAY, I KILLED A DOG,
YOU KNOW. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU STILL HAVE TO HAVE FUN. YOU HAVE TO HAVE FUN.
THAT THE IT FOR ME. MY NAME IS ANDREW MICHAAN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THIS IS SO FANTASTIC.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JAMES. >> JAMES: ANDREW MICHAAN,
EVERYONE YOU CAN SEE HIM LIVE, NEW YEAR'S EVE AT THE GRAND LAKE
THEATER IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.