MOANING
MUSIC: Hallelujah Chorus
HE EXHALES
So, er, freshers week starts...with a bang!
Literally. SHE CHUCKLES
Because I banged you. Yeah, I'm with you.
I'm sorry about the cramp, by the way. No, it's fine.
I mean, I was really going for it.
My brother says it's all about the pump count.
I like to hit 100ppm, if possible.
Pumps per minute. Right.
Pumps per minute. I got it.
SHE CHUCKLES
Happy with my PPM?
Um, yeah, spot on. Sweet.
And, er, do you reckon your flatmates heard?
Oh... Yeah, probably.
Get in. Should help to get the buzz going.
You know, get everyone talking about how there's a shagger on campus!
You can't buy PR like that.
I could tweet about it, if you want.
Seriously? Hand out flyers?
SHE LAUGHS
That is what uni's all about, though, right?
You know, getting drunk, getting laid.
That's what my brother says, anyway, and he'd know. Yeah? Yeah.
He is right, isn't he?
Totally. I actually had a guy back on Tuesday night. Really?
Anything happen? We fooled around. You slept together?!
I'll leave you to work out what "fooled around" means!
We weren't exactly having pillow fights all night. Oh.
Right. Bet, um...
Bet we'll have a few more notches on the bedpost by the end of
freshers, eh? Yeah, I'll have fuck-all bedpost left!
People will start to think I've got woodworm!
Yeah, people will think that I've got some sort of...like, um...
Plenty of Netflix and chilling ahead.
Illegally streaming or chilling more like. I'm not made of money!
Yeah.
But, if you ever want to pop over to watch something, that'd be cool.
All right, thanks.
Anyway, better be off. Pub golf tonight. Oh.
It's meant to be carnage. Good luck. I'll pray for you. Yeah!
But, uh...do drop me a line, if you ever want to chill.
If you're...feeling homesick or anything...
I could cook something and...
we could watch a film.
Definitely. But, er...call ahead.
Chances are I'll have company. Oh, right.
Yeah, I mean, on the first night, I, um, had a threesome, so...
You had a threesome? Already?
Yeah, me, one of the guys from my flat and these two really hot girls.
Isn't that a foursome?
Yeah...one of those.
OK, actually, do you know what, Liam? Fuck it, I won't be calling.
Oh. I'm not looking to shag around.
I slept with you because I thought you were cool. Really?
Yeah, but apparently I was wrong.
But you fooled around with someone on Tuesday night!
He's my friend, he's gay, we played Mario Kart. I love Mario Kart! Why?
Because your brother told you you should?
Who, by the way, sounds like an idiot. 100ppm?! That's not a thing.
You're not a woodpecker!
And, look, OK, I haven't had sex that many times,
but I've had it enough to know that that was average.
I...
I was more in the vicinity... than actually involved...
What? In the foursome.
What're you talking about? It was at a house party.
I was guarding the door.
SHE SCOFFS
You're a fucking loser. Yes!
I'm a loser! SHE CHUCKLES
But I like you. Yeah?
Maybe I could hang out here a bit longer?
Suppose so. Bit of Netflix and chill.
Sounds great!
I do actually have Netflix, by the way. Same here.
I don't actually agree with illegal streaming.
SHE CHUCKLES