Hello! Welcome to today's video and we are talking the little green monster. It's an
important concept because it can do damage in both your dating and your relationships.
And so today, I'm gonna give you a five-step process to handle your jealousy.
I'll see you in just a second.
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Welcome to today's video, and this is a topic that I'm personally super passionate about.
How do you handle your jealousy? It's a massive topic and in fact, I'm going to do a second
video in a little bit later in the year to give you more strategies to handle your jealousy.
But I think one of the reasons I'm so passionate about this topic, and it's one of the things
that I believe separates my channel from a lot of other coaches, is that I work with
clients really hard working on themselves. We do a lot of self-work, and we do a lot of
stuff on improving themselves and this, handling your jealousy is a huge topic in that area.
So what is jealousy before we get into it? Jealousy is an instinctual response.
It's a feeling coming from a very old part of our brain, evolutionarily speaking.
Its purpose is to avoid surprise and betrayal, to gain back control and to seek reassurance.
In other words, if you see your boyfriend talking to another girl, you want to avoid
surprise and betrayal of him leaving you. You want to gain back control, so the temptation
is to get in there and do stuff and seek reassurance from him that he's still loyal to you. The
problem is some of our brains' oldest evolutionary responses, don't work so well in the modern world.
Acting on jealousy is often detrimental to your dating and relationships today.
And in fact, jealousy has caused a lot of anger, a lot of drama, and in some cases even death
in intimate relationships. So you need to know when it's appropriate and while you're
not wrong for feeling it, sometimes you can be wrong for acting on it.
Okay, so five steps to handle jealousy and the first step is very, very simple.
In fact, you've probably already done it simply by being here. Acknowledge it. Acknowledge that
you feel jealous because you can't fix any problem that you're denying.
Step number two is stop yourself acting on it. While jealous feelings are normal, jealous actions are very
rarely justified. So stop yourself acting on it. Revenge. Jealousy is never the answer.
Step number three. Now let's closely examine the feeling. Is your feeling of jealousy justified?
And this is where you got to have some brutal self honesty. Do you not trust your partner
for some reason? Has your partner done something to betray your trust? Is your partner intentionally
making you jealous? If any of these are true, then it's going to be about communicating
with your partner and asking yourself why you're with someone that you don't trust?
But in most cases, none of these are going to be true.
And that's why you have to own the feeling. Because if your jealousy isn't justified, and
you can acknowledge that the feeling is very normal, but acting on it, remember, is not
the answer. So if you've answered no to all of those questions and you've said, okay,
this feeling is normal, but I also know that in this modern situation it's not justified,
then you're ready to begin working on it.
Okay, step number four, it's time to get to the root of the problem.
What are the thoughts underlying your jealousy? See, any feeling
that you have is caused by a thought. If a guy doesn't show up to a date, then you're
either thinking, "Oh, he's being rude," or "Oh, something must have happened to him." The exact
same scenario can produce different feelings depending on your thought. So let's examine
the thoughts behind your jealousy. Be really honest with yourself and think, what are the thoughts?
What's causing me to feel this? The reality is, that jealousy is often correlated with
lower self esteem, and that's okay, but it's time for you to own that and examine those
thoughts. Okay, so let's have a look at some of the thoughts that are underlying the feeling
of jealousy and be brutally honest about the internal language that's going on in your mind.
Are you thinking, "He's going to leave me for her"? Are you thinking, "I'm not good
enough to keep him"? Are you thinking, "He'd never choose me over her"? Are you thinking,
"I need to stop him leaving me"? Are you thinking, "I have to control this situation so that he
won't leave me"? Have a look at the underlying thoughts and once you've identified them,
write them down.
Step number five. Now, you've already got the thoughts down on paper that are causing you
to feel jealous. If you haven't done that yet, I'd encourage you to pause the video
and really examine the underlying thoughts. Once you've got them, what we need to do in
step five is designed some antidote thoughts. So these are thoughts that are going to counteract
the negative ones that are making you feel jealous. Each time you find yourself feeling
jealous and thinking those thoughts, you've got to practice and get into the habit of
thinking your new replacement thoughts. This isn't something you do once or twice.
It's a habit that you've got to keep up because you've been in the habit of thinking jealous
thoughts, so you're going to have to get in the habit and get good practice of thinking
your antidote thoughts. For example, "He's going to leave me for her." Your antidote thought might be,
"He can leave me for her, but he'd be an idiot to do so."
"I'm not good enough to keep him." Your antidote thought might be, "If he cheated, it would prove
he's not good enough to keep me."
"I hate that women hit on him." Your antidote thought for that one might be,
"I love that he's an attractive man, and if I'm honest, I wouldn't have it any other way."
"I have to stop him leaving me." Well, you could replace that one with,
"If he's silly enough to leave me, I will be just fine."
"I have to stop this happening and control the situation." Well, you can replace that with,
"I don't have to control this situation because I trust him."
Figure out what your antidote thoughts are. So there's some examples there,
but figure out what yours are. If you're not sure, go back to step four, examine the underlying
thoughts and figure out what the antidotes are. And then every time you catch yourself
thinking the first thought that's making you jealous, practice thinking your antidote thought.
So those are the five steps. Now, as I said, I'm going to do another video on this, but
I want to just give you one more little bonus step right now to help you handle your jealousy.
Because sometimes those mindsets, your antidote mindsets can be hard to keep in mind and hard
to believe at the time. So I'd say this little bonus step is use your jealousy as a trigger
to work on yourself. In other words, every time we feel jealous, it's usually because
we're not feeling that good. We're a bit insecure and we're not feeling like the prize that
logically, we know we are. So use jealousy, not just as a trigger to think your
antidote thoughts, but as a trigger to work on yourself. So he goes out with his friends
and you know girls are going to be hitting on him. You can sit at home being jealous
and hoping that he calls you and then harassing him to call you and then him wanting to get away.
Or you can say, "Wait, I'm feeling jealous. That's a trigger to work on myself. Okay,
what can I do extra this week for work? What hobby can I pursue right now? Which friends
can I hang out with? How can I make a plan for this week to kick more ass in my life
than I've ever kicked before?" Use jealousy as a trigger to work on yourself and it's
going to be a hell of a lot easier to keep in mind all those antidote mindsets that stop
you being jealous. Well, that's it. Thank you so much for watching! As I said, there
are some more advanced strategies, so once that next video is out, I'm going to put that
one in the description as well, but that should give you something to use right now to instantly
make you feel better and stop yourself feeling jealous as specially and importantly, if that
jealousy is unjustified. Jealous feelings are normal, but jealous actions are not and
can be extremely toxic to your dating and relationships. Well, thank you so much for
watching! That's, that's the whole video. I'd encourage you to leave a comment, make
sure you leave your thoughts, comments, questions, etc. Below, give the video a thumbs up and
of course, don't forget to subscribe. Make sure you subscribe to the channel. Hit the
little bell so you get notifications when new videos are out, and I look forward to
seeing you in the next video very soon.
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