which is really just an elaborate way of saying
I'm on Tinder, um...
Tinder, you know, this cool dating app
where you can--where people who are just looking
for casual sex can meet up with people
who are looking for serious, long-term relationships.
I like it. You know, it's--
If you're not familiar, it's this very superficial app
for your phone where you just swipe through pictures
of other real people
with hopes and feelings and dreams,
and you reject them based on absolutely nothing.
It feels really good.
It's cool. It's not like a dating website.
You know, there's very little reading involved.
You're not constantly second-guessing yourself like,
"Well, they're not really my type, but...
we both love adventure," you know?
Instead, you're just like,
"Weird hat. See you in hell."
[mimics blowing on pistol]
Yeah. Mm. You know?
You can have a little, like,
tagline about yourself on there.
Most people don't bother. They just do all pictures.
You know, they're like, "Either you want it or you don't."
You know?
Which is my strategy, but, um...
I saw somebody recently.
Their tagline was, "You can't take me anywhere,
but I'm going places."
[laughing] You know, that's...
oh, that is really, um,
one way to live your life.
I think "I'm going places" is a good attitude to have.
You know, you need that to motivate you in life
or whatever, but I think it's just
a level of confidence that I am not familiar with.
You know, I want to meet somebody who's more like me.
Who's like, "Hi, uh...shit.
"Uh, I'm Chris.
"Uh...I'm sorry? I don't know, I'm gonna go.
"Just--you know. I tried, you know.
I did my best." [chuckles]
Shut up.
I've been trying to get better at sexting lately.
My current hang-up is just that I'm trying to prove
that I know what the parts are, you know?
So I'll send off a message like,
"Yeah, the clitoris.
I'm familiar." Okay, please text me back.
Sometimes I feel like it would be easier
if I were into dudes, you know?
'Cause it's like you got the same parts,
so you can just let the other guy do all the work, you know?
Somebody texts you like, "Yeah, my dick is rock hard."
And you get to be like, "Uh...same.
"Super same, dude.
Hell, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like a little bigger."
Okay, please text me back.
I, uh, I was unemployed for a while.
I was on unemployment,
and a lot of my friends were like, "Unemployment?
More like funemployment."
You know, because sometimes your friends
aren't who you want them to be.
But when you're on unemployment
it's not just like a party with free money, you know?
You really just try to not spend money
you don't actually have
and avoid thinking about your life,
you know? Which is not always that easy.
So I'd be hanging out at home,
and my mind would still wander into these places
where I'd be like, "Hey, uh, what should I do
with my entire life" you know?
Really easy stuff you can sort out in an hour or two.
And I'd be like, "Well, I didn't go to college.
Maybe I should go to college." And then I'd be like,
"Yeah, okay, I'll go to college. Yeah, cool."
And then if I do that, I mean, why stop there, you know?
I guess maybe I should, you know, do something more.
Maybe I'll go to law school or something like that--okay.
And then if I do that, I should be, like, you know,
try to help people in need,
try to help underprivileged people or something.
I'm like, "Maybe I'll just solve
all the world's problems "while I'm at it, you know?"
And then I would think, "Well, you know,
"it is kinda hard to please everybody.
"So I'm actually probably okay to keep sitting here
and not really do anything."
It's this cool loophole I found where if you--
if you aim high enough,
you actually wind up laying back down, so...
Saves a lot of time.
All right, I'm Chris Thayer. Thank you very much.