- We always hear about how important it is to say no
and the benefits of it.
Many people that I personally see as super successful
have talked openly about how important saying no
has been to that success.
Why is it so hard to say no
and how can we learn to do it properly?
As someone who struggles with this a lot,
I feel that it's hard,
and this is just my own reflection
but I'd love to hear your thoughts in those comments,
but I feel it's hard because number one,
I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings or upset them,
and/or number two, I hate conflict.
But as I was reading about this,
I learned a lot of people say yes
to many social things even if they don't have
the time or energy to do those
because they really want that connection,
they need that connection,
and they worry that if they say no once,
they won't get invited again.
I just wanted to throw that out there
because that was one that I personally haven't experienced,
but those other two, the hating conflict
and the not wanting to upset people, totally me.
I also recognize that many of us
weren't taught healthy boundaries
or even healthy conflict.
My family never fought, so I never learned
what it was really like to argue, talk things out,
and be okay with it.
It has taken me many years
and thousands of dollars in therapy
to understand that anger is okay and it's warranted.
A fight isn't a bad thing.
It doesn't mean everything is over.
It's just a chance for both people to talk about
what's going on, to express their upset,
and maybe even feel closer
and more understood as a result.
I also asked you on Instagram
to share why you struggle to say no
or how you maybe got better at it,
and you had a lot to say.
So many replies, so many things.
Many of you agreed that you say yes
so that you don't hurt anyone's feelings,
or you just don't like conflict
and you don't wanna get into a fight.
I think we kind of agree; we're on the same page.
But there are so many reasons that we can struggle
to say no.
- (sighs) All right, the phone's in airplane mode.
Notifications are off.
I can finally relax.
- Hey, Jarvis, I'm trying to get ahold of you.
I am working on this video
and I love your editing style.
I'm just having a really tough time.
Would you mind finishing it for me?
I'd need it by Tuesday.
- I've been planning to spend this weekend
focusing on my art.
- Yeah, but you're so good.
I love what you do.
If you just help me out, it would just be so great.
- Yeah, you know what, I totally got you.
- Awesome, I'll shoot it right over.
Thank you. - Awesome; cool, thanks.
(sighs)
- In reading your comments when I asked you on Instagram,
I learned that also some of us worry
what saying no could say about us.
People can judge something,
assume things that we don't want them to assume,
and that can be really hard for us to even consider.
Again, we're kind of,
like I've talked about in other videos,
we're making up stories about ourselves in situations
when we actually don't have the evidence.
But therefore we say yes because it feels like
the confident thing to do, the right thing to do
to ensure that they truly know who we are
and aren't making any of these potentially nasty
or hurtful assumptions.
- So yeah, I maxed out both credit cards,
but I think it's worth it.
- Wait, didn't you just quit your job?
- Yep, totally unemployed.
- Hey, Jarvis, I left my wallet in the car
and I was just curious if I could borrow a couple bucks
and grab a coffee real quick.
- Yeah, no, (laughs)
money, I've got loads of it.
- Oh, really? - For sure.
- [Kati] I'll pay you back.
- Don't be distracted by it.
This isn't all the money I have.
It's not, so don't worry like it is.
- Okay, thank you so much. - Enjoy your coffee.
- Sorry to interrupt; okay, thanks.
- Can I borrow five bucks?
- But I know we all came to this video
because we're here to learn how to stop doing this
so that we can say yes when we mean it
and no when we need to.
My first tip is to start small.
Start saying no to small things
that you don't really feel like doing.
We don't want our first no when we're practicing this
to be saying no to a family vacation
that our mom has been wanting to plan for decades
and is super excited about.
That could be a little more emotionally charged
than we need for at the beginning.
Let's start with telling someone we'd love to,
but we don't have time when maybe they ask us
to help them out with a project.
Get some practice under our belts
before we maybe say no to something at work,
or things that seem to be a little bit bigger of a deal.
My second tip is to work on the story we tell ourselves
about saying no.
I know that that in and of itself kinda sounds
a little bit abstract, but what I mean
is that we need to notice what stuff
we're making up in our heads about the situation.
For example, when someone asks me to do something
that I don't want to, what goes on in my head
prior to me saying yes?
It could be thoughts like, I hope that they like me,
or, I better not let them down,
or, if I just say yes, it will keep the peace.
I just don't wanna upset anybody.
Whatever it is, we have to start noticing it.
Trust me, I've been trying to do this one myself
and it takes a little bit of practice
to get the hang of it,
so don't worry if you still say yes
even though you're noticing what you're saying.
It's a process, not perfection.
My third tip is to work on our boundaries.
You knew this tip was coming.
That's because I think we all know,
whether we want to admit it or not,
that when we put someone else's needs or wants
before our own,
our boundaries have been walked all over
and we didn't really know
or feel like we had the tools to stop that.
But the good news is that just knowing
you really didn't want to do something
is a great first step.
Take some time and notice when you do things
you don't want to.
Notice how you felt in your body
or what signals your brain sent to you about it.
It could be we felt annoyed.
Maybe we wanted to cry.
Maybe we were really angry
or we just wanted to hide, shrink away.
Whatever you feel is completely okay,
but just start to notice.
Once we get better and better at noticing
when our boundaries are crossed,
then and only then can we uphold them
because we have to know where they are first.
How are we supposed to uphold something
if we don't even know where they are?
Then we can start to look back at tip one
and say some small nos.
That will keep those boundaries in place.
My fourth tip; stop explaining.
I'm guilty; I know I do this.
It can start out like, I'd really love to.
Thanks so much for thinking of me,
but I'm working on this project,
and also I have to see my grandma next weekend,
and I promised Shaun that we would go
to that live show, so I guess I just don't really
have the time right now.
Oh my God, way too much information, Kati.
They really only need to know if you can
or can't do something.
It's okay to keep it short and simple like,
thanks for thinking of me,
but unfortunately I won't be able to.
Whoa; done.
Number five; be clear and direct.
This one is hard, too, but so important,
because if we aren't clear,
we could talk ourselves right into a corner.
For example, if someone, I've done this a lot,
that's why I'm giggling, because if someone asks us
to help them out and we give them a ton of information
like that last thing I told us to try to stop doing,
stop over-explaining,
and then we end with something like,
I just don't think I can really take that on right now,
that leaves us open
to being able to take that on later.
If it wasn't happening right now,
I could totally do it.
That's that loophole we've left into it
when the real truth is we never want to do that thing.
We don't want to do it at all.
Being clear and concise can really, really help.
Instead of saying right now,
just change the statement to,
even though I'm flattered you thought of me,
I don't have the time and I can't.
Boom.
I know we can fear that we're being rude or mean
in some way, but trust me, you aren't.
You're being what's called assertive
and that's a really good thing,
because what that means is is that people know
who we are, what we can do for them,
and everyone is happy.
- No, Mom, I don't think you understand.
It's a very good jacket. - Jarvis.
- Think we'll just have to look fly as heck.
Sorry. - Jarvis.
I have this party coming up
and I think the jacket would do so,
it goes so great with my outfit,
make me look amazing.
- I'm sure it would.
I'm sure you'd look great, but I don't think
I can part with this jacket right now, Kati.
I'm sorry.
It's gonna be a no, unfortunately.
- That's okay, it's brand new.
I totally get it.
Thanks, have a good one.
I'll talk to you later. - All right, you too.
That went better than expected.
- I hope that this was helpful.
I know that I struggle a lot with this, too.
So please, if there is a tip that has helped you
get better at saying no,
leave it in those comments
because with my expertise and your experience,
and also some of my experience in this one,
we will be working towards a healthy mind
and a healthy body.
I know I've mentioned this on my Instagram before,
but I just love this quote and I had to say it
in this video; sometimes a small no
can open the door for a big and wonderful yes.
Just remember that, and know that with practice,
it will get easier.
A huge shout-out and thank you to my friend Jarvis
and Ronato for filming with me.
They are wonderful.
I will put all of Jarvis' channel information,
he's on YouTube, too,
down in the top of the description below.
Check him out; he is so smart and funny.
That's all from me.
I'll see you next time.
Bye.
(laid-back waltz music)