- You ever meet somebody that don't drink
and you look at them like
there's something wrong with them?
(audience applauds)
You actually look at them like
there's something wrong with them.
You standing there drunk as hell.
"You don't drink?
What the hell is wrong with you?
(audience laughs)
So what, you just go to sleep at night
and wake up in the same spot?
(audience laughs)
Not me, I wake up every morning,
where the hell am I?
Who is this chick?"
I love alcohol, man.
Some people call alcohol a drug, too.
Some people say that, alcohol's a drug.
Not me. I call it a vitamin.
'Cause whatever you're deficiency is,
alcohol will treat it.
You got a problem?
Problem solved. Thank you alcohol.
You go in a club. You can't dance?
Have a couple of drinks.
(audience laughs)
Problem solved.
Alcohol make you think you're in a R&B group.
First shot of tequila.
Boom, yeah!
(audience cheers)
Thank you, alcohol.
You see a girl across the room and she don't look that good?
Have a couple of drinks.
Boom, she is gorgeous.
I'ma marry her.
The alcohol man pops up all the time.
I know how to spot the alcohol man.
I'm telling you- (audience cheers)
Remember Kanye at the VMAs?
(audience cheers)
He on the red carpet, bottle of Hennessy.
He get back to his seat,
"And the award goes to Taylor Swift."
Here come the alcohol man, boop.
(audience cheers)
"You know that's messed up, right?"
"Yeah, alcohol!"
"You know Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time."
(audience cheers)
"Yeah, alcohol!"
"Well, get your ass up there and tell everybody Beyonce
had one of the best videos of all time!"
(audience cheers)
"You right, alcohol!
Yo, yo, yo, yo, Taylor,
I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish,
but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time."
(audience applauds)
The alcohol man, get you in trouble every time.
Get you in trouble every time.
I tried to give myself a week of not drinking,
I tried to give myself a week of not drinking.
Didn't make it. Got drunk last night.
Tried not to drink for a week,
'cause I threw up on a plane on the way out here.
Yeah, I was at LA, my boys were like,
"Before you go back back home,
we wanna take you out and party."
Went to the club, drank a big ass bottle of tequila.
Like not that one. That one.
Had to get on a plane two hours later,
I was on that plane messed up.
Anybody's ever been drunk and threw up?
It's the same process for everybody in here.
Everybody in here, same process.
You sitting there, you start sweating.
(audience laughs)
You start breathing heavy.
(gagging)
Alcohol man come back, start talking to you, boop.
"I know you're not gonna throw up on this plane, okay.
You a grown ass man. Watch out." (gags)
As soon as the plane landed, I was like this, bleh.
You know, it's funny, once you finished throwing up,
you feel great.
Yes!
Soon as you finish.
Soon as you finish, you're like, let's go,
we're partying, let's go.
(audience laughs)
But you know what mess you up after that?
You know what messes you up after that?
The dry heaves.
For the next 10 minutes, you're doing this,
nothing coming out.
(audience laughs)
I'm walking to baggage claim.
Everybody that saw me like, "You okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine. (gags)
I'm good. Don't worry about me, I'm fine."
(audience laughs)
See, everybody's laughing 'cause everybody's been there.
It's different for girls, though. It's different for girls.
Group of girls go out, one girl gets sick,
every girl plays a part.
One girl gets sick, every girl plays a part.
Susie start getting sick,
they rush her straight to the bathroom.
One girl stands in front of bathroom.
"You can't come in here, she's throwing up.
You can't come in here.
(audience laughs) You can't come in here,
she's throwing up."
Another girl in the stall with her, holding her hair back.
"Let it out, let it out.
Let it out. I'm here, I'm here.
Bring the car around, Kiki, bring the car around."
She come walking out the bathroom,
cold and shaking. (mimics shivering)
They put a jacket over her,
walk out like it's James Brown at the end of the concert.
(audience laughs)
Fellas, no such unity whatsoever.
You go out with your best friend. You start throwing up.
They not taking you to no bathroom.
You're going to throw up right there on the sidewalk
and they gonna stand over you laughing
'cause now you going all spectacle. (laughs)
"Yeah, that's my boy, he can't drink,
it's his birthday, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know, yeah." (audience cheers)