hi wonderful YouTube family Lisa a Romano here the life coach and I've been
asked to do a video to help those of us who are who are coming out of
narcissistic relationships and having a spiritual awakening at least that's what
I think about when I think about waking up to the idea that oh my god I've been
living this codependent life asleep to the power within disconnected from the
self unaware I had a self and I have been living my life unconscious of this
reality and that I was seeking validation outside of self that I was
people-pleasing yada yada yada yada yada and I have
children and I have inadvertently and unconsciously programmed them with
something some of my dysfunctional programming so lately which i think is
awesome so many of you are waking up and emailing me and leaving youtube messages
saying that okay I get it I've been a codependent and now I'm
looking at my children and now I understand that I have done to them some
of the things that were done to me and oh my god I'm devastated and how how can
I manage the damage at this point and so this this video is dedicated to you
specifically Maria thank you or Marie thank you so much for all of your
wonderful comments okay so let's get to
it I can offer you the advice that I've
used in my own life when I realized that the big issue for me was oh my god I'm
the adult child of two unrecovered adult children of alcoholics I come from a dry
home there was the no top rule we never asked for help we never asked for
anything we weren't allowed to talk about our feelings we always had to
monitor mom and dad's reactions the home was unpredictable I never knew when it
was going to explode and when they you know what was going to hit the fan and
so I've been raised you know in a house where you know the walls were made of
jell-o and the floors were made of eggshells and I never learned to have a
solid sense of self because I was always worried about
everything around me and when I realized that all of my adult freaking problems
being married to a covert narcissist and being so ridiculously unhappy and so
lost is clinically depressed and having panic disorder was true the root of all
that was the fact that I was co-dependent my identity was wrapped up
in how well I was able to please others oh my god oh my god what does that mean
dear ones that means if I didn't if I couldn't please my mother-in-law ex
mother-in-law thank God if I couldn't please my ex husband if I couldn't
please his sister if I couldn't please his brothers if I couldn't please these
people or my mom or my dad or my sister I had no worth if I couldn't please my
son's kindergarten teacher who by the way it was impossible to please if I
couldn't please her I had no worth I had no identity and so did I understand that
the at the time that that's why I was so freaking fragile no of course not and
that's why my life got worse and worse and worse because I had no awareness of
this I was unaware I was frickin unaware so the moment comes where I realize I'm
codependent light bulbs are going off and now more than anything I am like a
dog with the bone and I'm going to figure this crap out because this stuff
ends with me like that's it my kids will not be infected with this stuff at least
I will minimize what's been done so I began saying things to them like it is
not your responsibility to worry about mommy and daddy it's our responsibility
to worry about how you feel so how do you feel tell me what's going on at
school oh you got picked on today how did that make you feel how did the other
children react what really went what went on in your head like what was that
experience like for you Oh daddy isn't coming to pick you up today for
visitation okay so how does that make you feel
mommy it makes you feel you know makes me feel angry well you know what you
have a right to be angry be angry if my daddy didn't come for
visitation again I would be very angry so what do you want to do about it like
how do you want to how do you want to deal with this anger that you have
because dad's just not showing up for you what do you want to do I don't know
maybe we can go to the park and shoot some hoops okay let's go to the park and
shoot some hoops done so I learned to a couple of things very quickly that I was
codependent because no one checked in with me when I was a little girl I had
my brain had no concept of self because my outer world did not have any concept
of the fact that I had to self so so I realized that mice the idea of my self
needed to be turned on from outside of me mom and dad were supposed to say how
do you feel what do you think what do you want what's going on in your
head what would you like to do when you become a big girl I don't know never
happened so my brain is like a robot ting ting ting ting ting ting ting
constantly looking outside outside for clues and cues on how to exist unaware
that there is this ability within my being tada which is divine to look at
myself the third eye people it's the third eye we can look at ourselves we
now this is the this is the thing we have to understand the self has to
acknowledge the brain the brain can't acknowledge the self the brain is a
computer so that means that this concept of self which is whatever you can call
it a vibrational entity within you you can or your vibrational entity you can
call it your spirit for those of you who are agnostic and atheist call it the
self call it your innate self your your authentic self I don't care for those of
you who are okay with the term spirit spirit within it the spirit needs to
recognize the brain and then the brain is able to connect to the idea that it
has a spirit but remember the brain is just a computer that's it we have to
integrate body flesh with the brain with the self ok mind body soul mind body
self um again fast now we're talking about the kids now right so when I
realize that I was programmed as functionally because
there was no recognition of myself dear ones I knew that I had to recognize my
children's self I knew that in every way possible
I had to acknowledge how these kids felt so when they were crying I said it's
okay to cry you want to sit on Mommy's lap while you cry I gave them the idea
that feeling their feelings was absolutely normal and essential and
valid that there was nothing wrong with moping around the house because your dad
once again said he was going to come through and he didn't um when my ex my
ex-husband had a really difficult time with the divorce because I called his
bluff he never thought that I was gonna follow
through so when I put myself in his shoes I can understand why he's pissed
off doesn't mean I like it doesn't mean that I think that I deserve the chaos
city that he tried to dispel into my life doesn't mean that just means that I
can understand when I imagine myself in his shoes I can understand why he was
angry so when I was dealing with the children I would say things to them like
Daddy is angry and that's okay daddy's anger isn't our responsibility
daddy's a big boy and it's his job to take care of himself when you get you
when you get angry it's your job to take care of your feelings it's your job to
figure out a way to deal with your anger you don't stuff it you don't suppress it
and you don't kick the dog you don't go beat up your friend you don't go pick on
someone who's smaller than you in school because you're pissed off you have a
right to be pissed off because your parents got divorced you have a right to
be angry because we had to move out of this big beautiful house and now we're
living in this house that mommy's got to redo he have a right to be pissed off
about that totally valid absolutely valid but you don't have the right to
hurt other people see daddy's angry right now and he's he's saying mean
things to mommy and sometimes he says mean things to you about mommy
that's not very nice that's inappropriate that's I really wish that
daddy found a better way to express his anger
maybe daddy can go shoot some hoops maybe daddy could join a gym maybe daddy
can go talk to maybe daddy could journal maybe daddy
could pick up running maybe daddy could get a girlfriend I don't know but I
began to explain to the children that it was not their responsibility to worry
about me and their dad so when I was having a rough time there were plenty of
days where I had rough times and and you know I also understood that I had to
teach my children how to live an authentic life so when they would come
home from school and I was just stressed man taking care of three kids by
yourself as a single mom it's just not an easy task it's just there's so many
hats that you have to wear you know the water heater breaks the car breaks down
you know the the kids have fights at school they need braces they need
glasses they don't like you they hate each other they hate their life they
won't eat broccoli I mean so many think they have to go to the dentist oh my god
nitrous oxide I'm gonna pass out you gotta give my kid nitrous oxide you know
what if something happens you know grandma dies the dog dies the birds die
oh my god like you know there's Wars everybody's so many things to think
about holy crap so so there were days where it got to me where I I would just
cry I would just cry but I realized now that that is you're beings have the
ability to cry because it's like a pressure cooker you know like there's a
release valve so crying let me let off some steam so when my kids would come
into the kitchen and I'd be cut in the audience that I'd be crying and they
said to me mama you said I would say yes my was sad that's mom is sad you know
well why you said I don't know it's just it's just I wish things were different
and I'm you know wish mommy daddy had figured this out a long time ago and I
wish that therapy had worked hey that's all valid stuff I wish daddy and I got
along I wish daddy wouldn't say mean things about me to you um I wish that I
could I could make your life better I wish I could give you the things that
that you deserve but I can't right now and mommy's frustrated and she works
seven days a week and you know I'm trying to make good meals and and it's
just there's a lot of mommy's plate right now you know but I love you so
much and and I want to do a good job and and and I'm and I just I just want you
guys to be happy and I'm so sorry for any chaos
brought into your life because you know I didn't know that I was codependent and
I didn't know that you know I wasn't living my life the way I should have
been living it I should have been living it from my heart I should have listened
to my heart a long time ago and I'm just having one of those days where I have to
acknowledge how I feel like I teach you guys had it knowledge how you feel but
thank you for asking but mommy's a good girl damn big girl you know I didn't
mean good girl but I wasn't a girl mommy's mom is a big girl and you know
what she's gonna do she's gonna finish cooking dinner and then she's gonna go
upstairs and take a nice hot bath maybe light a candle maybe do some reading and
then I'm going to journal maybe exercise and I promise you I'm going to feel so
much better now there are tremendous lessons in that moms and dads tremendous
lessons the lessons are it's okay to cry the lessons are it's okay to talk about
negative feelings or it's it's okay to talk about being uncomfortable if you've
come from a dysfunctional home the message you received was it's not okay
to talk about being uncomfortable you got maple leave you happy because that's
gonna piss crazy daddy off if he knows that you're not happy we all know that
story or mom's a lunatic a narcissist of beeyotch and you got to pretend like
she's you know mother Teresa because you know the neighbors are over it's
craziness it's nonsense that's no way to live and it's the
invalidation it's the it's the it's the disconnect from the inner experience of
the child to the outer experience of the child from that space from the inner
experience the outer experience that's where we get messed up it's the the lie
that we have to live it's the the lie that we're living and no one's
validating for us that messes us up so dear ones if we understand that's what
messes us up then we know that doing the opposite is what helps keep our children
healthy so when we get a bill that we don't have the money to pay for we admit
it mommy doesn't have the money pay that bill today hmm you know what let me call
the company and see if they see if they'll accept partial payment today
there you go so we tell the truth we just tell it we tell the truth
daddy decides that he's not coming to pick the kids up because he's
yes that mommy went on a date last week we tell the truth I'm sorry guys daddy's
not coming today why he's a little upset at mommy mommy that's not fair
you're right that's not fair but we can't control daddy and we can't make
him do what we'd like him to do the only thing that we can control is
what we're going to do right here right now so who wants to go to the park fly
some kites so the message is onward forward when you're having a difficult
moment we stop as a family and we acknowledge it we validate one another
we share that space with our children say it's okay um I don't care how how
young they are I don't think there's anything wrong with using the word
codependent um you can tell a five-year-old mommy's sad because she
used to care more about what other people thought than what she thought and
now mom is learning to care about what she thinks that's called being
codependent and I don't ever want you to be codependent I want you to have your
own mind I want you to think your own thoughts and I want you to be
responsible for your own happiness so if people are upset that you don't agree
with them that's okay you can respect that they disagree with you but you can
still be okay it's not your job it's not your job to please other people it's not
your job to make sure that other people like you you just be yourself and you
will attract people into your life that like you because you like yourself
that's the way this world works so we want to do is we want to find language
that is suitable and digestible digestible for for our child's age which
whatever is age-appropriate so in a nutshell the goal is to the goal
is damage control the the sooner you start talking to your children about
this and certainly before the age of 12 because the age before the age of 12
they're still getting programmed after the age of 12 they take that program on
the road um so be careful start talking early about these terms like
codependency and and a loss of self and being disconnected from the self and
honoring the self so that's really important the second thing to remember
is that the goal is to validate the child's inner
experience very very important third thing is to make sure that your children
understand that it's it's not their job to worry about you it's your job to
worry about them the fourth thing to that I that I want to suggest is that
when your children are having a rough day
acknowledge it if one of you you if you do something wrong acknowledge it I'm
sorry immediately boom if they're if you're a
spouse to something wrong it's very very important to harness the lesson that we
can't control what Mommy does or we can't control what daddy does we can
only control what we do next um and I really think that if you just take a few
of those lessons forward that you will effectively minimize the damage that has
been created up until now dear ones it's not easy it's not easy
I think waking up to the idea that you're codependent is truly a spiritual
awakening because waking up and saying oh my god like you know I'm codependent
is like lifting the veil off and again I'm not religious dear ones leave it up
I'm not religious but I am I am very very aware of my spiritual nature and I
love the Bible because it's full of great psychology lessons it says that
when man was born a great sleep falls upon him and I think that's what we all
experience until we wake up and then we wake up we realize that we have
persecuted ourselves but we can resurrect ourselves and we we
we are our own salvation it's so awesome it's so wonderful and
it's so beautiful if you can harness the lessons dear one I want to thank you so
much for subscribing to my channel I want to thank you so much for liking my
channel I honor all of those of you who reach out to me I love coaching you I
love teaching you and I just love spreading this good news about the love
and light you dear ones namaste