-You know, lately, I've been
hearing people talk a lot about ghosting.
For those of you who don't know, ghosting is when you decide
to end a personal relationship with someone
by just stopping all communication
and then disappearing from their life with no explanation.
And apparently, it's very common.
And I'm sorry, but I gotta say,
maybe I'm just getting older, but sometimes I look around
and I don't even recognize the world I'm living in anymore.
Things are changing every day,
and, well, not always for the better.
Sometimes I like to just take a moment
and talk about how things were, well, just a bit more simple
back in my day.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Soft music plays ]
♪♪
So, people are ghostin' now, huh?
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, words had meanin'.
And if you wanted to avoid someone by ghosting,
you had to die. [ Laughter ]
It wasn't perfect, but it meant
you never had to see that weird girl Beth anymore.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we didn't have
the TV show "Stranger Things" on Netflix.
Back in my day, we had things like "E.T.," "Firestarter,"
"Goonies," "Gremlins," "Jaws," and "Stand By Me."
So, come to think of it,
we kind of did have "Stranger Things."
It was just spread out over a dozen or so different movies.
Back in my day, we didn't have 15 Democratic candidates.
We had 15 strains of polio.
[ Laughter ]
And thanks to anti-vaxxers, most of them are back.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day -- [ Applause ]
Welcome back!
Back in my day, you couldn't secretly mute people on Twitter
if you didn't want to see their tweets.
No, you had to man up and unfollow them.
And then, when they asked you, "Why did you unfollow me?"
you had to lie and say, "Well, my finger must have slipped."
[ Laughter ]
Then, you could never unfollow them again,
no matter how many times they posted
about their IBS complications. [ Dog barks ]
"Oh, uh, did I unfollow you, Rusty?
I-I'm sorry. My finger must have slipped."
[ Dog barks ]
"Well, I'm sorry. Stop posting so often!
Nobody cares that you got a new bandanna."
[ Laughter ]
[ Dog growls ]
[ Laughter ]
Back in mine, we didn't have wireless Apple iPods -- AirPods.
We had wired Apple earbuds,
and you didn't lose them, you threw them away
'cause they were tangled in a rat king
of thousands of other cables of who knows what.
And it was honestly easier just to chuck out
$500 in wires and start over.
[ Laughter ]
And speaking of Apple, back in my day,
The headphone jack and the charging port
on your iPhone weren't the same hole.
They were two separate holes... [ Light laughter ]
...as God intended. [ Laughter and applause ]
And you know what?
If you tried
to put your headphones or your charging cable
in the wrong hole, your iPhone just gave you a look
like, "Nice try, you naughty little boy."
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we weren't getting rid of straws
because they were bad for the environment.
Back in my day, we used straws every single day.
We were happy.
probably 'cause we were using them to snort cocaine.
[ Laughter ]
Thanks, straws, and thank you, cocaine.
Hey, remember that time you saw me do cocaine, Rusty?
[ Dog barks ]
What was that impression you have of me on cocaine?
[ Barking rapidly ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Barking stops ]
[ Dog growls ]
[ Light laughter ]
Back in my day, we didn't have an Elton John biopic.
Back in my day, we had a Freddie Mercury biopic.
And even though it was just meh, it won a bunch of Oscars.
So I guess that's why we now have an Elton John biopic.
[ Dog barks ]
Who would star in my biopic? I don't know, Rusty.
Maybe, uh, Matthew McConaughey? [ Dog barks ]
Tilda Swinton?! [ Dog whimpers ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Back in my day, people weren't getting canceled
for the awful things they did and said.
They were getting promoted at Fox News
for the awful things they did and said.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we didn't have March Madness.
We had March sadness.
That was when Uncle Ron would come back from rehab,
claiming he was sober now.
We all knew he was still on the sauce,
'cause his shirt was buttoned all wrong.
And he's say something like,
"I don't touch the stuff anymore,
but I think one drink on Saint Patrick's Day
wouldn't hurt anyone," but he was wrong.
It hurt everyone.
But most especially, it hurt our neighbor Tim,
who Uncle Ron shoved off the porch
after shouting, "Eat concrete, college boy."
Well, I'm sorry I had to do that,
but sometimes this grizzled old grumpus
has got to grease his gullet with some grouchin'.
This has been "Back In My Day."