I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS THIS
AFTERNOON WHILE WAITING FOR THE SHOW TO START, BUT THIS CAMPAIGN
HAS BEEN UNUSUAL FROM THE START, BUT TODAY IT JUMPED THE Z.-TRAIN
TO WEERDZVILLE, BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP WENT TO MEXICO.
QUICK, BUILD THE WALL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL PAY FOR IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE DEAL.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
TRUMP WAS INVITED TO MEXICO BY THEIR PRESIDENT ENRIQUE PENA
NIETO, WHICH IS A LITTLE STRANGE SINCE NIETO HAS PREVIOUSLY
COMPARED TRUMP TO HITLER AND MUSSOLINI, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY
THE INVITATION ASKED TRUMP TO CHOOSE CHICKEN, FISH, HITLER OR
MUSSOLINI.
NOW, THE TWO MEN MET IN PRIVATE, BUT WE AT "THE LATE SHOW"" HAVE
OBTAINED EXCLUSIVE DPOOTAGE OF THEIR SUMMIT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ROUGH STUFF, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S WHAT
TRUMP GETS FOR SLEEPING WITH PENA NIETO'S LOVER WHILE HE WAS
IN A COMA.
NOW, I AM SURPRISED REALLY THAT TRUMP WOULD GO SOMEPLACE SO
DANGEROUS.
AND I DON'T MEAN THE DRUG GANGS.
I MEAN PEOPLE DOWN THERE LOVE HITTING TRUMP-SHAPED PINATAS,
AND THIS WAS THEIR CHANCE TO FIND OUT IF HE IS ACTUALLY FULL
OF CANDY.
NOW HERE IS THE CRAZY THING ABOUT THIS TRIP: TRUMP LOOKED
--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, HERE'S THE DEAL-- THERE
HE WAS, THERE'S THE PODIUM AND ANOTHER PRESIDENT,
AND "A" EQUALS "B" EQUALS SI, SI, SENOR.
YOU CAN REALLY IMAGINE HIM DOING THAT AGAIN BUT, LIKE, WITH THE
TRAINING WHEELS OFF.
THE BIG BOY PANTS.
THE LAUNCH CODES.
I MEAN, THE WHOLE WORLD SAW HIM DOING SOMETHING HE'S NEVER DONE
BEFORE-- STAY QUIET WHILE SOMEONE ELSE WAS TALKING.
AND THE WHOLE THING CHANGED THE WAY YOU LOOK AT TRUMP.
BUT THANKFULLY, IT DIDN'T CHANGE THE WAY YOU HEAR HIM.
>> I HAVE MANY FRIENDS, SO MANY FRIENDS, AND SO MANY FRIENDS
COMING TO MEXICO AND IN MEXICO.
I AM PROUD TO SAY HOW MANY PEOPLE I EMPLOY.
AND THE UNITED STATES, FIRST-, SECOND-, AND THIRD-GENERATION
MEXICANS ARE JUST BEYOND REPROACH.
>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP IS A BIG FAN OF SECOND- AND THIRD-
GENERATION MEXICANS.
OR, AS THEY'RE KNOWN IN AMERICA, "AMERICANS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Jon: AMERICANS.
>> Stephen: AND AT THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, TRUMP OUTLINED A
NUMBER OF SPECIFIC POLICY GOALS.
>> IMPROVING NAFTA, NUMBER FOUR.
NAFTA IS A 22-YEAR-OLD AGREEMENT THAT MUST BE UPDATED TO REFLECT
THE REALITIES OF TODAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
NAFTA IS SO OLD, TRUMP WOULDN'T EVEN DATE HER.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTERWARDS, A REPORTER ASKED IF
THE TWO DISCUSSED THE BORDER WALL.
>> WE DID DISCUSS THE WALL.
WE DID NOT DISCUSS PAYMENT OF THE WALL.
THAT'LL BE FOR A LATER DATE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT HE'S SAID FROM THE BEGINNING:
"WE'RE GOING TO BUILD A WALL, AND WE'RE GOING TO MAKE MEXICO
DISCUSS WHO PAYS FOR IT AT A LATER DATE!"
NOW, THIS WAS EXCELLENT OPTICS FOR THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
I CANNOT IMAGINE THE CLINTON FOLKS ARE HAPPY ABOUT THIS.
IN FACT, I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE THE OFFICIAL RESPONSE FROM
HILLARY CLINTON.
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )