- I MIGHT THROW UP.
- YOU THINK? - WELL, NO.
I ACTUALLY DIDN'T EVEN DRINK THAT MUCH.
JUST TWO BOTTLES, BUT THEN
BEFORE I CAME, I HAD THREE DRINKS.
[burps, clears throat]
HELLO. [laughs]
TODAY WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT EDITH WILSON,
THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
WOODROW WILSON WAS THE PRESIDENT OF--OF AMERICA.
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
EDITH [bleep] WILSON WAS THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT'S WIFE.
WHEN HER HUSBAND'S AT WORK,
SHE'S LIKE, WHAT DO I DO? I GOTTA THINK OF [bleep].
IT'S WORLD WAR I RIGHT NOW, SO LET'S RATION.
SHE'S LIKE, DON'T EAT MEAT ON MONDAYS.
DON'T EAT THE GAS ON SUNDAYS... WITH THE CAR.
AND THEN DON'T GET AN STD, SHE SAID TO THE SOLDIERS.
WRAP IT UP. WRAP YOUR DICK UP.
SO, WOODROW WILSON, HE HAD 18 MONTHS LEFT IN OFFICE,
AND HE HAS A [bleep] STROKE.
HIS DOCTOR WAS LIKE,
UH, WOODROW WILSON HAS HAD A STROKE, A BIG STROKE.
LIKE, WE CAN'T MOVE, Y'ALL, STROKE.
SO WHAT YOU GON' DO?
AND EDITH WAS LIKE, WELL, WHO I LOVE IS THIS MAN.
FOR WHO HE IS, AND WHO HE IS
IS A GUY WHO WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT
FOR SOME [bleep] REASON.
SO IF I DON'T--
JUST IGNORE THAT.
IF I DON'T-- JUST IGNORE THAT.
IF I DON'T HELP HIM BE PRESIDENT,
WHAT A KIND OF WIFE AM I?
THE DOCTOR'S LIKE, UH...
YOU GOT TO RUN THE [bleep] COUNTRY
'CAUSE THIS GUY'S OUT FOR THE COUNT.
SO EDITH WAS LIKE, NO PROBLEM. I GOT THIS.
SHUT UP. SIT DOWN.
I AM IN CHARGE NOW.
CAN I GET MY CHEESY BREAD I BROUGHT?
- YOUR WHAT?
- CHEESY BREAD THAT I BROUGHT.
- CAN WE FINISH THIS PART? - WHAT PART?
- THE PART THAT WE WANT TO DO.
- [whimpers] MY CHEESY BREAD.
- WE'RE STILL DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT. WELL--
- I DON'T WANT THE BREAD ANYMORE.
- [laughs]
- SO EDITH WILSON TOLD AMERICA,
HEY, GUYS. [claps]
EXCUSE ME.
MY HUSBAND, THE PRESIDENT--
HE'S VERY TIRED,
AND HE WILL BE RESTING.
HE'S VERY TIRED, SO HE NEEDS TO REST.
BUT AT THIS POINT, THE CONGRESS WAS LIKE,
THE PRESIDENT HASN'T COME OUTSIDE IN A COUPLE WEEKS.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
AND SO THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR, LIKE, 'SCUSE ME!
IT'S ME, CONGRESS.
WE'RE HAVING A FEELING THAT--
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE FEELING,
BUT CAN YOU TALK TO US?
AND SHE'S LIKE, NO, HE'S JUST SUPER TIRED.
HE HAS EXHAUSTION. LIKE, DON'T BOTHER HIM.
GET OUT OF HERE, CONGRESS.
AND THAT ACTUALLY QUIETED PEOPLE.
IT ACTUALLY QUIETED THE CONGRESS.
AND SHE EVEN WENT TO CONGRESS
AND WAS LIKE, HEY, NO BIG DEAL.
I'M GIVING HIM EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING, CONGRESS.
I'M GIVING HIM ALL THE LETTERS AND OTHER THINGS.
SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK OF THIS RULE
OR A LAW OR THING THAT WE'RE WORKING ON?
AND THEY'D BE LIKE, WHATEVER, WE THINK THIS.
AND THEN SHE'D BRING IT TO WOODROW WHO WAS LIKE,
HALF AWAKE, AND SHE'D BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, CONGRESS IS LIKE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AND HE'D BE LIKE... [mumbles indistinctly]
AND SHE WAS LIKE, WELL, I GUESS I'LL COMPROMISE.
I'M JUST GONNA [bleep] MAKE THE DECI--
[stammers]
MAKE THE DECISIONS MYSELF.
SO BASICALLY, EDITH WILSON WAS THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT.
SHE RAN MEMOS BETWEEN CONGRESS AND HIM.
CONGRESS IS LIKE, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
SO CONGRESS PICKED THIS ONE REPUBLICAN SENATOR, ALBERT FALL.
THEY'RE LIKE, ALBERT, GO SEE WHAT HIS TRUE CONDITION IS.
GO SEE WHAT WILSON'S TRUE CONDITION IS.
SO ALBERT FALL SHOWS UP.
HE'S LIKE, CAN WE COME IN AND SEE THE TRUE CONDITION?
SHE'S NOT [bleep] STUPID. SHE'S LIKE YEAH, SURE.
COME ON IN.
SO ALBERT FALL COMES IN.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
IT WAS LIKE, YEP, HE'S NOT--THIS IS HIM.
MAKING DECISIONS EVERY DAY,
AND NOT I--TAKE THE-- THANK YOU, HONEY.
AND I TAKE THE-- THE PAPERS FROM HIM
THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND 'CAUSE I'M JUST SOME DUMB BROAD.
AND EDITH JUST PROPPED UP WOODROW IN BED.
LIKE, WAVING, LIKE HEY.
AND THEY'RE LIKE, OH, OKAY. COOL.
AND SHE'S LIKE, BYE. AND THEN THEY LEAVE.
THAT'S HOW DUMB GOVERNMENT IS.
WE HAD A WOMAN [bleep] RUNNING THIS COUNTRY,
AND GUESS WHAT?
YOU COULD GO, NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED,
BUT I CAN GO, NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.
9/11 DIDN'T HAPPEN ON HER WATCH.
DISNEYLAND WITH JOHNNY DEPP AT THE ANI--
THE--HO--THE HAUNTED MANSION THAT'S ALL TIM BURTON--
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN ON HER WATCH.
CHRISTMAS AND HALLOWEEN COMBINED,
A LOT OF THINGS--
- [chuckles]
- BASICALLY EVERYONE AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE, WHERE IS THE PRESIDENT?
WHERE IS OUR BOSS?
WHO EVER IN THE NAME OF GOD IS LIKE,
"OUR BOSS IS MISSING. WE CAN'T WAIT TO GET HIM BACK"?
NOBODY!
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THEY BOSS.
OW! OW.
SO SHE LITERALLY IS LIKE, I CAN FEEL THE HEAT ON ME.
I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL SET UP A PHOTOSHOOT,
'CAUSE THEY CAN SENSE AMERICA
BREATHING DOWN THEIR NECK,
AND THEY PROP UP WOODROW WILSON
IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
SO HE'S, LIKE, SITTING THERE,
AND THEY, LIKE, MOVE HIS ARM,
AND THEN THEY JUST RELEASE THAT TO THE PRESS,
AND THAT'S HOW DUMB PEOPLE WERE BACK THEN.
THEY'RE LIKE, OH, THERE'S THE PRESIDENT
SITTING THERE SIGNING A DOCUMENT.
WHAT THE HECK WERE WE WORRIED ABOUT?
HE SEEMS TO BE ALL AT WORK AND [bleep].
SO THAT'S ALL FINE.
THAT'S HOW SHE RAN THE COUNTRY.
THAT'S A GOOD STORY.
- THIS IS OUR--
- CAN I JUST GET BACK UP? - WATCH YOUR HEAD.
HUH? - CAN I JUST GET BACK UP?
- YEAH.
- BUT IT'S NOT ON THE SHOW.
- WHAT? - ANYTHING.
WHEN DOES IT START FILMING?
AND SHE WAS LIKE, YEAH,
I LITERALLY SIGNED EVERY DOCUMENT,
I LITERALLY HEARD EVERY ARGUMENT,
I LITERALLY WROTE EVERY PIECE OF [bleep] PAPER,
I LITERALLY RAN THE [bleep] COUNTRY.
WELL, I WANNA SAY ONE THING ABOUT HER.
- YES, MA'AM. - SHE'S NOT A HERO.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S NOT A HERO.
DOES THAT UNDERSTAND YOU COMPLICATED?
- MM-HMM.
- [stammering] MAKE SENSE TO YOU?