Do you want to know how to teach a kid not to hit? Well, I'm Nicholeen Peck, and I am the founder
of teaching self-government. Which is a parenting program that teaches children
and parents self-government. In this video, we're going to teach you how to teach a kid not to hit.
So hitting can happen at any age and I am fully aware of that. But it is most likely to happen
when children are little. It does seem like as they get older they start developing other ways
of trying to power struggle or control situations. But regardless of if you have an older child or a
younger child who is hitting. The things that I'm going to be sharing in this video will definitely help.
So let's think about why a person hits? I think that's an important place for us to start.
A person hits because they don't feel understood usually or maybe they don't know a line they
should cross. Now, you might be thinking, "Oh, my child definitely knows there's a line they shouldn't cross.
We've talked about not hitting before and it just keeps happening". But maybe they don't have
another skill to replace that behavior. Because if you're going to remove a troublesome behavior.
You do need to replace it with a new skill. So, let's talk about some of the skills that we can
use to replace that hitting behavior that will help a person be understood. Maybe even get their
way more often and not feel so inclined to power struggle in aggressive ways. The first skill that
is really helpful for a child to know is one of the 4 basic skills that I teach in my teaching
self-government parenting course. One of those 4 basic skills that is vital for conquering hitting
is being able to accept a "no" answer, any boundary that a person has. So maybe, not eating a certain food,
not touching a certain person or any person for that matter. All of those kinds of boundary
lines that we shouldn't cross are all no answers. The line that shouldn't be crossed is the no.
If you cross over it you're not accepting a "no" answer. So, how do you accept a "no" answer? There are 4
steps to accepting a "no" answer. You look at the person, keep a calm face voice and body, say "okay"
or ask to disagree appropriately, and then drop the subject. So the person that you're about to hit
doesn't usually tell you, "No, don't hit me". But if a parent has already told you no don't cross that line,
don't hit that other person. Then basically, how it works is this, the child gets that feeling
like they want to hit somebody. So that is hearing the no really because it's hearing, "Oh, I want to
do this", but then they say, "Should I?", The answer is "no". So then, they have to look at that situation,
which is like looking at the person. Keep a calm face, voice and body and they need to say "Okay, I'm not
going to hit", and then drop the subject. Now, that's the hard part, that means don't be angry.
Don't keep the emotions fueling, instead choose to be calm and stay calm. Choose to think clearly
and have a real conversation as opposed to choosing to get upset. So what about that real
conversation that a person is supposed to have instead? Well I have a skill for that too that skill
is called, disagreeing appropriately. If a person disagrees appropriately, they look at the
person or situation, keep a calm face voice and body, say that they understand the other person's
point of view or where they're coming from, and then share their point of view in a calm way.
Listen to what the other person says or basically see how their communication landed with the other
person and then just say "okay", and drop the subject. After you've disagreed appropriately there really
is no need to push any further. After disagreeing appropriately, if someone doesn't agree with you
whether you feel like they should or not. You can't force them to agree with you,
so it's better to just drop the subject and move on. And if you have to still carry on and do something,
by yourself because you feel you must. Then you do that without involving the other person. So let's
spend a little bit of time with disagreeing appropriately. Disagreeing appropriately is
also one of those 4 basic skills that I teach. This skill is usually a child's favorite skill
because it helps them be understood. When a person feels like they're not understood. Someone doesn't
know where they're coming from or what frustration they might have. That's when they decide to hit
instead of using their words. But what if they knew exactly the format and the words to use to be
understood. Then they would stop going to that emotional part of the brain which is in the middle,
and they would engage the prefrontal cortex. Which helps them communicate fully and solve
their problems. So it would sound like this, maybe my brother's name is Sam, "Sam, I'm going to disagree appropriately".
Now, Sam also knows the skill, so he knows exactly what I'm going to do and he's
ready for it. "Sam, I know you want to have that toy that I was playing with and that's why you took it.
But actually, that's my toy and I'm not done using it yet. So I need you to give me that toy back, okay".
And if sam says, "no", then at that point there has to be something else the child is trained to do.
Which hopefully is to go get mom and dad to help sort out the situation. Or they just choose to drop the
subject because maybe they go it's a toy it's no big deal. Now, Sam shouldn't be taking things that
don't belong to him. But it's even worse for a person to decide that that's cause to hit
another person. Sam needs some training, mom and dad are the best ones to do the training if a disagree
appropriately interaction does not work But if mom and dad have done their training. Well then, Sam
and I both know that disagreeing appropriately is the way that we show each other we would rather
talk about things than get violent and hit. So, I would probably say that to Sam, and Sam would say,
"Okay, but can I have a turn when you're done?", and then it would all be solved. Having a skill
like disagreeing appropriately helps a person stay in the prefrontal cortex of their brain,
instead of the emotional part of their brain. When a person is in a position where they want
to hit they are an emotional part of their brain. In fact, their thinking functions are very low.
But if we can move them with a skill to the prefrontal cortex the front part of the brain.
Then that person has a greater opportunity to solve their problem
and to feel confident about the fact that they stayed calm and mature the whole time
during that interaction. Before I get to my next point, if this video is helpful for you,
click that subscribe button. Because I come up with these videos all the time and a new one comes out
every day. So you could see the other types of teaching self-government videos that might be
helpful for you, click subscribe. The next thing that's vital for stopping children from hitting
other people is making sure that you actually do corrections and assessments of what their behavior is.
So when they choose to communicate well then assess that and give them praise. When they choose
not to communicate well which means they're using fists or hands, or other things, and they're hitting
and being aggressive. Then make sure that you also analyze that with them, and they get the
opportunity to go through a corrective teaching with you, and to earn a negative consequence.
So, in the teaching self-government parenting program. There is a process it's a 7 step process that
we go through for correcting behaviors. When a parent has the skills they need to calmly correct
their children and they are really diligent about being watchful. So that most of the interactions
that the child has when they are not behaving well do get corrected. Then that consistency helps the
child choose not to have that hidden behavior in the future. My oldest child was a hitter and
I wondered how I was going to solve this problem. He was 2 and 3 years old and he was hitting
other people. We talked about soft touch, I tried to help him know that this was not a good thing.
Even though those efforts were good they didn't conquer the problem. So, what I did was I taught
him new skills. When I started teaching him how to disagree appropriately and how to accept no
answers even at that little age of 2 and 3 years old that changed everything.
He started being calm, he started communicating, instead of just reaching out and touching someone
in a negative way. These skills that we've been talking about are part of the formula for how
to help a person develop self-government or self-control. I have so many other things that
I could teach you on that subject. In fact, if you have liked this video I'm pretty sure you're going
to love the next video which is, how to teach self-control to a child. Click on that link now,
and you will learn more about self-control that will make big changes at your house.