- Hey guys! Tessa here and I'm here with-
- Brizzy!
- And- - Christine!
- Yay! - Hi!
We're back together again
on the Ravenclaw couch. - Whoo! Ca-kaw!
- Ca-kaw, ca-kaw!
- Caw!
- Ravenclaws are back together in the Common Room.
- It kind of also looks like a dinosaur...
- AKA, Christine's face.
(Christine laughs)
- Okay, guys.
Today we are going to be playing
a fun game that Brizzy and I play
a lot on our podcast, 'Fantastic Geeks,'
and that is 'Kiss, Marry--
- [Brizzy And Tessa] Crucio!
- Kiss, Marry, Crucio.
It's like the game 'Kiss, Marry, Kill,'
except we're not killing, we're just torturing-
- Oh, my God.
- Just a little bit. - We're torturing.
I'm just going to hurt you. - Just a little bit-
- Zzz! And you're done. - Yeah.
- It's not like Game of Thrones
with Theon-- - No.
No, it's like touching, like
a zapper - It's levels down
ball-- (Christine laughs)
You just get zapped. (Christine and Brizzy laugh)
Zip, zap, zop.
How we're going to be playing this game
is I have Christine's magical hat,
and on the inside I've written
all of these Harry Potter characters.
So we are going to pick three, and then
we're going to decide which ones
we want kiss, marry-- - So, how does--
How does it work?
Do we each, like, pick three ourselves
or do we all do the same three that we pick?
- I think we're all just going to pick one,
and then we're all going to say our answers.
- Got you. - Yeah.
It's interesting, we've never done it this way
with, like, the random, we've usually, like,
put together sets before. - Yeah.
- I like the random.
This is more fun. - I know.
So, this is more, like,
what's going to happen?
Let's pick one, guys.
- This will be very interesting.
Oh, we're all picking one, okay.
- Let's do it.
- You read first.
- Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Arthur Weasley.
- Snape.
- Seamus Finnegan.
- [Christine And Tessa] Okay.
- Well, I know who I'm Crucio-ing.
- Who are you Crucio-ing?
- 'Snahp-pay.'
(Brizzy and Tessa laugh)
- That bitch getting Crucio-ed.
- Same.
- I just think of Joe when I think
of Snape, so I have to, like, think of them separately.
Okay, character Snape, yes.
- Yeah.
Kissing, Arthur.
Marrying Seamus.
- Yeah.
Even though he might blow up our house
I'll still marry Seamus. - Yeah, it's a risk.
- I want to marry Arthur
and show him the Muggle world.
- Arthur's old.
- I want to marry him and be like,
♪ I can show you the world. ♪
- But, what about Molly?
She's going to be very betrayed.
- True.
- I didn't know Molly existed in this universe.
I thought I could just, like, marry him.
Maybe I'm Molly now.
I'll have all these Weasley babies.
- Okay, that's a lot of babies.
- Yeah. - That is a lot
of babies, but they're all prefects, so--
- Except for our neighbors, Fred and George.
- Alright, so I'm going to marry Arthur.
You guys are both marrying--
you guys both have the same answer.
- Yeah. - We're sharing Seamus.
- That's okay.
You can share Seamus.
I'll kiss Seamus, and that's why
he first blows up; that's his origin story. (laughs)
- And you blow up with him.
And then he heals you back to life.
- Wingardium Leviosa.
- Accio.
- Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Sirius Black.
- Slughorn.
- Luna.
(all gasp)
- Well, I'm going to Crucio Slughorn.
(Tessa laughs)
You shouldn't have told Voldemort about those Horcruxes.
(Tessa laughs)
- And you're just a couch, like, what?
I'm going to be, like-- - A couch?
- if I was married to him, I'd be, like,
'Where are you?
'You need to do the dishes.'
And he'd just be a couch, and I'd be, like,
'I know it's you.'
- I can see you. (Tessa laughs)
You do this every night.
- I'll kiss Luna, and then I'll marry Sirius Black.
- Ahh.
- Marrying Luna, kissing Sirius.
- Who do I want to marry?
Do I want to marry Luna or do I want to marry--
- Luna's just a little too off the walls sometimes.
I feel like I'd be like, 'Oh, I don't know.'
- I kind of want to marry Sirius,
but only if I can be an Animagus--
- And Sirius is like that sexy--
- What if I'm not an Animagus,
and he turns into a dog and just goes
on this dog adventure.
- He can teach you.
You can spend years being taught by a professional.
- You have so much time to learn.
- Alright, okay then.
I'm going to marry Sirius,
And we're going to have a plan to go on a dog adventure.
We're going to do--
- I want to go on a dog adventure, too,
with my husband, Sirius. - 'Homeward Bound.'
I'm going to be a poodle.
- Yeah, we can both be dogs--
- What kind of dog would turn into?
- I'm guessing, like, a Yorkie.
- Okay, that's cute.
- They're yappy, and small,
and annoying, but sweet, if you know one personally.
(Tessa laughs)
Next character.
- Accio paper.
- Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Goyle.
- Flitwick.
- Vernon?
(all scream)
- Okay, Vernon, Flitwick, and what did you have?
- Goyle!? - Goyle.
- Eww. - Oh, God.
- This is hard. - Oh, God, oh, God.
- Well, I'm marrying Flitwick.
- [Christine And Brizzy] Yeah, me too.
- We're all going to marry Flitwick,
because, like, the other options are not good.
- I think Vernon's going to get Crucio-ed by me.
- You're going to kiss Goyle?
- I guess.
I'm not kissing Vernon. - Yeah.
I think I'd rather kiss Goyle than Vernon.
- Vernon has that mustache. - Eww.
- Vernon's an ass-face.
- Yeah, like, what's going to be in that mustache?
I don't think I would kiss him - Eww.
And find out. - He's going to be mean.
- And he has no neck.
- I'll get, like, a cupcake
and put it between me and Goyle.
(Tessa and Brizzy laugh)
- You both kiss the cupcake?
- We're not actually touching; we're kissing cupcake.
- Kissing cupcake sounds good.
- You can do that with Vernon.
- I'll just get the cupcake,
but then his mustache will get in the cupcake.
- Eww!
- And then you'll have to see it all mushy--
and the frosting. - Ahh! Eww!
And he'll eat those biscuits.
I just, like-- - Yuck.
- Why are we envisioning this?
(Tessa and Christine laugh)
- Are we marrying old Flitwick,
or like, young, cool Flitwick?
- Like third movie Flitwick?
- Yeah.
(all laugh)
- I thought third movie Flitwick.
- Oh, I want old Flitwick.
I much prefer older Flitwick.
Younger Flitwick was weird.
- Older Flitwick was also weird.
- No, but he was, like, wizardly.
- He was like Dumbledore.
- Yeah!
He was like Dumbledore has a beard, I want one, too.
(all laugh)
- Dumbledore's got style.
- Shave it off.
- No, young Flitwick, for sure.
- Yeah.
- Well, I'll take the older one.
Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Hermione Granger.
- Hagrid.
- Buckbeak. - Eww.
(all laugh)
- Well, with Buckbeak,
I could give him, like, a little kiss,
like, on the beak, or on, like, his cheek.
Like, it doesn't have to be like
you're making out with Buckbeak.
- I'm not going to Crucio
Hagrid or Hermione.
- You're going to Crucio Buckbeak?
- Uh, you're going to Crucio Hermione?
- She's already been through this.
- I know, but she could also take it.
- Uh, I'm marrying Hermione Granger.
My favorite. My lady. - Yeah, that's true.
- Maybe I'll marry Hagrid,
and we'll live together in the swamp.
(all laugh)
- In the swamp?
- Are you marrying Shrek?
- What swamp?
- I think of Hagrid and Shrek on the same level.
- Hagrid and Shrek.
He's like the Shrek of Harry Potter.
- He's like, 'What are you doing in my swamp, Harry?'
(all laugh)
- I'll kiss Hagrid.
- I'm going to Crucio Hagrid because Shrek can take it.
- [Tessa And Christine] Ohh.
- He's bigger than everyone else.
- But he's like - He is big.
- A little, cuddly, big teddy bear.
- I know.
- Maybe the Crucio wouldn't hurt as hard.
- He's hearty.
I'm going to marry Hagrid, I'm going to kiss
Hermione, and I'm going to Crucio Buckbeak.
I'm sorry, Buckbeak. - Me, too.
- Buckbeak is strong. He's been through a lot.
- And I'll kiss Buckbeak's boo-boos
and make him all better. - Yeah.
Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Trelawney.
- Voldemort. - Oh, shit.
- Neville. - Ooh.
- I'm marrying Neville.
- It's hot Neville, I'm guessing.
(all laugh)
- Well, Neville has got to be of age, so yes, he's hot.
- Yes, that is true.
- Kiss Trelawney, marry Neville,
Cruciooo Tom--
- You mean, Voldemort. Don't call me Tom.
- If it's like, Tom Riddle, I'll marry him.
- I hate that guy.
- Ooh, I love him.
I'm talking about, like, young Tom Riddle
in 'Chamber of Secrets.'
- You mean Tom Riddle, Jr.
- When he's hot.
- What if they called him 'Junior?'
- Okay, I'm going to marry Trelawney,
and I'm going-- - Wow, a twist.
- Who was yours? - Neville.
- I'm going to kiss Neville,
and I'm going to Crucio Voldemort.
- Wow. - Maybe I'll kiss
Trelawney and be like, 'Tell me my future.'
- I wonder if there is a psychic out there that,
like, reads your future based on how you kiss.
- It sounds like a scam.
- It does! It sounds like
they just want to get kissed. - A creepy scam.
- It's some guy and it says, like, 'Kisses.'
- Kisses for your future.
- And you kiss him and he's like,
'You're going to be lucky tonight... with me.'
(all laugh)
- Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Umbridge.
- Dobby.
- Hedwig.
(all gasp)
- No!
- I'm definitely marrying Dobby.
- I thought you were going to say Umbridge,
and I was like, what?
- Umbridge is getting the 'Crucsh.'
- Oh, we're all Crucio-ing Umbridge.
- Yeah. - Because she deserves that.
- All at the same time.
- All together, all together now.
Crucio.
- I'm gonna marry Hedwig.
- Aww. - Cute, bird marriage.
- Hedwig or Dobby, who are you marrying and kissing?
- Obviously, I'm marrying Dobby.
He's my favorite.
- You're going to marry Dobby?
Do I want to marry Dobby or Hedwig?
I guess I have to marry Dobby, because
I was just, like, turned into Dobby,
so I- I got that, like-- - Yeah.
- That was so scary.
It took me like, four times, seeing
that picture to realize that it
was you and not a painting.
I was like, I don't get it, I don't get it.
I don't get it, I don't get it.
(Tessa and Brizzy laugh)
Help.
- I don't get it, I don't get it.
- That's like, a Ravenclaw's worst nightmare.
- Yeah, it's so entirely a Ravenclaw thing.
- Does not understand.
Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Percy.
- Rita Skeeter.
- Lucius.
- [Christine And Tessa] Ooh.
- This one's hard.
- Lucius has that sexy hair.
- Lucius does have that nice hair.
I need to know-- - Marrying Lucius
for his money.
- Oh, yikes.
(all laugh)
- I might have to Crucio
Rita Skeeter, because I hate her so much.
- Yeah, she's the worst.
- She really is the worst.
- She's just stirring that 'goss.'
- In like a casual, mild, worse way.
- I think that I would marry
Percy, and I would, like, join the Weasleys.
- Oh, yeah, that would be fun.
- Percy's such a perfect arse.
- I know, but, like, I can handle
an asshole. - Oh, he has a perfect arse?
I'd probably rather marry Percy,
but I'm not going to change my answer.
- Oh, I guess I have to marry
Percy, too, even though he's so annoying.
But his name is like Percy Jackson,
and I like Percy Jackson. (Brizzy and Tessa laugh)
- You're marrying him for his name?
I feel like I would definitely date Lucius
when I'm, like, in school.
- Yeah, yeah. He could be the kiss.
I'll play with his hair, and then
I'll secretly cut it while he's sleeping.
(all laugh)
- It's his punishment.
- And then he would break up with you
for cutting his hair while he's sleeping.
- That's why it's just a kiss.
- That's why he's not marrying you.
And then we're just going to all Crucio Rita Skeeter.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
- She's the worst.
- Oh, no.
- Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Fred.
- Firenze.
- Dementor.
(all laugh)
- Don't get kissed by a Dementor.
- Be a dark kiss, that would.
- Maybe you've got to marry him?
(all laugh)
- You become the Dementor queen?
I'm going to marry the Dementor,
and be the Dementor queen of darkness.
- You get this, like, really cool cloak.
- You'd never be happy again.
- I'm definitely going to marry Fred.
- You're going to marry Fred?
- Yeah.
- Who are you going to Crucio?
Firenze?
- Well, yeah.
Not kissing the Dementor.
- Oh, right.
So you're kissing Firenze.
- Kissing 'Firenzé.'
- I'm going to kiss Fred.
I love Fred.
I should probably marry Fred,
but I'm already Queen of the Dementors.
- You're a taken woman.
- I'm already taken by Dementor.
I'd have to have a really strong Patronus
to be married to a Dementor.
- Uh, yeah.
Would that be torturous to him?
- I don't know.
I don't know if it's possible--
- Might be a rough spot in your marriage.
- Ah, yeah.
- It's like, it's like Edward Cullen.
It hurts to be next to you, but it's worth it.
(all groan)
- Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Bellatrix Lestrange.
- Draco Malfoy.
- Bloody Baron.
- Oh, wow.
Three dark people.
- Darkness, so edgy.
- I think I'd want to, like,
date Bellatrix in my wild stage of college.
(Tessa laughs)
I really love her hair.
- In my wild stage of college.
Oh, my God.
I feel like I have to marry Draco
because of my hair.
I'd fit right in with the family.
- I feel like I'd marry Draco
because I'm not marrying the Bloody Baron.
(all laugh)
- Marrying Bellatrix would be fun, though.
You'd just be, like, murder friends.
- I'd be afraid of her.
- Yeah. - Yeah, marry Draco,
kiss Bellatrix, Crucio the Bloody Baron
for frickin' killing Helena for rejecting him.
Like wow. - I know.
Talk about a loser. - Way to not be able
to take no for an answer.
- I want Draco to be like Draco
in the Potter musical.
- Like Lauren Lopez?
- Yeah, but like, rolling around and stuff.
I really enjoy that.
- Draco and I can have our apple--
I'll give him many Granny Smith apples.
I think we're all going to do the same thing:
marry Draco, kissing-- - Yeah.
That's the first time. - Who are we kissing?
Bellatrix, and we're Crucio-ing the Bloody Baron.
- Okay, kiss, marry, Crucio.
- Barty Crouch, Jr.
- Fudge.
- Ew.
- Ron Weasley.
- [All] Aww.
- Let's marry Ron.
Won-Won. - I definitely
couldn't kiss Barty Crouch, Jr.
- Oh, because it's David Tennant?
Yum.
We can do the tongue thing when we're kissing.
- Maybe we just, like,
look at each other from across the room
and (slobber noise)
- Yeah, we'll just touch tongues, that's it.
We're not going to kiss.
Just touch tongues.
- I feel like we're all going to do the same thing--
- Yeah, we're all going to do the same thing in this one.
We'll Crucio Fudge - Fudge is so annoying.
- Because he needs to just, like, get over himself
- Because he didn't believe Harry,
he was a pain in my ass. - Right. Exactly.
I agree, so bye-bye Fudge.
We're going to marry Ron.
- He worked with Umbridge.
- And we're going to kiss--
who are we kissing?
- Barty Crouch, Jr.
- Ah, that's right.
David Tennant.
- He's like, 'I forgot.'
- David Tennant.
Kiss, marry, Crucio.
- I got James Potter.
The bully. - Girl.
(Tessa laughs) - Subtitle.
Just in case you forgot
- [Tessa] It's there wherever he goes.
I got Dumbledore, comma, Albus,
because there's so many of them now.
- I love him so much.
- Oh, what age?
- Ooh, whatever age you want.
- Fleur Delacour.
- Oh, snap. - Ooh.
- Oh, no.
- I'm definitely marrying Dumbledore.
He's my forever man.
- That's unfortunate.
(all laughs)
- He's my forever man.
He could design your home, get you plenty
of lemon-flavored things.
- Ice lolly.
- He's so Jude Law.
- I know.
- Well, I've dated a lot of guys that were gay,
so maybe I would take Dumbledore, and I would--
- So kiss? Or marry?
- I'll kiss Dumbledore.
Or, I feel like I'd kiss James Potter, too.
- I'm going to delete James Potter.
I mean-- - Delete?
(Tessa laughs)
I don't wanna Crucio Dumbledore.
- Me neither.
- You're gonna Crucio Dumbledore?
How dare you touch my husband. - No, I said no!
I can't Crucio Dumbledore.
I'm gonna kiss Dumbledore, I'm gonna marry Fleur.
- Oh, I'm gonna kiss Fleur.
She's so pretty, you can't resist her.
- She is so pretty, I know.
- I wanna marry Fleur, so I can kiss her all the time.
- I know.
- Marry Fleur, kiss James, Crucio Dumbledore.
- You're gonna Crucio Dumbledore?
- He's so strong, he can take it.
- I'm gonna Crucio James.
- And he's not interested in me anyway.
- I'm gonna kiss him.
- But he's such a kind soul.
- I bet Dumbledore would teach me how to kiss.
I bet he really knows how to kiss.
- I'm the greatest good
you are ever gonna get. - Oh!
- Cho Chang.
- Harry Potter.
- Wormtail. (Tessa and Brizzy hum)
- Harry Potter would be my husband.
- Harry has, oh, he has so much baggage though.
- But he's also, like, nice.
(all laugh)
- He is nice.
- Pros and cons.
Baggage.
Nice.
- He has a temper.
- Okay, so we're all Crucioing Wormtail.
- Yeah, we're Crucioing Wormtail.
- He has tail in his name.
- He's too annoying.
- He's a mouse rat.
- Cho Chang, like, (moans)
- I'mma marry Cho, kiss Harry.
- I'm gonna kiss Cho Chang, she'll probably cry.
(laughing and sputtering)
- I'mma kiss Cho on, in the Owlery,
where Harry is like, trying--
- Wanna go ball wit me?
- When Harry gets dejected, I'm gonna grab--
- You're gonna walk up--
(all laugh)
- I'm gonna grab Cho and kiss her
right in front of Harry.
- I'm gonna take her back to Madam Puttifoot's.
And we'll have our first date.
- And then I'm gonna end up marrying Harry
and I'm gonna be like, remember that time I stole your girl?
- I feel like that'd be a good inside joke.
- Yeah, that would be a good inside joke.
- Oh my God.
- Harry and I gonna play Horcruxes together.
- What, you're gonna be like, you're a Horcrux.
- I have a plan that, when we have kids, we'll,
for Easter, we'll hide Horcruxes around the house,
fake ones, and they'll have to find them like eggs.
- And then they'll find all them,
and he's like, you forgot one.
(all laugh)
- He'll be like, this is the story of my life.
- Oh my God. - It'll be like Christmas,
when you tell the story of Jesus.
- That is it!
- That's it!
- We did it!
We kissed, married, and Crucioed many many
Harry Potter characters. - Yeah we did.
We married Harry Potter too.
- Make sure you check out both Christine
and Brizzy's channels because we did collabs
that are Harry Potter related on both of them,
so make sure you check that out!
Okay, that's it.
- Bye! Woo!
- Nox.
- But you know, happiness can be found
even in the darkest of times
if one only remembers to turn on the light.
- Expecto Patronum!