WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I STAND
HERE AND MAKE JOKES ABOUT ALL OF DONALD TRUMP'S LIES.
BUT TODAY I THINK I OWE HIM AN APOLOGY.
TURNS OUT, IT'S EVEN WORSE WHEN HE TELLS THE TRUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FREAKING OUT
OVER AN HONEST ANSWER TRUMP GAVE TO A PRETTY SIMPLE QUESTION FROM
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS.
>> YOUR CAMPAIGN THIS TIME AROUND, IF FOREIGNERS, IF
RUSSIA, IF CHINA, IF SOMEONE ELSE OFFERS YOU INFORMATION ON
OPPONENTS, SHOULD THEY ACCEPT IT OR SHOULD THEY CALL THE F.B.I.?
>> I THINK MAYBE YOU DO BOTH.
I THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO LISTEN.
I DON'T-- THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH LISTENING.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "SURE, A CAMPAIGN ACCEPTING HELP
FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY IS AGAINST THE LAW, BUT SINCE
WHEN IS BREAKING THE LAW A CRIME?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"I MEAN, DO BOTH."
"WHY NOT DO THE WRONG THING AND THE RIGHT THING?
LET'S JUST KILL TWO BIRDS WITH ONE -- CRIME ."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN STEPHANOPOULOS GAVE TRUMP
AN OPPORTUNITY TO NOT PUBLICLY BETRAY OUR DEMOCRACY.
>> YOU WANT THAT KIND OF INTERFERENCE IN OUR ELECTIONS?
>> IT'S NOT INTERFERENCE.
THEY HAVE INFORMATION.
I THINK I'D TAKE IT.
>> STEPHEN: OH, WE KNOW YOU'D TAKE IT-- YOU TOOK IT.
THE QUESTION IS, WHY ARE YOU ADMITTING IT?
IT'S LIKE NIXON SAYING -- (AS NIXON)
"I AM A CROOK.
JUST ASK THAT DEEP THROAT GUY HE'S GOT ME DEAD TO RIGHTS.
LOCK ME UP!
LOCK ME UP!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP EVEN GAVE A TERRIBLE EXAMPLE TO PROVE HIS TERRIBLE
POINT.
>> IF SOMEBODY CALLED FROM A COUNTRY, NORWAY, "WE HAVE
INFORMATION ON YOUR OPPONENT."
OH, I THINK I'D WANT TO HEAR IT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, I'LL PLAY YOUR LITTLE GAME.
HOW ABOUT I GET THE DIRT FROM A HARMLESS LITTLE COUNTRY LIKE
NORWAY OR SWEDEN OR FINLAND OR JUST RANDOMLY HEADING EAST HERE,
RUSSIA?" ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
NORWAY, RUSSIA.
BOTH COLD.
BOTH VERY COLD.
" RIGHT NOW, ROBERT MUELLER IS
JUST GETTING HOME WITH ALL HIS BOXES AFTER CLEARING OUT HIS
OFFICE, TURNS ON THE TV, AND HE'S LIKE --
(AS MUELLER) "DAMN IT.
HONEY, I'M GOING BACK TO WORK.
I'LL SEE YOU IN ANOTHER TWO YEARS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "I TRIED TO RETIRE."
THEN STEPHANOPOULOS PUSHED TRUMP ON WHY HE WOULDN'T CALL THE
F.B.I.: >> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'VE SEEN
A LOT OF THINGS OVER MY LIFE.
I DON'T THINK IN MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE EVER CALLED THE F.B.I.
IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"I'VE NEVER CALLED THE F.B.I.
NOT EVEN WHEN I FIRED THEIR DIRECTOR.
THEY HAD TO HEAR IT FROM CNN ."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUE STORY.
TRUE STORY.
TRUMP ALSO HAD ANOTHER REASON NOT TO CALL THE F.B.I.: THEY'RE
SO DARN BUSY.
>> IF I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG, I'D GO MAYBE TO
THE F.B.I., IF I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG, BUT WHEN
SOMEBODY COMES UP WITH OPPO.
RESEARCH, RIGHT, THEY COME UP WITH OPPO. RESEARCH.
"OH, LET'S CALL THE F.B.I."
THE F.B.I. DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH AGENTS TO TAKE CARE OF IT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
IT'S LIKE AN ARSONIST SAYING, "I KNOW THIS BUILDING IS BURNING
DOWN, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER THE FIRE
DEPARTMENT.
THEY'VE GOT TO BE SLAMMED, WHAT WITH ALL THE FIRES I'M
STARTING AROUND HERE ."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEN, STEPHANOPOULOS BROUGHT UP A SIMILAR CASE:
>> AL GORE GOT A STOLEN BRIEFING BOOK, HE CALLED THE F.B.I.
>> WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT, A STOLEN BRIEFING BOOK.
THIS ISN'T A STOLEN-- >> STEPHEN: YES, IT IS.
HILLARY'S EMAILS WERE STOLEN.
(AS TRUMP) "TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
THEY WERE IN A COMPUTER, EVERYONE KNOWS LAWS DON'T APPLY
THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) DOWN IN THERE, IT'S ALL RULED BY
TRON AND THE GUYS ON THE LASER MOTORCYCLES."
( LAUGHTER ) "OLIVIA WILDE.
MAGIC ."
( LAUGHTER ) WE LAUGH BECAUSE IT'S EVIL, AND
IT'S EVIL AND IT'S STUPID.
FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS, EVERY OTHER WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH
WAS "NO COLLUSION."
HE PERSONALLY DICTATED THE STATEMENT ABOUT DON JR.'S TRUMP
TOWER MEETING, SAYING IT WAS ABOUT ADOPTION, SO WE WOULDN'T
KNOW ABOUT THE COLLUSION.
HE SPENT TWO YEARS-- ACCORDING TO MUELLER-- OBSTRUCTING
JUSTICE, SO WE WOULDN'T KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS LEVEL OF
COLLUSION.
THEN, GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS SAYS, "HEY, IF A FOREIGN
GOVERNMENT WANTS TO COLLUDE WOULD YOU DO IT?"
(AS TRUMP) "SURE, I MEAN, WHO WOULDN'T
COLLUDE?
I LOVE COLLUDING.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IF I HAD ANOTHER DAUGHTER, I'D NAME HER COLLUDANKA."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MORNING, TRUMP DEFENDED
HIMSELF FURTHER, TWEETING, "I MEET AND TALK TO 'FOREIGN
GOVERNMENTS' EVERY DAY.
I JUST MET WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND-- U.K.--, THE PRINCE OF
WHALES--" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE PRINCE OF "WHALES," WITH AN
"H"?
(AS TRUMP) "PRINCE OF WHALES, FANTASTIC
GUY, I THREATENED HIM WITH PLANKTON TARIFFS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I SCARED THIS GUY.
I GOT RIGHT UP IN HIS KRILL.
BUT HE SAYS WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT ME, LIKE --
( HIGH PITCHED WHALE SOUND ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) ( WHALE SOUNDS )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: COME ON, MAN, GET THAT
WHALE!
>> Stephen: I GOT THE ROSETTETA STONE HUMP BACK FOR
CHRISTMAS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BACK TO THE TWEET.
"I MEET AND TALK TO 'FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS' EVERY DAY. I JUST
MET WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND --U.K.--, THE PRINCE OF WHALES,
THE P.M. OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, THE P.M. OF IRELAND, THE
PRESIDENT OF FRANCE AND THE PRESIDENT OF POLAND.
WE TALKED ABOUT 'EVERYTHING!' SHOULD I IMMEDIATELY DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, CALL THE F.B.I. ABOUT THESE
CALLS AND MEETINGS?
HOW RIDICULOUS!" YES, IT'S RIDICULOUS.
THOSE ARE OUR CLOSEST ALLIES.
NO ONE IS SAYING THAT TALKING TO FOREIGNERS IS ILLEGAL.
THEY'RE SAYING COMMITTING CRIMES WITH FOREIGNERS IS ILLEGAL.
HUGE DIFFERENCE.
IT'S LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SAYING, "I LIKE TO SPEND TIME
WITH MY FAMILY," AND "I LIKE TO SPEND TIME WITH THE MANSON
FAMILY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( WHALE SOUNDS )
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP HAS HIS DEFENDERS,
LIKE FORMER PENNSYLVANIA SENATOR AND KEN DOLL WITH EVEN SMOOTHER
GENITALS -- ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- RICK SANTORUM.
>> HE DID SAY HE WOULD TURN IT OVER TO THE F.B.I.
SO I-- AND WHAT-- >> HE SAID MAYBE.
>> THE PRESIDENT THROWS MAYBE, HE HAS-- AS WE ALL DO, WE HAVE
FILLER WORDS THAT WE THROW OUT THERE THAT DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY
SAY.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, "I THINK."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YES, TRUE.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL THAT IT'S JUST FILLER WORDS THAT MEAN
NOTHING WHENEVER RICK SANTORUM SAYS, "I THINK."
( LAUGHTER ) BASICALLY, SANTORUM'S SAYING
THAT WORDS DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY MEAN.
HE MUST HAVE MERRIAM WEBSTER'S NEW CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
DICTIONARY.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER PERSON IN TRUMP'S CORNER
THIS MORNING WAS ONE OF HIS "FOX AND FRIENDS," AINSLEY EARHARDT.
SHE AGREES THAT WHEN FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS CALL TO OFFER TO
MANIPULATE THE ELECTION IN YOUR FAVOR, IT IS SILLY TO CALL THE
F.B.I.
>> COULD YOU IMAGINE, THOUGH?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
HI, I'M RUNNING FOR CONGRESS AND, UH, NORWAY CALLED AND THEY
HAVE SOME INFORMATION ON MY OPPONENT.
WHAT'S THE F.B.I. GOING TO DO?
YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA BE LIKE, OH, WE'RE RIGHT ON IT!
WE ARE GOING TO INVESTIGATE THAT.
PROBABLY NOT!
>> NORWAY?
RIGHT!
LIKE, YOU'RE CRAZY!
WE'LL CALL YOU BACK!
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, WHAT'S THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
GONNA DO-- INVESTIGATE?
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE CRAZY!
I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
CALL 9-1-1 AND SAY I'M BEING MURDERED?
OH, I'M BEING MURDERED BY A NORWEGIAN.
RIGHT, OKAY?
JUST BE MURDERED, WE'LL CALL YOU BACK.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S THE THING: AINSLEY GOT A LITTLE PUSHBACK FROM HER
CO-FRIEND, BRIAN KILMEADE.
>> PUT IT THIS WAY.
NOTHING IS FREE IN THIS WORLD.
YOU DON'T WANT A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT OR FOREIGN ENTITY
GIVING YOU INFORMATION BECAUSE THEY ARE GONNA WANT SOMETHING
BACK.
IF CHINA DOES SAY "HEY, PRESIDENT TRUMP, I HAVE GOT
INFORMATION ON PETE BUTTIGIEG."
THE PRESIDENT SHOULD SAY "HEY, KEEP IT.
KEEP IT.
I GOT THIS."
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO OWE CHINA OR RUSSIA SOMETHING IN
RETURN.
>> STEPHEN: SEE WHAT YOU DID, DONALD TRUMP?
YOU DID SOMETHING WORSE THAN TREASON -- YOU MADE ME AGREE
WITH BRIAN KILMEADE.
( LAUGHTER ) GAAAAAH!
GAAAAAH!
( PIANO RIFF ) GAAAAAH!
IT BURNS!
TRUMP AND STEPHANOPOULOS ALSO DISCUSSED TRUMP'S LATEST
PROJECT, HIS PLANS TO REDESIGN AIR FORCE ONE.
AND TRUMP IS PROUD OF HIS NEW PLANE --
>> IT'S A 747.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S A MUCH BIGGER PLANE.
>> IT IS, SIR.
>> BIGGER WING SPAN.
A MUCH BIGGER WING SPAN.
>> STEPHEN: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT A PRESIDENT WITH
A "BIG WINGSPAN:" TINY COCKPIT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
>> KEVIN BACON IS HERE!
WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!"!