- Okay my friends.
People pleasers, rejoice!
We're speaking about the classy way to set boundaries
that actually works, boundaries that stick.
But before we dive in, make sure you give this video a like
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Boundary setting matters.
Why?
We hear about boundaries a lot,
but the truth is unless we have firm boundaries in place,
we're like a plastic bag drifting through the wind
really working at the whim of whoever needs us
for something, or whoever wants us for something.
And that's not the way to live your life my friends,
not at the mercy of other people's needs and demands.
And the way that we're just programmed as human beings
is to, you know, go along with others
to go along with the hut to not disrupt it.
It can feel unsafe in a lot of cases to say no
to turn something down, to almost ruffle some feathers.
And our millions of years of programming hates that.
We start to think, "My gosh, if I say no
or if I create a boundary, people won't like me.
They won't ask me for things again.
They won't wanna connect with me.
I'm doing something wrong."
So we're here to debunk that
and specifically talk about how you can set boundaries
in a way that's classy and kind,
and in a way that is that your boundaries
are just simply more likely to be better received
by the people in your life.
What is a boundary?
Right?
Let's start there.
The way that I imagine it is almost this invisible
bubble that you're in,
where you end and somebody else begins.
It's that line kind of around us that protects us
in a lot of cases.
So where you end and somebody else begins,
that's where the boundary is.
And sometimes we don't have any, right?
We're just like, okay, yes, and yes, I can do that.
And we take on so much and we're so resentful
and we wonder why our energy is depleted
and we don't have that much to give at the end of it all.
So boundary setting matters and remember,
you are separate to other people, your needs, desires,
what it is that's right for you,
isn't the same as everybody else.
So knowing what your boundaries are
and what's right for you is critical.
One way to understand what makes sense for you
in terms of boundary setting is what gives you energy.
A lot of the time, even if somebody is asking for your help,
it can feel energizing.
It can feel good.
You want to do that.
For example, I have a friend coming to Miami
where I live in a couple of weeks.
She has a 7:00 a.m. photo shoot, and I'm going to be there.
I will get up at six travel to the part of Miami
she's taking photographs in
because I want to be there to support her,
to help her with that process,
and I love photo shoots.
I think they're really fun.
But if that didn't work for me, if getting up early
and photography and creating these cool shoots
just wasn't interesting to me, it would be a no,
it would be a loving no.
And we're allowed to have both,
but no one can tell you what energizes you.
Only you know.
And so often we're just on autopilot, right?
If someone asks us for something,
especially depending on who they are like a mother-in-law,
or a colleague or someone who we just want to please,
our autopilot response says, "Yes.
Yes, I'll do that."
Or, hey, can you, would you mind?
These questions come up a lot of requests,
whatever it may be and you just say yes.
So an elegant way to manage this is simply to pause.
Pause for literally one second, two seconds.
It's nothing.
But this immediately curbs your autopilot response
which if you're a people pleaser like I am,
so I've a lot of work on this myself,
you just jumped to the yes, jump to the pleasing,
jump to the relief of, okay, we're good here.
You feel me?
Don't you people pleaser?
I know you do.
So think about that for a moment.
The next time a request comes, just pause.
Pause and think for a moment,
and then think to yourself in that moment
I'm already appearing confident because I'm not quick.
So quick and enthusiastic and eager just to say yes
to please the person who's asking me.
So pause and think, you're allowed to do that
as a human being.
Secondly, you wouldn't have some kind of go-to phrases
for when you're gonna turn something down,
because the most important thing isn't saying no
or saying, yes, it's the way in which we communicate.
Communication is so important.
And fun fact, humans are wired for mimicry.
If you see someone yawning, what you tend to do?
You yawn also.
If you see someone laughing or smiling,
we have mirror neurons.
So we tend to mimic the person that we're speaking to.
So when I say no,
I love to do it with a warmth and a smile,
so it's received in the same way.
If someone says, "Hey, Susie, can you help me with XYZ?"
I'd say, "Gosh, I'd love to, I can't take anything else
on at the moment though.
I know you'll have fun, good luck."
Or if someone says, "Hey, Susie, would it be okay if."
I'd say, "Pause.
You know, let me get back to you on that.
I'll have to check a few things.
Let me get back to you on that."
Already that buffer is there.
You've created space for yourself and you still have options
because it's also great to go back
after you've said yes with a no."
So don't ever put yourself in that position again.
You don't have to."
So ask for time, say you'll get back to the person.
And already that pause creates space
which gives you some freedom.
Already this can start to feel like relief for you.
Like these options are available,
but with boundary setting it's critical
to know a couple of things.
First of all, you won't fulfill your life's potential
without firm boundaries.
You simply won't.
Look at any successful person.
In fact, Warren Buffet says,
"The difference between successful people
and very successful people,
is that very successful people say no to almost everything."
So this is a critical skill to learn.
And then secondly, and a lot of people don't
or are pleasantly surprised by this
because they don't expect it.
The world responds with respect to you,
when you respect your time.
When you value yourself,
the world just responds in kind.
And then you'll see that people come to you less
in a good way.
They won't be, "Yeah, she'll help out.
He'll help out."
They're always just available.
When you're not so available,
when you have these boundaries in place,
people respect you differently.
And that my friend is pretty nice.
As humans it's natural.
We're all self-motivated.
We are motivated by our own needs.
So there's nothing wrong with people
asking us for stuff and wanting stuff from us.
That's okay.
They're allowed to want it and we're allowed to say no
with love specifically using those phrases
that I just shared with you.
This is perhaps the most important part
about boundary setting which does get easier with time
and I'm a people pleaser,
so I speak from experience here my friend, okay?
How your loving no is received
to that boundary that you've set, isn't your business.
If you have made it clear, if you've communicated with love
if you've trusted your own emotion and intuition
and your energy, when it comes to your response,
what someone else does with that is their business.
And guess what?
It's okay if they're not happy with it.
Why am I feeling that discomfort?
That prickly is someone gonna not like it?
Are they gonna be unhappy with me?
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe that will happen.
Maybe that will happen a lot, but what else will happen?
What else are you freeing yourself up for?
What time are you getting back?
What opportunities are you tapping into
that haven't been available yet
because you've been bogged down with other people's stuff
and needs from you.
A whole lot of good stuff happens
when we set those boundaries, we respect ourselves.
The world respects us.
We get our time back
and we kind of shoot into this whole other level of success
because when we're not tied down to what we're committed to
that makes us feel depleted and resentful,
other things open up for us, my friend,
and that is what we want.
Now, if letting people down or offending others
or feeling like rejection is something
that is absolutely not okay with you,
you will love book, "Stop Checking Your Likes."
By now you know this is not a book about social media,
it's about living approval free
and having a lot of freedom with rejection,
with difficult conversations,
with other human beings who
maybe you're not completely aligned with,
letting that be okay.
Now, if you liked this video, please let me know.
What's a boundary that you'd like to set in your life?
Leave me a comment and I will see you there.