SCIENTIST #1: This is the purest sample we've seen yet.
SCIENTIST #2: And potentially the most unstable.
SCIENTIST #1: Now, now [ Dunkey shoots other scientist ]
[ continues ] Follow standard insertion procedures
everything will be fine.
DEAD SCIENTIST: I don't know how you can say that.
SCIENTIST #1: Gordon doesn't need to hear all this.
He's a highly trained professional.
[ shouting over noises ] DUNKEY: Just jam this diamond in the light bulb.
DUNKEY: What the fuuck
DUNKEY: What did I d-
[ H λ L F - L I F E Intro Starts ]
DUNKEY: Most games, you gotta shoot 'em in the head
But in Half-Life, you gotta shoot 'em in the hand.
Okay?
Look at this guy.
Boom. He's outta here.
Never stood a chance.
This guy is just an asshole. Okay?
You don't put your hand up. That's how you die in this game.
FUCK
He doesn't even have any hands!
He's invincible!
Oh.
Okay he dies in two shots.
Game is actually a lot easier than I remember.
[ falls to death ]
What the fuck?
What the fuck was that?
I got a crowbar. Ain't nobody-
[ dies ]
Okay.
SCIENTIST: I certainly hope you know what you're doing.
DUNKEY: I- you can count on me.
Now, just a little-
Just-
Just a little bit more!
Just a little-
Just a little bit more this way-
[ scientist gets pulled by Barnacle, Dunkey laughs ]
Look at that stupid dumbass!
[ continues laughing ]
You dumb ass hell, boy-
AARGH GOD DAMMIT
Fuckin' crabheads. Fuckin'... dicksuck.
Outta my way-
PIECE OF SHIT
PIECE OF-
FUCKING-
PIECE OF SHI-
It never stops!
It's like the mi-
Fucking piece of shit-
Ok, that should be all of them.
I think we're good now.
[ Headcrab kills Dunkey ]
GUARD: Freeman, I've been waiting for you.
One of your scientist pals said to give you a message.
[ gets shot by Dunkey ] Aargh!
DUNKEY: And now we'll never know what that message was.
One second guys.
I just gotta look up real quick something on the internet.
To beat this guy.
Oh shi-
Sweet aim, dude!
For a fucking piece of shit tank that fucking died.
I hope you learned a valuable lesson from this.
Don't you ever fuck with-
[ turret fire, Dunkey sounds ]
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FU-
GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT OUTTA MY-
Not even close.
SCIENTIST: You're going to have to leave me here, Gordon
DUNKEY: Are you sure about that?
GUARD: Stupid machine!
[ Dunkey mumbling in the background ] Why don't these ever seem to work?
DUNKEY: Something funny is gonna happen, like the vending machine's gonna fall on 'im-
[ guard kills Dunkey ]
ANNOUNCER: Hello there.
DUNKEY: Hello.
ANNOUNCER: You're about to enter our facility to show off the graphics of the Goldsource engine, even though it hasn't aged too well.
SCIENTIST: With my brains and your brawn, we'll make an excellent team!
Ok, well, whatever you do, DO NOT walk through the blue laser. Okay?
[ scientist walks through the blue laser, killing Dunkey ]
Barney, look!
These guys are escaping!
Hey guys!
[ scientists scream in pain and agony ]
Take us with, guys!
We wanna escape too!
Come on, Barn-
Check this shit out.
Come get me, dickhead!
[ dickhead dies, yells "medic" from beyond the grave ]
Why am I up against a ninja SWAT team now?
I'm just a shitty scientist with a crowbar!
GUARD: Freeman, right? I got a message for ya.
[ Dunkey kills guard yet again ]
DUNKEY: And now we'll never know what that message was.
Okay, I'm really confused right now.
I think maybe we should've not killed that guy.
And actually heard what the message was.
I think we're gonna go back, actually.
GUARD: Freeman, right? I got a message for ya.
Make sure you don't-
[ guard suddenly dies ]
DUNKEY: What?
Guys, that wasn't me!
He just died!
[ gasps ]
There he is!
Now, remember the trick.
Just keep shootin' 'em in the hand!
Half-Life? More like No-Life.
ANNOUNCER: Okay, we are here, and, wow, these graphics sure are stunning.
Which is what I would say if it was 1998.
[ Dunkey laughs ]
Y'know what that is, buddy?
That is reinforced 6-inch bulletproof glass.
It means you do not get out-
[ Alien Grunt breaks free ]
OH GOD-
HE FUCKING BROKE IT OFF
Know what that is?
That is reinforced bullet-
[ Headcrabs break free ]
I got this.
I got- [dies]
Dammit.
Attempt seven.
This is impossible.
This is the one. This is the one.
[ Dunkey sounds ]
HEV SUIT: Emergency. User death imminent.
DUNKEY: User death imminent?
I don't think so.
♫ What a thrill... ♫
Now, lemme-
[ sudden enemy spawn ]
OH MY FUCKING GOD
I'm a goddamn genius for this. Watch.
I put out all these goons, right?
And they're just gonna beat the whole level for me.
Okay?
Oh, why are they coming back?
Now this is- this is-
[ screaming ] AAAAH WHAT THE FUCK
[ screaming continues ]
STOP CHASING ME
[ dies ]