If you are trying to figure out how to save your marriage from
the brink of divorce, then this is the video for you. My name is
Kimberly Holmes and I am the CEO of marriage helper. And at
marriage helper, we have worked with 1000s upon 1000s of
marriages, to help situations just like yours. The majority of
people who come to us are the people where their spouse is
wanting out there wanting a divorce or a divorce has already
been filed. And we still have an amazing success rate at saving
those marriages. In fact, we have a couples workshop that has
over a 70% success rate at saving marriages, even if one
spouse has already filed for divorce. But we can help you
even before that, in what we teach. And I am going to be
teaching you today the top three things, the top three steps that
you need to follow in order to give your marriage the absolute
best shot of being saved. Now, keep in mind that at marriage
helper, everything we teach in SE is research based, time
tested and experience proven. What does that mean? What we
share is based in social science research, we don't just share
the things that worked for one person or sound good. It's
actually based in research, good research, actual research, I
just have to underline that because there's so much false
information out there that people are saying because it
sounds good, or they did it and it kind of worked for them. But
it's not based in something that scales or is generalizable or
transferable, which is actually a property of knowing that
you've done well done research. I'm currently in the middle of
my PhD, and doing this type of research and understanding what
to look for in doing great research. And we have a team of
people who are trained in that as well. So you can know that
what we teach you isn't just gimmicky or sound good. It is
actually research based. It's also time tested, marriage
helper has been around for 22 years, and we have been doing
this for that long, we've been working with people like you
giving hope to marriages that were on the brink of divorce and
seeing them saved. for over 20 years, we have continued to
refine our material and the things that we teach to make it
even better. And it is experience proven because we
have actually seen this work in the lives of 1000s of people.
All of those three things combined make what we teach
powerful, and we want to share it with you because we are on a
mission to support save and strengthen marriages to last a
lifetime. And marriage helper we want to see divorce stop, we
want to see healthy and happy marriages grow and explode
exponentially. Because we believe that when we have
healthy marriages and society, we begin to see change
everywhere else. So what is it that you can do to save your
marriage here is step one, stop push behaviors. There are things
that you're doing now, even though you don't mean to that
are inadvertently pushing your spouse away. And we actually
have an acronym for push in these outline the four types of
behaviors that you're probably doing that is ultimately making
things worse. And here's the thing, you have good intentions,
likely what has happened is your spouse has come to you told you
that they want out or they're unhappy or they want to divorce
and you have reacted in a very strong emotional way. A lot of
times most of the time, it is that you have started crying,
pleading, begging, maybe following them out of the house
to their car, trying to take their car keys back, crawling on
your knees and begging them to stay to not leave to stop the
divorce. Your intentions are good, but that is just pushing
your spouse further away.
Here are what the push behaviors are. Number one is the P stands
for pleading, begging, whining and crying. It's okay to have
emotions. And we're not saying that you need to learn to be a
statue. However, we are saying that when you are overly
emotional to a spouse who already wants to be away from
you, it's only going to push them further away from you. It's
okay to cry. It is okay to have people that you go to that can
be a support system for you and to vent to them which you need
to really make sure you pick the right people and not share all
of the dirty laundry because people may start telling you you
need to divorce and just let them go. And that's not going to
be helpful. But you do need people that you can go to and
and share those emotions with to vent them but it doesn't need to
be your spouse right now. You need to try and be as kind and
calm and gentle towards them as possible. That's the only way
that you're going to have a chance to get them back. The U
stands for unengaged on the flip side of this. Sometimes people
just completely unengaged from their spouse when they say they
want out. This a lot of times goes back to attachment styles
and if someone has a dismissive attachment style, they're more
likely to do this. I won't get into that in this video. But if
you're unengaging, and how hoping that your spouse will see
you stepping back and being more aloof that that is going to be
what attracts them back. That's not it either. It's not this no
contact that a lot of other people on YouTube are talking
about. It doesn't work. It's manipulative. So stop doing it,
it's going to push them further away. The S stands for starting
unnecessary fights. Again, in this same vein, you're so angry
that this is happening. And you feel like you can't get your
spouse to talk to you any other way. So you may start jabbing,
provoking texting things to them, I can't believe you're
doing this. Why did you spend $50 at Target the other day,
doing things that you know, is going to make them angry, but
you're willing to do it because at least they'll be talking to
you, or at least they'll see that you're angry, and maybe
they'll start feeling bad about what they're doing. That doesn't
work either. And then finally, the H stands for hovering,
tracking, following any types of those behaviors that are going
to come across as controlling. Also going to push your spouse
further away, if you're trying to break into their email or
their social media to see who they're talking to, or what
they're doing. If you try and put a GPS tracker in their car,
it's only going to push them further away. I'm not going as
deep in this video into the whys and the psychology behind all of
that. If you want, you can visit more of our YouTube videos to
find out more of that. But here's the bottom line, don't do
the push behaviors. So what do you do instead? Step two is you
begin to work on yourself. And marriage helper. We call it the
pies of attraction, physical, intellectual, emotional,
spiritual, that's what stands for pies. And that is our way of
saying you focus on controlling you because you are the only
person you can control. You can't force your spouse to stop
the divorce right now, it's only going to push them away. You
can't control what they're doing, where they're going, who
they're doing things with and how much money they're spending.
But you can control how you react to the situation, and how
you take care of yourself. So start focusing inward, become
the best that you can be physically, make sure you're
getting enough sleep that you're eating right, that you're
exercising, that you are feeling the best that you can for your
agent situation in life, intellectually, do something to
get your mind off of what your spouse is doing. And start
focusing on things that interest you taking up a new hobby
continuing classes online, maybe it's finishing a bachelor's
degree, you always wanted doing something that is going to
engage your mind so that you don't just sit around and worry
all the time, emotionally. Ask yourself what can I do that
evokes positive emotions within other people, and do more of
that be there for your kids. A lot of times, when you end up
with the children in the middle of a separation or divorce, it
can be very easy to hibernate to even isolate from the children
because you're experiencing all of this grief and you feel
alone. Find that support system you need emotionally in order
for you to evoke positive emotions in your kids. Or also
don't forget, you still want to be able to evoke positive
emotions within your spouse when they come back around. But
that's only going to come from you being the best that you can
be. And then spiritually, be sure that you are living in line
with your beliefs and values. Don't go searching on Tinder for
a one night stand to get back at your husband or wife for what
they're doing. Don't start violating your beliefs in order
to get revenge on someone else. Because ultimately, you're going
to feel really crappy about yourself, and it's still not
going to make your spouse want to come back. So that's step one
to recap is stop doing things that push your spouse away. And
step two is start working on yourself and becoming the best
that you can be. So what is step three, acknowledge that you
shouldn't have to do this alone. It is not natural, not normal
for us to know how to handle these situations, we react out
of fear, out of emotion, out of all of these feelings of feeling
overwhelmed and lonely and confused and not knowing what to
do and unchecked that leads us to make some pretty poor
decisions when we're in this kind of situation. Surround
yourself with a community of people who are for your marriage
and realize that it's okay to not know all of the answers
right now. That is why we at marriage helper have a whole
load of different things that you can do to engage with
community and actually save your marriage. We have a save my
marriage course that comes with the full set of things that you
need to do and understand in order to save your marriage and
it also comes with a community of people who are going to be
there for you, cheer you on and be there for you even when
things don't go the way you expected and encourage you to
get back up and try again. And it also comes with weekly group
support calls level by our marriage helper certified
coaches where you can ask your specific questions, and hear
other people's specific questions and hear how the coach
would encourage those people and maybe even you to react
differently in that situation, because we at marriage helper
know that 80% of what we teach our research based principles
are going to apply. And that's going to give you 80% of what
you need. But the other 20% is going to be unique to your
specific situation. That's why we've created this save my
marriage course, with all of these built in elements, it
gives you the research based principles you need in the
videos that it comes with, it gives you the community support
of the people that are in it, as well. And it also has the weekly
groups of support calls where you can get that unique
perspective from a coach who sees it from a different
perspective than you. So when you understand that you can't do
this alone, then we have a free resource for you. It is our free
mini course on how to get your spouse back,
I go further in detail on all of the things that I've mentioned
here of how to stop the push behaviors, how to work on
yourself more and even introduce some other new concepts for you,
such as how to communicate differently with your spouse
through a process that we call smart contact, you can start
learning about all of those things in our free mini course,
which you can tap the screen now in order to join that free mini
course where we will teach you these research based principles
that will get you moving on the track to save your marriage. So
remember, stop pushing, stop doing the push behaviors, start
working on yourself to become the best you can be
acknowledged. You can't do this alone. But there are people who
are here to help and marriage helper can help you join the
free mini course and we would love to get you started on the
path to save your marriage because we believe that there is
hope