When A Noble's Manhood Was On The Line
My buddy invited me to play a game.
He was trying out a homebrew setting
phantoms and ghosts n shit be haunting everywhere
"You guys will use cameras to capture their souls which can be used to manipulate objects
as a source of energy.."
oh so it's ghostbusters+pokemon
"No, its no-"
Gotta catchem all
First session is with the Dm, myself and one other player
DM says roll up standard character with short backstory and premise, can get more details
later be excited
As a a forever DM I’m excited about getting to make character
I design a Dragonborn Domain of Light Cleric with Knight Background
Idea is he was a former noble turned Zealot due to a traveling Priest's preachings
Now is a serious, harsh, albeit good-aligned Crusader-esque Cleric
I will eventually multi-class into Fighter but I digress
The character was meant to be straight-laced and serious and is also a noble
remember that
nobility will be on the exam The DM describes first scene
Me and other guy who rolled a Ranger are with caravan going to spooky swamp village
there be a ghosting present
During this scene, DM has us introduce our characters
I do so, Raymond of House Rathan the Noble Cleric with his Squire and two followers
Ranger; "Oh you did a Noble, that's hilarious so did I."
we chuckle
we tell DM we spend the caravan trip talking shit to the rest of the lowborns there
get to swamp town
get room in tavern
Get told the ghost hides in the swamp
Because of course it does.
give 3 gold pieces to one of my underlings
"Go buy us some torches"
DM; "How many should I buy sire?"
me who as a DM should know the cost of a torch but doesn't; "I don’t know. Buy 3 gold worth"
Ranger and I then go investigate the town for more information
no one knows much, just bad spooky in the swamp and it gets chilly sometimes
go back to tavern
there is a MASSIVE pile of torches up to the ceiling
i blink
"We spent hours dragging them here sire."
"How much does a Torch cost?" DM; "1 copper piece."
Heh…oops.
"I take 3 torches, give one to Thomas (Ranger) and tell them to return the rest."
DM; "Your underlings look at you with hatred"
As it should be. We venture into the swamp torches held high
Immediately shit goes south
Thomas nimbly steps over a puddle.Raymond of course tries to step over it too
I fail the Dex save and fall in.
it's forever deep, start drowning
I get pulled out by Thomas eventually, taking damage to Con and shit.
Thomas pokes the puddle
is now puddle deep
"I swear it was going to kill me"
we keep going
haunted deer attack us
we're but lvl 1 scrubs
we win but we got whacked
no more spells
low health
we short rest
during short rest a cold snap hits us
we lose the benefits of the short rest DM; "Your squire tells you it may be best
to head back to town"
me as a typical forever DM am able to decode this message as;
"Please go back to town, you're both going to die"
I nod to the DM and start reviewing my character sheet to see what I can buy or do in town
to better prep for swamp
DM starts going through notes
Thomas; "Well I don't know about you Raymond, but I can keep going."
I blink
Silence across the table
DM didn't notice, is just reviewing notes
What would my character do?
Thomas is measuring the size and nobility of his manhood to my character's
DM; "Okay as you guys ret-"
"I don't go back"
DM; "Excuse me?"
in my best high-pitched, arrogant, 'noble voice,' "Raymond looks at Thomas and says
'No no Sir Thomas, I'm fine let's keep going'"
Thomas and I look at DM
His face is one of pure panic and dread
We immediately start laughing
"mmm yes Sir Thomas let us be off"
"Quite so Sir Raymond"
Squire begs us to go back
"Silence knave, the blue bloods are talking" We continue through the swamp
A Ghost goliath shows up
It almost kills us
we retreat. Tactfully and with dignity.
literally alive by a thread
Look at Thomas
He looks at me
"Well I can keep going, but I don't know about you"
"Ah Sir Raymond, a man of high value you are, I was about to say the same to you"
"Indeed, well shall we engage our foe once more?"
Go back to where the Ghost was
he's not there
DM is refusing to allow more spookiness until we go back
Squire is threatening to revolt
Torches are no longer lighting
I get the hint finally;
"Sir Thomas I'm of a mind to head back to town, they may require the talents of our
noble minds to carry out day to day organization."
"Well Sir Raymond, sounds like you just want to go back"
"I-" I look at the DM
His eyes plead with me
"Well Sir Thomas, as a benevolent leader, it is my duty to escort my servants to safety
when they so require. Dear Iliya, my squire, would you like to head back to town?"
DM; "PLEASE"
"In that case how can I say no?"
The campaign ended up being a long-running affair. More players joined, the setting expanded,
and both Raymond and Thomas continued their dick measuring contests almost every session.
My throat was torn from keeping up that ridiculous voice, but Raymond forever was my most enjoyable
and perhaps goofiest character, with much more antics and craziness. The phrase "I can
keep going" made its mark to this day.
And now for the time Sir Raymond learns…abuses and regrets nothing about learning Fireball
It’s me again playing my favorite character, Sir Raymond the Dragonborn Light Domain Cleric
Also Noble asshole If the DM of this campaign had a nickel for
every Noble asshole in the party he'd have two
which is strange since Raymond only has one bum
I digress
as a forever DM I often dealt with the power spike of Fireball from players
Players would often whoop and holler in arousal and excitement once gaining this spell
as the one making the dex saves, I never understood this
but this instance, the tables turned they flipped
at this point in campaign we were gang leaders having forcibly taken over the major city's
lesser gang we began a reorganization campaign, recruiting
and expanding our influence Raymond of course, being a pious boyo opened
a church to his God's honor in his mind, the gang was a tool to be used
for his God Belenus they were practically worshippers, even if
they didn't know it themselves due to our actions, the other major gang in
the city took notice they began taking hostile actions
like existing this meant the opposing gang in the city were
heretical at best deserving of holy fire
at this point we were up there in levels Raymond had multiclassed into Fighter, taking
two levels this delayed what I eagerly waited for but
Action Surge was a part of the plan then it happened
we get back to our tavern/church to rest after a raid against the enemy
DM; "You guys can go ahead and level up" jubilation immediately shot through me
I began to visibly sweat I said the words my entire party wanted to
hear "Raymond learns Fireball"
The DM looked at me in clear horror what happened next was a blur
but, shameful as it is, I became that guy for a moment
Raymond immediately exited his church and walked to the rival gang's side of town
"I stand with my hands on my hips and wait for conflict"
The DM just blinks Nothing happens
"DM, why is there no conflict" "You're in the middle of a major city in broad
daylight, why would they start a fight?" his logic irked me
Raymond went to a nearby general store and purchased paint
after a series of vandalizing stunts and general douchebag behaviour the rival gang finally
took notice a group of a dozen or so thugs approached
Raymond "You got a death wish or somethin'?" the DM
said his Brooklyn accent was fire, clearly well
rehearsed but they didn't know
I was also fire...ball and it was at this moment I knew
I understood the seductive nature of the spell
I looked at the player playing Thomas he'd known about this from the start
without another word I said it "I cast Fireball at my feet. Dex saves"
The explosion was horrendous My Good Aligned Cleric apparently did not
consider the bystanders or citizens simply walking on the sidewalk nearby collateral
I failed my own save, but was resistant nonetheless the thugs to their merit survived
but I action surged I cast fireball again
they perished punished for taking employment with a rival
gang they should have known better than to be poor
without another thought Raymond ran back to the church
no doubt the guards were coming bodies littered the street
the thugs? heretical lowborns who deserved it
the innocent? Martyrs of course
Once it was over the DM and my entire party just stared at me
"Did ya get it out of your system?" Thomas would ask
"Absolutely" I lied
the entire point of the build was all the fireballs
I would fireball at a moment's notice 3rd level spell slots could not be used for
anything else the party fighter? dying?
"Don't worry, Raymond can rez you" "I can't, I took fireball today instead"
the looks of hatred "You're the Cleric and you wasted your Revives
on Fireball?" Yes
Don’t judge me. You would too. Or should anyway. Shortly after this I would retire
Raymond, replacing him with a drug addict hobbyist Lizardfolk Samurai. Covid would then
hit, and upon reconvening with my party I reverted back to Forever DM status.
But I will never forget the thrill of learning Fireball. So to my Wizards and other spell-enthusiasts
reading, I just wanted to tell you, I understand. I know.
Fireball the most addictive spell in D&D. That much power at your fingertips? How can
you not shout “I cast fireball!” at your foes? Tell us about your hilarious fireball
catastrophies in the comments below!
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