BURGER KING CHICKEN FRIES.
SURE ENOUGH, THEY WERE DISCONTINUED FOR 2012.
LIKE MY LIFE DOESN'T SUCK ENOUGH.
DO YOU STILL FREQUENT A BURGER KING?
UH, NO, I'VE BEEN BOYCOTTING THEM EVER SINCE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT, SHE WAS HUGE.
A BIG, BIG LADY.
YOU--YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT, HOW HUGE SHE WAS.
MY FAVORITE FOOD IS BEANS AND CORNBREAD.
I LOVE BEANS AND CORNBREAD.
'CAUSE I'M JUST A COUNTRY BOY.
YOU KNOW, LOVE THAT BEANS AND CORNBREAD.
'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH BEANS AND CORNBREAD.
I HAVE BEEN A REPUBLICAN IN TIMES GOOD,
AND I HAVE BEEN A REPUBLICAN IN TIMES BAD!
DANIEL TOSH IS GONNA BE
MY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN MANAGER.
WHOO!
HELL, YEAH!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN NOSTALGIC BECAUSE UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE,
I DON'T GET UGLIER AND FATTER AS I GET OLDER.
THOSE THREE FOLKS I KIND OF REMEMBER
ARE THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE REDEEMED.
I'VE BEEN REDEEMING PEOPLE PROFESSIONALLY
FOR SEVEN YEARS NOW.
15 ALL TOLD.
EVERY PERSON I REDEEM IS LIKE FAMILY TO ME,
WHICH IS WHY I AVOID THEM AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE,
IT'S IMPORTANT TO MAKE SURE OUR BELOVED TOSH LEGENDS
DIDN'T DIE ALONE IN THEIR APARTMENTS
WITH CATS EATING THEIR FACES.
THAT'S WHY I FLEW PHIL, DARRELL, AND THAT CHICKEN FRIES GUY
BACK TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THE THIRD ANNUAL
TOSH.OH, THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE UP TO NOW
REDEMPTION REUNION SPECTACULAR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELCOME TO TALKING TOSH,
THE ONLY SHOW THAT COMES ON DURING TOSH WHERE WE TALK ABOUT
WHAT TOSH IS TALKING ABOUT ON TOSH.
I AM YOUR HOST, DANIEL TOSH, FROM TOSH.0.
LET'S TALK TOSH.
I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER OUR FIRST GUEST
FOR BEING PASSIONATE, ENTHUSIASTIC, AND WAY TOO LOUD.
PLEASE WELCOME PHIL DAVISON!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW YOU DOING, DANIEL?
- PHIL, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. - GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
ALL RIGHT, FIRST THING'S FIRST,
SCREAM AS LOUD AS YOU CAN.
AHH!
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, PHIL?
JUST BEEN WORKING.
WORK IN OHIO AS A LEGAL ASSISTANT.
YOU DIDN'T BECOME STARK COUNTY'S TREASURER.
THAT'S CORRECT.
HAS ANY COLLEGE ASKED YOU TO GIVE THE COMMENCEMENT SPEECH?
NO, THEY HAVEN'T.
THAT'S A SHAME.
I'M PISSED ABOUT IT, MAN.
HAVE YOU EVER SENT ANY PHOTOS OF YOUR PENIS TO ANYONE?
YES, I HAVE.
PHIL, YOU CAN'T BE DOING THAT.
YOU DATING ANYONE?
- YES. - NICE.
YEAH, SHE'S NOT HAPPY WITH ME.
WELL, WHY WOULD SHE BE?
EXACTLY, YOU KNOW.
HOW MUCH DO YOU SPEND ON DRUGS A MONTH?
ABOUT $200. IT'S ABOUT 1/4 BAG A WEEK.
SUM UP OBAMA'S PRESIDENCY IN ONE WORD.
FAILURE.
DID YOU INVEST YOUR MONEY FROM THE SHOW WISELY?
YES, I HAVE.
I'VE PUT IT IN AN IRA FUND,
AND OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS,
IT'S GROWN EXPONENTIALLY.
SO I'M DOING FINE.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO SAY
TO THE HATERS OUT THERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO TELL 'EM?
- WHAT'S THAT? - [BLEEP] ALL OF YA.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING?
YOU WANT RATINGS?
I'LL GIVE YOU RATINGS.
WELL, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR PHIL.
THANK YOU FOR COMING ON.
I KNOW YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO YOUR VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK MORE TOSH.
NOW, ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,
OUR NEXT GUEST IS MOMENTS AWAY
FROM DYING OF KIDNEY FAILURE
BECAUSE HE ONLY EATS FAST FOOD.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK DAVE, THE BK-CHICKEN-FRIES GUY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- DAVE. - HEY.
HAVE A SEAT. NICE TO SEE YOU.
- YOU STILL DATING THAT REDHEAD? - YES.
OH.
HOW SHOCKED WERE YOU WHEN YOU FOUND OUT
BK HAD CAVED TO OUR DEMANDS
AND BROUGHT BACK THE CHICKEN FRY?
[CHANTING] BRING THEM BACK.
BRING THEM BACK.
I WAS ACTUALLY VERY SHOCKED,
'CAUSE I JUST THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARED.
DAVE, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT
ON YOUR KNEES RIGHT NOW SLOBBING ON MY KNOB.
YOU KNOW, I MAY BE THE LENIN
OF THE CHICKEN FRIES MOVEMENT.
YOU ARE THE TROTSKY.
DID THE CHICKEN FRIES TASTE
AS GOOD AS YOU REMEMBERED?
THEY WERE STILL SPICY.
I THINK THEY WERE A BIT SOGGIER
BECAUSE THEY CHANGED THE METHOD IN WHICH THEY MAKE THEM,
BUT ASIDE FROM THAT, THEY WERE PRETTY DAMN GOOD.
HOW'S YOUR HEALTH?
I'M STILL ALIVE.
I'M PROBABLY HEALTHIER
BECAUSE I'VE BECOME SLIGHTLY LESS
OF A PICKY EATER SINCE THE SHOW.
WHAT DO YOU ENJOY NOW
THAT YOU DIDN'T HAVE A TASTE FOR BEFORE?
ON THE HEALTHY SIDE, RICE.
ON THE EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY SIDE, BACON.
TALK ABOUT RICE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT I LIKE ABOUT RICE IS THAT
I CAN ADD AS MUCH [BLEEP] SPICE TO IT AS POSSIBLE
AND IT JUST TASTES LIKE THE SPICE.
DID YOU INVEST YOUR MONEY FROM THE SHOW WISELY?
NO, IT PROBABLY JUST SAT IN MY BANK ACCOUNT
UNTIL I PAID RENT.
DID WE COVER AN ENTIRE MONTH'S RENT?
YES.
THAT IS INCREDIBLE.
DID YOU EVER IN A MILLION YEARS THINK
YOU DESERVED TO BE ON TOSH.0 TWICE?
NO.
IT'S LITERALLY THE LEAST I COULD DO.
WHO'S READY TO TALK MORE TOSH?
TOSH IS.
OUR NEXT GUEST WAS PLAYING A LITTLE HARD TO GET,
BUT WE FINALLY CONVINCED HER TO COME BACK ON THE SHOW.
PLEASE WELCOME THE SURPRISINGLY STRONG FANNY.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE THE TAPE OFF,
BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE NOT TO SCREAM.
OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
- HELP ME! HELP-- - OKAY, OKAY.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY HAS TO GO BACKSTAGE AND CALM DOWN FIRST.
OH, YOUR HAIR SMELLS SO GOOD. WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS THAT, A CLEMENTINE MIX, OR TANGERINE?
I'M SO BAD AT THIS GAME.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OUR FINAL GUEST SAID "BEANS AND CORNBREAD"
SIX TIMES IN A ROW,
AND EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK STANDUP COMEDIAN DARRELL BLUETT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
DARRELL, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW?
YEAH, TALKING TO YOU.
YOU LOOK AMAZING. WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
JUST EATING BEANS AND CORNBREAD.
- THAT'S IT? - YEAH.
DO YOU EVER GET SICK AND TIRED OF SAYING "BEANS AND CORNBREAD"?
NO, I THINK IT'S GREAT, 'CAUSE I LIKE THE ATTENTION.
HOW ARE THINGS GOING IN DARRELL BLUETT'S WORLD?
OH, IT'S GOING GREAT.
EVERYBODY KNOW ME BY "BEANS AND CORNBREAD."
EVEN THE POLICE EVEN IN MY HOMETOWN,
THEY SAY, "HOW YOU DOING, BEANS AND CORNBREAD?"
THE POLICE ARE NICE TO YOU, THOUGH?
OH, THEY REAL NICE TO ME.
OKAY, GOOD.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LOUIS C.K.'S LAST SPECIAL?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO LOUIS K IS.
HE'S NEW.
DO YOU EVER WATCH YOURSELF ON TV?
I'VE SEEN MYSELF ONE TIME
AND I SAID, "WHO'S THAT UGLY GUY?"
- YOU TALKING ABOUT ME? - ME.
OH.
[LAUGHS]
I THOUGHT YOU WERE--
I THOUGHT YOU WERE CALLING ME UGLY.
DARRELL, DO PEOPLE ASK YOU IF I'M GAY?
YES, THEY DO.
YOU TELL 'EM I GOT A GIRLFRIEND, RIGHT?
I TOLD 'EM, I SAID YOU GOT PLENTY OF GIRLFRIENDS.
THANK YOU.
THEY EVEN ASK ME IF I'M GAY SOMETIMES.
OKAY. WHAT?
THAT'S--ARE YOU?
I DON'T THINK I AM.
I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW?
I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, BUT I'M NOT GAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UPSET WITH ME.
HOW MANY GOOD MINUTES OF STANDUP DO YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW?
I CAN DO ABOUT 30 MINUTES.
WHAT'S THE RESPONSE BEEN?
THEY'VE BEEN LIKING IT.
THEY SAID I NEED TO WORK A LOT HARDER AND STUFF
AND COME UP WITH MORE MATERIAL AND STUFF.
I FEEL LIKE IF I GOT MY OWN IDEAS
AND I DO WHAT I SHOULD DO,
THEN I FEEL LIKE IT'LL BE MY MATERIAL
INSTEAD OF BEING SOMEBODY ELSE,
'CAUSE IT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
WANT TO TRY TO BE LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE,
LIKE EDDIE MURPHY OR RICHARD PRYOR
OR SOMEBODY LIKE THAT,
AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BE LIKE THEM.
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST TRYING TO BE MYSELF.
THE MATERIAL I GOT, I EXPERIENCED IT FOR MYSELF,
YOU KNOW, AND THEN I SEE THINGS MYSELF
AND I JUST USE THAT AS WHAT I SEE, YOU KNOW,
NOT SOMEBODY ELSE HAVE ALREADY SEEN
AND TRYING TO WORK ON THEY MATERIAL, YOU KNOW--
THIS IS THE LONGEST SENTENCE IN THE WORLD.
WHAT DID THEY MEXICANS SAY WHEN TWO HOUSES FELL ON 'EM?
THEY SAID, "OH!"
GET OFF ME, HOMES.
GET OFF ME-- THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
HOW ABOUT WHEN THE GUY WALKED IN THE ELEVATOR
AND HE ASKED THE LADY, "HEY, CAN I SMELL YOUR FEET?"
AND SHE SAID, "NO."
AND HE GOES, "OH, IT MUST BE YOUR PUSSY THEN."
OH.
- I AIN'T HEARD THAT ONE. - [TITTERS]
- KNOCK, KNOCK. - WHO'S THERE?
- ORANGE. - ORANGE WHO?
ORANGE YOU GLAD WE HAD YOU BACK?
DARRELL BLUETT, EVERYBODY.
WELL, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE
FOR TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF TT ON THE CC.
SO ON BEHALF OF DARRELL, FANNY, DAVE, PHIL, AND FANNY,
GOOD NIGHT, AND REMEMBER,
IF TOSH IS TALKING ABOUT IT,
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IT ON TALKIN' TOSH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WAVE, DARRELL.
LISTENING TO DARRELL BLUETT SPEAK
IS ONE OF MY FEW TRUE JOYS IN LIFE.