- I thought I was on an antidepressant.
It turns out I'm not.
It turns out I'm actually
on a mood stabilizer that they use as an antidepressant.
Fun fact about prescription drugs,
everything they prescribe,
they actually use for like four different things.
So you don't really know what your deal is
until you find a combo that works
and then Google all your pills by yourself.
(audience laughing)
So after years of trial and error
I finally found a combination of things that worked for me
and six months ago I decided to Google it
'cause what the hell?
And it turns out that everything I'm taking is
primarily used for bipolar disorder.
So I went back to my psychiatrist and I was like,
"Hey. (audience laughing)
Do we think?" (audience laughing)
And she was like, "Oh yeah." (audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
And I was like, "Is this how fucking you tell people?"
And she's like, "No, of course not, we didn't know.
I'm glad we figured it out."
And I was like, "We?" (audience laughing)
I said, "You really didn't know that I was bipolar?"
And she goes, "No, of course not.
We thought we were treating anxiety and depression."
And I said, "Okay
'cause this kind of feels like a
putting your dog's medication in cheese situation."
(audience laughing)
And I was like,
"I don't know how I feel about this diagnosis."
And she goes, "Well, if it makes you feel better
you don't have to say, 'I am bipolar,'
you can say, 'I have bipolar.'"
Which feels a lot like someone going,
"I said you were being a bitch."
(audience laughing)
- N***** have anxiety now.
You know how white a lady
you had to be to get anxiety before?
(audience laughing)
Now I could get it too, thanks Obama.
(audience laughing)
This is an incredible time.
I know a n**** who was diagnosed with depression,
I'm so proud of him. (audience laughing)
That's the most privileged disease of all.
White people hate when I say that shit.
(audience laughing)
I say depression is a privileged disease because
it implies your life is good enough
that you shouldn't be sad. (audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
That's not something black people could claim
for many years, I don't know if you guys are history buffs.
Imagine two slaves in a cotton field and one is like,
"Hey man, what's wrong? (audience laughing)
You seem down." (audience laughing)
- I read all these articles
and it's saying people are getting clinically depressed
'cause they're looking at other people's lives
on social media and they start to think
that their life pales in comparison.
Calm down.
First of all, no one has a great life.
No one, no one.
They are posting their best moments
with a filter to make you feel shitty.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
Look at us at the Eiffel Tower.
Suck it, guys. (audience laughing)
Yeah, they don't show 'em for three hours
stuck at baggage claim, right?
Or sitting in the hotel for five days
'cause the husband's got diarrhea
from a French tart he shouldn't have eaten.
Yeah, that's happening too, trust me.
And if your friend is douchey enough to post 50 pictures
of their Hawaiian vacation while they know you're at work,
don't get depressed, get even.
Start posting pictures of you at their house.
(audience laughing)
Bob just peed in the pool, L-O-L.
(audience laughing)
Sorry about all the people,
might wanna change the sheets when you get back.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, I am someone who has a lot of anxiety
and it is weird that anxiety is finally on message.
Like if you're an anxious person, it's kind of like,
well you know, this is what we trained for.
Like this is our Olympics.
It's like all those nights awake, like it's showtime.
You know? All the scenarios at once.
Yeah, I am, I have some anxiety,
I also have some depression.
I kinda like to do, you know, anxiety for the week,
depression on the weekends, like they both have custody.
(audience laughing)
But I recently started a new medication and it's working,
but it has a side effect I didn't know about.
I get terrible dry mouth,
which, you know, perfect for this line of work, but
it did make me realize that a lot of medications
are kind of like Greek myths.
Like you, the mortal, you get what you want,
but there's always like a cost you're not being told about.
It's always like, oh yeah,
you'll be more fun to hang out with.
But whenever you try to talk to people,
dust will fly outta your mouth.
(audience laughing)
- You know what one of the upsides of COVID might be,
I hope, is empathy for mental health stuff, right?
Because everybody was isolated
and human beings don't do well with isolation.
We still got cave brains, right?
So we think if we're isolated
that the tribe is rejecting us and that,
and then we start picking away at ourselves and
finding fault that aren't there and
basically our mental health declines, right?
So I hope in the future that people have empathy
when someone else someone says like,
"I'm depressed or anxious."
They'll go like, "Oh yeah, I remember that."
Because for a lot of us, we felt isolated our whole lives.
And the other thing I'll say,
one of the things I didn't mind about COVID was
that we could all just chill a little bit with work.
Like we could put the sword down a little bit.
If you achieve something during COVID, cool,
if not also cool.
Like the only people
who accomplished anything during COVID to me
were Bo Burnham, (audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Amazon.com, (audience laughing)
and the 1998 Chicago Bulls somehow.
(audience laughing and applauding)
They like won again, right?
But it was nice to chill out a little bit,
but then as soon as the world opened up,
I was back comparing myself to other comedians
and seeing who was doing whose podcast
and who did what venue and how many tickets they sold.
And am I too old to be on TikTok?
Can a person do lip sync videos
and be on cholesterol medication?
(audience laughing)
- (laughs) No, I'm all right.
I got a therapist recently. (audience laughing)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(audience cheering and applauding)
You have to guys, you do, like...
Well like, if you're gonna complain
as much as I complain,
unfortunately you do have to get one, like, yeah.
I feel like my friends were starting to be like,
"You should pay someone to do what you expect of us."
(audience laughing) I was like, "Oh, okay."
I found this therapist and he's really smart
and we Zoom and he said something interesting where he said,
"Remember, you are not the feeling like,
sure, you feel consumed by the feeling,
but you are not the feeling."
And he said, "Within you, and within everyone
there's like a very still neutral, eternal self
and, you know, you experience the feelings,
but you're you're not consumed by them."
And he said, "Rather than
identifying so much with the feel,
like I'm anxious, I'm this," he said,
"Don't be consumed by the feeling.
Just observe the feelings as they come with curiosity."
(audience laughing)
Have you heard that before?
Apparently, that's the,
so I think you're just supposed to be like, "Huh."
(audience laughing)
I'm experiencing
rage. (audience laughing)
How curious. (audience laughing)
- This is the thing,
I have very bad anxiety
and so like loud voices make me crazy
and I was at a store the other day
and these two girls were having a conversation
and I could not believe what it sounded like.
This is literally what is sounded like.
They were like, "Oh my God, Chelsea,
you're not gonna believe it, but like,
I was on Instagram the other day
and I posted the most amazing video
because I go into Sephora and I got my makeup done
and it was like unbelievable because I looked so good
and like nobody commented and nobody did anything.
And I couldn't believe it because I looked so amazing.
Like, everyone's upset about the war,
but like the war and like the isn't happening here,
so like, who cares about the war?
I don't care war."
(Speaking gibberish)
And the other girl's like,
"Oh my God you shoulda called me or texted me,
I'm your best friend, like, how."
(Speaking gibberish)
So I killed them, I fucking killed them.
I know. I did. (audience cheering)
I killed them. (audience applauding)
Because I don't think you realize this,
but these girls aren't going anywhere.
That's who's gonna be in our country,
like they're staying here,
they're gonna have jobs.
Like your kids are gonna go to school
and go walk into math class.
"Oh my god, girls, welcome math class.
This gonna be so exciting."
(Speaking gibberish)
"Algebra, it's gonna be amazing."
Like you're gonna go to a therapist that talks like that.
You're gonna walk in and be like,
"Hi, I am just really anxious."
"Oh my God, you're anxious, that's so horrible.
I haven't been feeling well at all.
I haven't even been able to swallow.
Oh my God, I met the cutest guy the other day
and I swallowed his load.
I was like, 'oh,' (audience cheering)
I swallowed this load and it's been really hard for me too."
(audience cheering)
- Well, in addition to the OCD
I also have a little social anxiety
but I force myself to go to parties and stuff,
but there are things people do that bug me.
(audience laughing)
I don't like when somebody pronounces a word differently
than everybody else to try to sound smart.
Just say it like everybody else.
(audience laughing)
I'm at this party, I walk into this group of strangers.
First thing I hear this guy goes,
"Another thing about 'Jengus' Khan."
I'm like, "Oh geez." (audience laughing)
I already don't like this guy. (audience laughing)
I go, "Oh, Genghis Khan?"
"It was actually pronounced 'Jengus'."
(audience laughing) Oh, oh, oh.
I'm guessing you were there at the time?
You and the Jeng-man pallin' around town.
So I wanted to sound smart.
So I was like, "Oh, 'Jengus' Khan, the Mongolian emperor.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering and applauding)
Wasn't he the concurer of Chena?
(audience laughing)
Well, I felt this little circle tighten on me.
I've done just been ostracized.
(audience laughing)
Walk up to this second group
and I don't know what to do when somebody
says something I don't agree with.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do as a person,
I've always grappled with that.
I walk up, this woman says,
"Animals are smarter than people."
I'm like, "Oh, geez." (audience laughing)
I just got here. (audience laughing)
- I was actually having a panic attack when I proposed.
Why not? What a time to be alive.
(audience laughing)
But Jenna said this thing that she always says to me
when I'm having a bit of a meltdown, right?
She said, "Don't panic." (audience laughing)
Which on its own's bullshit, don't say that.
If you see someone having a panic attack, don't go,
"You're panicking?
Have you tried not?"
Like, that's bullshit. (audience laughing)
But it's what Jenna says next that brings it home.
She says, "Don't panic, who do you wanna be?"
And my brain hears that and it's like, oh,
because in my brain when I'm having a panic attack,
I'm going, "What do I do?
What do I do? What should I do?
What am I supposed to do? What's the right thing to do?
What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do?" And she said, "Stop.
Who. Who do you want to be?"
And my brain hears that and just goes,
"Oh, a game. (audience laughing)
I love games, panic's over."
I am that simple. (audience laughing)
- When I got money, I went to therapy.
(audience cheering and applauding)
Woo, I found out I had anxiety and depression. (laughs)
(everyone laughing)
All my life I just thought I was poor.
(everyone laughing)
Oh, like, of course I'm sad, I'm fucking hungry, no.
(audience laughing) You're depressed.
The doctor gave me medicine and now I'm happy all the time.
(everyone laughing)
I love telling people I'm depressed, you know why?
'Cause that's a rich word. (audience laughing)
You have to spend a lot of money
to find out you're depressed. (audience laughing)
Some people like struggle with depression.
I thrive in it. (audience laughing)
I tell everybody, "Aha, I'm depressed, mm."
(audience laughing)
My family thinks I show off.
I'm depressed.
Ay, mira, show off, okay.
Oh, I can afford therapy.
- I meet so many people, okay?
I meet way more people than you.
It's not even close, so
here's the thing, people usually say nice things to me,
you know, they're like, "Oh, thanks for coming.
I had a good time."
Conversations naturally will turn
and I'll ask somebody, "Oh, what do you do?"
Do you know what I hear like 98% of the time?
They'll be like, it fucking sucks, I hate it.
And then I go, "Oh, why don't you do something else?"
And they'll go, "It's too late, my life's fucked,
It's good to meet you man," and they walk away.
Yeah, that sits in my head.
So I think about it, but I have advice
and this is the advice
that I hope you leave with, all right?
This is it, you just need to learn
to do one thing really well and it's this.
You'll need to learn to manage your expectations.
It's not an innate thing you're born with.
It's a skill.
If you work at it, you'll get good at it.
And the more you manage your expectations,
you'll feel more fulfilled, less depressed, happier overall.
I'll share with you my life's greatest disappointment,
which in retrospect is my fault,
I didn't know it at the time, I do now.
And I'm gonna tell you it's gonna be
upsetting to some people,
but hopefully we can use it as a learning tool.
So here's what it is, all right?
(sighs) I think that 69ing is overrated and it sucks.
(audience cheering and applauding)
Yeah, yeah, you see that? Some people clap
and some people are like, arrest this man.
But listen, (audience laughing)
the story of why is more important.
Do you remember when you first heard about it? I do.
I was in third grade and that's too young, all right?
One of the older kids told me, and I was like, "What?
At the same time?"
I almost had a seizure, I didn't know what he was saying.
I didn't even have references
so I could pretend like I understood.
I was like, "That's like eating a cheeseburger
covered in ice cream while you're taking a shit."
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "That's exactly what it's like."
From that day on, I was hooked.
When I tell you I was obsessed, I was obsessed.
I'm not saying it for a story.
It is all I talked about, thought about, dreamt about,
sung about, joked about, 69, 69, 69, 69.
Every notebook in school, I was like 69, 69, 69, 69.
Every sports team I was on, I was like, "I'm number 69!"
(audience laughing)
And they're like, "This is fifth grade basketball.
Why don't you chill out, buddy?"
Every birthday, every Christmas, my dad would go,
"What do you want?"
I go, "I want to 69."
He goes, "Shut up and stop saying that."
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "No," defiant, "No!"
69, 69, it's gonna be the best.
Be the best, be the best, be the best, be the best.
69, it's gonna be like smoking meth outta God's dick,
I wanna do it, I wanna do it, I wanna do it.
(audience laughing)
And I built it up and I built it up and I built it up.
And when I finally got to do it, I finally got to do it.
You know what the first thing I said was,
"Get off me, all right?" (audience laughing)
(smooth pop music)