You enjoyed a few parts of one
and some parts of the other.
But when 2 popcorn movies are so aggressively OK,
there's only enough to say about them to make one Honest Trailer.
"Hahahahaha!
Oh, you're being serious?"
Don't get mad we doubled these up. You know you went to see Black Panther instead anyway.
Prepare for 2 perfectly fine, moderately entertaining films
that exist for the least exciting reasons:
Time Warner's legal department acquired an established IP from Paramount
and Comcast accountants noticed one of their movies overperformed in China
instead of, you know,
someone had a new story to tell or something to say about the world or-
Yeah, I know, I sound like my grandpa.
I'll just be in the shed.
Suit up with 2 leads working their butts off to make these franchises a thing
as they both battle severe daddy issues
and Japanese McGuffins
in 2 films that start with fun opening sequences,
descend into by-the-numbers action,
and end with a tease for a sequel that'll probably never come.
"Tell them next time, we're gonna come for them."
"I'll take 2."
I'm good with one, thanks.
Now that Oscar winner Guillermo del Toro, Ron Perlman, and Charlie Hunnam are gone,
we're left with Pacific Finn,
a reluctant mentor to the next generation.
Very reluctant.
"Shut up, shut up!"
"I can't do that if you're yapping your gums."
"Your top lip and your bottom lip, they need to meet and become friends!"
"What record?"
"Shut up."
When he's sent secret information from a dead family member,
he'll need to team up with an assortment of heroic Chinese people
"Sending help!
Transport inbound!"
to save the world in super impractical robot battles
that are so insanely destructive,
there won't be much of a world left to live in either way.
"How many buildings can this thing take?"
Now that Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, and Lawrence Gordon are gone,
we're left with Lara Croftfit,
an orphan who gets in over her head.
Way over her head.
[Screaming]
When she's sent secret information from a dead family member,
she'll team up with an assortment of heroic Chinese people,
then save the world in a super impractical tomb
that's so generic,
you'll wish they left her as Lara Croft: Grubbed-Up Delivery Biker.
You know, anyone can raid a tomb.
Getting chipotle from Midtown to the Bronx in 20 minutes or less?
Now that is exciting.
But no 2 blockbusters are exactly alike.
Gone is the female objectification from the first Tomb Raider
while Pacific Rim picks up the slack,
"Eyes front, Pentecost."
and one has a villain too drab to be intersting
while the other has a villain too silly to be believed,
"I'm ending the world."
where Uprising would've been better if it was more grounded in reality
while Tomb Raider would've been better with a little more fun.
Or 3 big dinosaurs or...
something.
So the next time all the new releases are checked out of Redbox
or you accidentally leave FX on on a Sunday afternoon,
you can't go wrong settling on the movie based on the video game that was trying to look like the movie
or the movie trying as hard as it possibly can to look like a video game.
Either way,
you're gonna have an O...
K...
time.
Eh, these days, OK would do just fine.
That sounds like a parody name, but nope, his name is actually Burn Gorman.
We're not the only ones who crossed Tomb Raider with another movie.
The poster mixed it with Jurassic Park.
"Alan!"