Hey.
It's Clayton Olson.
And in this video, we're going to talk about the seven roles – the seven archetypes that
you may unknowingly be playing that both attract and sabotage love from going deeper with a
man.
Now the purpose of this video is not to shame you.
It's not to blame you and say that you're doing something wrong.
In fact, the purpose of this video is designed to bring mindfulness and awareness to your
own unconscious patterns so that you can sidestep any sabotage.
You can sidestep playing any games that are stopping you from connecting deeper and having
a real heartfelt impact on the men that you interact with.
Now as I go through this, I'm going to talk about these roles in a couple of different
lights.
I'm going to talk about why they work.
I'm going to talk about how they actually attract men and I'm also going to touch on
the reasons why if you stay entrenched in this unconscious archetype and you don't know
that you're in it, how it can sabotage our relationship as well.
And then I'll offer a little solution as to how to escape out of the archetype, if you
can identify with any of these.
Now this is a work in progress.
Meaning that I created a little while back and I'm slowly refining it and I would love
to get some feedback from you.
I'd love to hear any comments below this video of how some of these roles might apply to
your own life, and any questions that you have are highly encouraged.
So, if this is the first time you're seeing me on camera, I also want to encourage you
to subscribe to my channel where you can get more dating and relationship advice.
And also, if you like what you're hearing in this video, you find it particularly intriguing,
I want to encourage you to sign up for the free webinar that I've got going on if you
haven't already.
So, let's dive into this first role.
The first unconscious role that you might be playing is the Ball Buster.
Now let's talk about the good thing of the ball buster.
What is the ball buster and why is it attractive?
Well, the ball buster is the woman that is taking jabs at the guy.
The ball buster may be sarcastic.
She's got a really highly refined sense of humor or maybe it's even just crass but it's
funny.
It's a way of breaking through a guy's defenses.
Being authentic calling them on his crap.
It can be challenging.
It can be funny.
It can be sassy and it can keep a guy on his toes.
It can inspire playfulness and passion and a sense of authenticity in the relationship.
However, if you begin to disconnect from the respect that you have towards the guy and
it starts becoming a control tactic, or a way to keep him at bay and deflect intimacy,
it can become something that is emasculating.
It can become disabling.
It can be sarcastic or diminishing to him and the impact that men experience when they
are in the presence of a ball buster is that he will begin to withdraw.
He'll start to feel like he's being disrespected.
And he'll shut down and start to have feelings of inadequacy and anger because he can't get
close to you or break through you're very, say, heightened defense system as a ball buster.
So, here's the thing when you are entrenched in this role – in this unconscious role
of ball busting men, what types of guys do you think you attract?
Well, you're going to end up attracting men that are dominators, conquestor men.
Men that are actually untrustworthy and probably deserve the ball busting.
Guys that are more interested in winning in the relationship, rather than actually connecting
and men that are just as unavailable as their reflection which is the ball buster.
So, the origin of this archetype – where this archetype comes online as a protective
mechanism is from childhood and some type of deep distrust towards men.
There's a wanting to get even, maybe even a spitefulness, so it's something to examine
if you find yourself identifying with this ball buster role.
Let's move on to role number two.
Role number two is the Mother.
Now why on earth would any man find the mother attractive?
Well, the mother is nurturing.
The mother is loving.
She's a soft place to land.
She's emotionally protective and she's intuitive.
She can be a caretaker as well and sometimes in relationships it's wonderful to feel like
you're being taken care of whether you're a man or a woman.
Now, the mother provides a safe place for men to let down their guards and let that
child part of themselves out, which they might not have any other territory in their life
to be able to do, and this is what makes the mother so attractive.
However and unfortunately, when the mother is entrenched in this role, when you are unconsciously
entrenched in the mother archetype, it's typically because you're afraid of losing control.
It’s typically because you do not want to be dominated by the guy and so what happens
it becomes emasculating because there's no room in this game for him to actually be a
man if you are his mother.
So, he's essentially forced into playing the role of being a boy and this becomes a subtle
form of domination in the relationship because there's a parent-child relationship that continually
gets reinforced.
So, the relationship is thrown off kilter fully because it's not a partnership that
has an equal respect of power on both sides.
Now, what type of man does the mother attract?
Well, she attracts weak men.
She attracts men that want to act like children.
Men that don't want to take responsibility for anything.
You might have heard the archetype of the Peter Pan guy, right?
The guy that doesn't want any responsibility in the world and just wants to play.
And these are the types of men that are attracted to a woman that is in the mother archetype
because she gets to continue to play that role and he continues to not have to take
responsibility for his life.
Alright.
Let's move on to number three which is the Femme Fatale.
So, the femme fatale, what is attractive about her?
Well, this might be an obvious one.
She embodies sexuality.
She knows how to get men activate in a core physical level.
She's seductive and she knows how to meet a guy's primal needs as well as her own.
She's a master at teasing and building desire.
Now, those actions in and of themselves are not the destructive part what becomes destructive
is when she is using sex as a weapon or a form of manipulation and control; when she's
either using it to hook him or she's withholding it from him as a punishment reward system.
So, it's the intention to manipulate and have power over, rather than have true connection
and intimacy that is the problem.
And again, whenever there's a power play involved like this you're no longer playing on the
same team as your guy.
So, the impact is begins to have on men is they start to resent you and in some strange
way they start to feel like they're trapped in the relationship because they're stuck
in this weird cycle.
So, men that are familiar with this type of dynamic are the ones that are attracted to
it.
So, guys that are womanisers.
Men that are sex addict.
Men that are players typically enter into this type of game with women that are femme
fatales.
And the origin of this belief – the origin, excuse me, of this role is a deep belief that
sex is the only thing that the femme fatale offers.
It's the only thing that she thinks she actually has a value.
It's her one plain piece so she uses it to gain control and move herself into position
to have power in the relationship.
And so, the place to work here is to realize that sex is not your only value to a man and
so begin to bust that belief which I'll talk about how you can do that a little bit later
in the video.
Alright.
So, let's talk about role four which is the Chameleon.
And the chameleon just like the name says, she's a master at becoming what she thinks
the man wants.
And the positive about this is that she makes a man feel like he is making an impact on
her because she adopts his value system and it makes things very easy in the relationship.
And now, why is this positive?
Well, there's a researcher – a relationship researcher named John Gottman who says that
one of the most powerful indicators of a long-term relationship is whether or not partners can
allow themselves to be influenced by each other.
And the chameleon has this skill in spades.
Now the bad part about this, how the sense of sabotaging love if she stays entrenched
is that if she goes too far, she loses herself in the relationship; and rather, she never
brings her authentic self to the interaction.
The impact is that the guy starts to lose trust in her because he's no longer in relationship
with a real person.
Because her value system has disappeared he's rather in a relationship with this shape-shifting
phantom that becomes whatever she thinks she wants.
And so the impact is that he starts to feel alone and he may even begin to test her by
being mean or somehow trying to cross her boundaries in some ways just to see if she
actually has any substance or boundaries.
And the origin of this is that the chameleon believes that she herself, if she brings her
real self to the relationship it's gonna be too much for him.
And that she has to be a certain way in order to be loved.
And this typically comes from a home where perhaps she was rewarded or punished based
on how she felt emotionally.
So, who does the chameleon attract if she is unconsciously in this role?
Well, she may end up attracting the narcissist.
The guy that is completely okay with everything being about him all the time.
Now, this is a dangerous cycle of being and if you are identifying with this role, the
way to begin to break it is to stop seeking an outcome from the relationship like marriage,
children, or financial security.
I understand those are things that you may want but based on how attached you are and
how much you want them over say, wanting a loving partnership ,this can have you begin
to betray yourself and possibly slide into the role of the chameleon if you're already
having a hard time feeling loved for who you are.
This role breaking free of this is about finding your authentic self.
Alright.
So, let's talk about role five, the Damsel in Distress.
There's a real reason why men love to rescue the damsel in distress and it's because this
role evokes a man's hero.
It gives a man purpose.
Some type of relational direction because the damsel is embodying something in a really
powerful element in a relationship which is she embodies vulnerability; which is, she's
actually in need and she's able to express that need and therefore it sets this game
up where the guy has a clear path of what he can do to win or so he thinks.
Now, the bad part of this what happens if she stays entrenched in the damsel is that
she may begin to use this vulnerability to a place where it starts to rot.
And she can take on the identity of being a victim, where nothing can actually save
her not even her guy.
And what ends up happening to the guy if he's in relationship with this is he starts to
feel inadequate.
He starts to feel drained.
He starts to feel alone and that not nothing he can do can fix her.
And the worst part about this is not just that, it's that he actually never gets to
retire his role as the hero, right?
So, he gets stuck in this role and there's no room then for him to be vulnerable or get
support from her.
So, the origin of this is there's typically a deep belief within the damsel that a man
will save her and that she can't do it herself because she's not good enough.
So, who does she attract if she doesn't actually work on this?
Well, she attracts the co-dependent rescuer, the nice guy, maybe the guy who already has
this sense of wanting to be a hero because he feels insecure and he needs a project to
work on in order to get his significance.
And that's not really a relationship that just becomes a project than a one-sided project
that almost always ends in heartbreak and resentment.
Alright.
Let's talk about rule number six the Princess.
The good, she's picky.
She's a challenge.
She inspires a man to want to claim her.
In her healthy form, she has high standards and a presence that says, “prove yourself
to me,” but if she gets entrenched in this identity these high standards can mutate into
a sense of entitlement.
A thought that men should come before her and compete and serve her to give her what
she wants.
Ultimately, she's looking for someone that will turn her into a trophy wife.
She's more interested, and this is key, in being admired rather than actually being loved.
Now, who does she attract she attracts men that are looking to show off a woman, rather
than actually connect with them.
Men that match her level of emotional emptiness are the men that come into her life.
A man that looks deeper than our physical appearance won't be attracted to the princess
because they don't want to play that game.
The way out of this role, if you can relate to it is through humility and generosity.
It's to keep the high standards of the princess but to look for a king where there can be
mutual serving and generosity that is no longer one-sided.
Alright.
So, rule seven is the Businesswoman.
Now, I love this one because the businesswoman on the surface excels in having boundaries.
Clear communication about what's hers and what's his.
And there's a certain strength and respect to a quality that is important in relationship.
However, if the businesswoman is stuck in this role unconsciously this shadow starts
to creep up.
And the shadow is that the boundaries become a tool to de-escalate intimacy emerging rather
than promote connection and intimacy.
The businesswoman is the one that is constantly splitting the check during dinner.
She wants to make sure that she's not indebted in any way to the man that she's with.
The relationship becomes a transaction rather than a playground for generosity and giving.
And there's very little emerging because there's a hyper focus on independence, rather than
interdependence.
And the truth is that there is a certain level of risk and a certain level of reliance that
is necessary to make a relationship work.
So, to escape this role she must begin to rely on her partner.
She must begin to give generously and learn to receive generously as well in order to
take the relationship to a deeper level.
Because if she doesn't the impact is the man will feel that he's not trusted and he'll
also feel, and quite noticeably see, that she's not actually investing in the relationship.
Alright.
So, those are the seven roles that you may unconsciously be playing that both attract
and sabotage love from deepening with a man.
If you found this helpful, if you feel like you can identify with any of these roles,
post below.
Please share this video.
Like it, perhaps, share it with a friend that you think would benefit.
And I want to invite you very clearly and directly to a webinar that a fellow coach
Jack Butler and I are putting on called the Three Keys To Attracting And Keeping A High
Quality Man.
It is some of the best content that I've produced in the last year.
And it really dives into not only the male mind but also the things that you can do on
your side of the fence that clear the runway for a devoted long-term relationship with
a high-quality man to occur in your life.
So, go ahead and click on the link below this video.
It's in the description.
Register for a time that works for you and I look forward to seeing you on the other
side.
Thanks.