(crowd laughing softly)
- I saw that we
decriminalized weed in New York.
(crowd whistles and cheers) (clapping)
I do feel like, though,
we should stop
calling olive weed, weed.
(crowd laughing)
And now we have like eight levels
of weed deeper than anyone has ever had before.
That needs a new name.
You know, like, my friend took an edible,
and then just leaned in the corner for 30 minutes
(crowd laughing)
because he thought he was a glass of orange juice
(loud laughter)
and he didn't wanna spill himself.
That is not weed, sir.
(crowd laughs)
- I used to be a pothead.
I used to smoke weed all day, every day, and
I beat weed, I won and
(mild laughter)
my prize is I'm 37 and I have roommates,
so kind of a shitty prize.
(crowd laughs)
Nobody's gonna ever tell you that you have a weed problem.
Your rock bottoms are way different.
My rock bottom with alcohol,
very obvious, like,
sixth arrest, I tried
to fight the cops, I didn't have pants on.
I was like, "I gotta get my life together.
"I gotta "get some pants if I'm ever
gonna defeat these cops."
(crowd laughs)
Your rock bottom with weed is just like,
one day you eat all the Parmesan cheese.
(crowd laughs)
And you're like, "I gotta get my life together,
"and get more Parmesan cheese."
(crowd laughs)
My roommate is a pothead.
He asked me one night, he's like,
"Do you,
do you like the Grateful Dead?"
And I was like, "No."
(crowd laughs)
And he was like, "Well have you ever seen them live?"
(mild laughter)
I'm like, "Why the (beep) would I see them live,
(crowd laughs loudly)
"if I don't like them?"
He's like, "You gotta see 'em live, dude, you
"gotta see 'em live."
I'm like, "Why, because you get (beep) up
"and go see them live?
"I'd rather drop acid and go to Chuck E. Cheese."
(crowd laughs)
Have you ever been to Chuck E. Cheese on acid?
Have you ever seen that band live?
(crowd laughs)
You haven't lived 'till you see a rat rip a guitar solo.
I'll tell you what - no, no,
I'm going all in on this one.
(crowd laughing)
- I think I have a plan that could fix this country.
I think that we should have a tax
that's just for hot people, you know.
If you're super hot, I think you should have
to pay an extra tax.
'Cause I don't think anybody would be mad, you know.
Like, if you got a letter in the mail
that was like, "You have to pay the hot people tax,"
(mild laughter)
you'd be be like, "Oh, hell yeah, alright,
(crowd laughing)
'Bout time!
(laughter)
'Bout time the government saw
what I was doing out here!
(crowd laughing)
- I love watching
"The Bachelorette".
I love watching people more miserable than I am.
It feels so good.
(crowd laughs softly)
I just can't believe how many
of these people still wanna get married.
All my friends are married and most of them go
on date night, aww,
isn't that cute when married people go
on date night?
It means they're having problems.
(crowd laughs)
Do you know how you know dating is more fun
than being married?
People who date don't have married night (chuckles).
(crowd laughs) Um...
- The study out this week says
that garbage TV actually lowers people's IQs,
which really did cheer me up,
'cause I thought
intelligence was largely hereditary
but now I know that fans of "The Bachelor" get
what they deserve.
(cheering) (laughing)
And the study also said that people who booed at
that joke are stupid.
(crowd laughs)
(laughter)
It's almost like they don't know it's a comedy show.
You know?
(crowd laughs loudly)
It's been so hot.
I feel like this is the kind of weather
that will like, force you to love yourself.
(mild giggling)
You know what I mean?
Like, sometimes when I be goin' out, I be like,
"Oh, I wanna look better, I'm gonna put on spanks."
But in this weather, I be like, "You know what?
"This is the body God gave me, this is--
(crowd laughs)
"Makeup? M-m. This is my face, this is the face,
that God wanted me to show the world.
"Who am I--
(crowd laughs)
Who am I to mock the Lord, who I am I?"
(crowd laughs)
I live with a millennial.
Pray for me.
(crowd laughs)
My brother is 15 years younger than me.
He moved in with me.
Every day, I wish I dropped him.
(crowd laughs)
(she laughs quietly)
Every day he makes me feel like I'm a bad person, right?
He's always checking me about things
that I didn't know were now out of Vogue.
One day he walks in, we're having a conversation.
He's just like, "I'm going to this bar around the corner."
And I know that this bar is a gay bar, so I was like,
"Oh, look at you going to a gay bar,
"that's so progressive."
He goes, "Chloe, uh uh, uh uh, we don't,
we don't say gay, anymore.
"We say queer."
Now, I feel like a old lady 'cause I grew up
with queer being a derogatory term.
You didn't call somebody queer
unless you was ready to fight.
(crowd laughs softly)
So now I'm, I'm , I'm puzzled,
(crowd laughing softly)
'cause I'm looking at my 23 year-old millennial brother
like, "W-w-w-where did you broke mother (beep) get their
"PR budget,
(crowd laughing)
(laughter)
to spin this word around?"
Do you understand?
(crowd laughing)
Another day he walks into the living room.
He has on a peach T-shirt.
He goes, "Chloe, what do you think about this shirt?
"Is it too feminine?"
I'm like, "No, it's a regular peach T-shirt."
He goes, "Trick question, gender's fluid."
(crowd laughing) Get out of my house!
- This kid won three million
dollars in a FortNite video game tournament,
and I for one am just so happy to see
that these suburban rich white kids are finally
getting their due.
(crowd laughing)
I mean, it's about time.
How are they gonna ever move out of the cul de sac
and get their own town home otherwise?
(crowd laughs)
They need this.
(laughter)
These kids are working (chuckling) hard.
I saw this kid interviewed.
"How did you win?"
"Well, you just really gotta put in the hours and grind."
That's what he said, "You have to grind."
(laughter)
That's what he called (laughing),
hiding out in his parents' (giggling) basement,
(laughter)
live streaming on "Twitch" and avoiding chores.
(crowd laughs)
- I think I might have to be President some day.
Who's voting
for me, anybody?
(crowd cheers and claps) Wow.
A lot of winners here, tonight, a lot
of winners here tonight.
Any questions about my presidential platform?
Any issues,
(laughter)
you would like me to discuss?
Any questions at all?
- [Man In Crowd] Space Force.
- Space Force.
First of all, happy eighth Birthday.
Great question.
(crowd laughs loudly)
(cheering)
You know, we're gonna, we're gonna
get you a dirt bike after the show, so,
(crowd laughs)
you and your buddies can have great adventures all summer.
We'll, we'll throw in a couple
of walkie-talkies too, so you could solve local mysteries
in your town.
(crowd laughing)
I've been to every planet, dude.
We don't need a Space Force.
It's so boring out there.
I was up Mars, last week.
Hot, dry,
dull.
Matt Damon's there, all alone, hanging out,
(laughter)
it's like, "Matt, not right now, dude.
"I've gotta run."
(crowd laughs)
(intense music)