-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, Alaska Airlines is still trying to figure out
what went wrong after the door blew out
on one of their recent flights,
and I saw that they're now giving every passenger
who was on the plane a full refund and $1,500.
Yeah, they're like,
"Yeah, go get yourself some nice therapy for yourself.
Talk to someone."
$1,500.
Alaska Airlines was like, "$1,500 may not sound like much,
but that's what we paid for the plane, so..."
Oh, don't worry, they're also giving the kid
who got his shirt blown off a $10 gift card to Old Navy.
So it's alright. It's all taken care of.
Speaking of airlines, a United flight from Florida
had to make an emergency landing
after an open door indicator light turned on.
Meanwhile, on Spirit, indicator lights
are how they illuminate the cabin.
It's never good when the in-flight entertainment
is your life flashing before your eyes.
You guys been keeping up with the big Tesla recall?
Did you hear about this?
It's not good. Take a look at this.
-Tesla recalling nearly every vehicle sold
in the U.S., amounts to more than 2 million vehicles.
The recall follows a two-year investigation
by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.
-Wait, what?
Oh, man. I drive a Tesla.
-Oh, geez. I'm sorry about that, Tariq.
-I had no idea,
but thank God I still have my trusty Chrysler.
-Oh.
-Oh, what, Jimmy?
-Roll the clip.
-More than 142,000 Chrysler vehicles are being recalled
due to problems with headlights and turn signals.
-Aw, come on.
-I'm sorry about that, Tariq.
-How am I supposed to get around this weekend?
I promised my wife I'd pick up a new air fryer.
-More than 300,000 air fryers are under a recall
because of a burn risk.
-Are you kidding me? -I'm really sorry, Tariq.
Hopefully your luck takes a turn soon.
-Man, I'm already on edge because I'm doing Dry January.
I just bought, like,
2,000 cases of Diet Coke, Sprite and Fonta Orange.
-You mean Fanta Orange?
-No, Fonta Orange.
-Recall alert.
Coca Cola is recalling nearly 2,000 cases
of Diet Coke, Sprite, and "Fonta" Orange.
-Why does this keep happening to me?
-Look, this is rough. You know what?
You should treat yourself. What's your favorite snack?
-Well, I enjoy certain applesauce products.
I really love those packets
of Wana Bana Apple Cinnamon Fruit Puree.
-Nationwide recall of certain applesauce products.
The case is linked to a packet of
Wana Bana Apple Cinnamon Fruit Puree.
-That's it. I give up.
[ Cheers and applause ] No, no. You can't!
You can't give up.
-Yes, yes I can. What do I even have left?
Just some Quaker Oats?
[ Coughing ] Excuse my cough.
I have more than two dozen
of the granola bars and granola cereal.
-Recall alert that you want to hear
before you eat breakfast this morning.
Quaker Oats. [ Coughing ] Excuse my cough.
They are recalling more than two dozen of
the granola bars and granola cereal.
-Man, this is so stressful.
It's official. 2024 is the worst year ever.
-Whoa. Hold on, hold on a second.
Because you know what helps some people de-stress?
-What?
-Tariq, weed is legal now. Why don't you try...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Why don't you try a cannabis project -- product, rather?
-The Office of Cannabis Management
has issued the state's first recall
for a cannabis project -- product, rather.
-Well, let's just talk after the show.
Tariq Trotter, everybody.
We'll talk afterwards.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, did you guys know this?
Today is the second Friday of January,
which is known as "Quitter's Day"
for New Year's resolutions.
But I'm an overachiever. I quit yesterday.
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
[ Applause ]
I heard about a 92-year-old woman in Utah
who has been named the world's oldest water skier.
She either broke the record, or there's a boat out there
just dragging an old woman.
I'll check on that and come back.
And finally, the NFL playoffs start this weekend,
and tomorrow night, the Miami Dolphins will face off
against the Kansas City Chiefs.
Now...
[ Cheering ]
As you know, at the end of every season,
they give out awards like Most Valuable Player,
but they also give out awards during the playoffs.
I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for "Tonight Show"' Superlatives.
-♪ "Tonight Show" Superlatives ♪
♪♪
Our first player is from the Chiefs.
It is Patrick Mahomes.
He was voted...
"He looks nice, honey. He looks fun.
Let him in. Let him in."
Next up from the Dolphins is Tua Tagovailoa.
Next up from the Chiefs is Creed Humphrey.
He's pretty cute.
Up next from the Dolphins is Ethan Bonner.
-Wow. -What?
-They give an award for that? -Yes.
Next up from the Chiefs is Blaine Gabbert.
"I got 150. I'm going for 151. Give me one of those snakes."
Next up for the Chiefs is Austin Reiter.
And finally, from the Chiefs is Travis Kelce.
[ Cheering ]
There you have it. Those are your superlatives.
We have a great show. Kevin Hart is here!
Dan Levy is joining us!
And we have stand-up comedy from Zarna Garg.
Let me go write some thank you notes. Come on over.
♪♪
-Today is Friday.
That's usually when I catch up on some personal stuff.
I check my inbox and return some emails,
and of course, I send out thank you notes.
And I was just running a bit behind.
Would you guys mind?
Can I write out some thank you notes right now?
Is that okay?
James, can I get
some thank you note-writing music, please?
[ Peaceful music plays ]
Thank you.
[ Scattered laughter ]
Thank you,
champagne glasses,
for being a wine glass
that kept their New Year's resolution.
Looking good, looking good.
[ Gentle music plays ]
Thank you, wood letter blocks,
or as I call you, "baby's first Wordle."
[ Applause ]
[ Imitating baby ] "I always start with 'ocean.'"
-Oh. [ Laughs ]
-"I start with 'arise.'"
[ Gentle music playing ]
-Thank you,
showing up to work during the winter,
for making me feel like I'm doing
the world's worst striptease
every time I get to my desk.
[ Imitates sensual music ]
[ Both singing ]
♪♪
[ Cymbals crash ]
[ Applause ]
[ Gentle music plays ]
Thank you, corn on the cob,
for being the only food I eat on the cob.
[ Applause ]
-That's cute.
That's cute.
-Alright, we're down to our last one.
[ Crows awws ] This is a good one.
You guys want to hear the last one?
[ Cheering ] Alright.
[ Gentle music playing ]
Thank you,
gourmet food section at Whole Foods,
for looking like a bunch of cheese went on strike.
There you have it, everybody. Those are thank you notes.