I'M TRYING TO BELIEVE IN GOD 'CAUSE I KNOW IT GIVES YOU
A GOOD FEELING, AND I THINK IT FEELS LIKE--
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE IN A THIRD-WORLD SHANTYTOWN AT NIGHT
AND YOU'RE TERRIFIED AND YOU SEE THE GLOWING LOGO
OF AN INTERNATIONAL CONGLOMERATE IN THE DISTANCE,
AND YOU JUST FEEL LIKE, (breathes deeply)
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
(laughter)
SOMEONE'S LOOKING OUT FOR US.
MY MOM IS VERY RELIGIOUS, AND SHE SAID,
"WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME,
THAT'S WHAT YOU WORSHIP."
OH...
(laughter)
IF THAT'S THE CASE,
I'D LIKE EVERYONE TO POP OPEN THEIR DIET COKE CANS
AND TURN TO PAGE 37 OF THEIR PEOPLE MAGAZINES!
(cheers and applause)
IN THIS HOLY SCRIPTURE,
WE READ THE PARABLE OF MS. VALERIE BERTINELLI.
ONCE ON TELEVISION, THEN LOST TO POP CULTURE.
NOW WELCOME BACK INTO THE ZEITGEIST AGAIN,
AND THE WORST DRESSED SHALL BE THE BEST DRESSED,
AND THE BEST DRESSED SHALL BE THE WORST DRESSED.
(cheers and applause)
YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, THOUGH,
'CAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE THESE DAYS,
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS ASKING YOU THINGS LIKE,
WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON THESE DAYS?
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? WHAT'S YOUR CURRENT PROJECT?
WHAT'S ON YOUR PLATE THESE DAYS? WHAT'S COMING UP WITH YOU?
WHAT'S ON THE NEXT PAGE? WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?
(laughter) OH...
OH, I'M DONE.
(laughter and applause) YEAH.
(chuckles nervously)
I FINISHED EARLY. (chuckles)
I'M ACTUALLY LIVING IN A GRAVY BOAT...
(laughter)
FILLED WITH TASTY GRAVY.
I'M TRYING TO BRING THE TENSION OF REALITY SHOWS
INTO MY EVERYDAY REALITY.
I JUST FINISHED A FULL SEASON OF "PROJECT RUNWAY"
WITH MY TWO DOGS.
BLOSSOM. (snorts)
YOU'RE FUNNY, AND YOU'RE CUTE, BUT...
(snorts) YOU PEE ON EVERYTHING.
BUT... (snorts) YOU'RE BLIND.
AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR BUTT IN OUR FACE, AND YOU FART.
MARIA...
(shuddering breaths)
YOU SAY ARE TRYING, BUT YOU'RE CLEARLY NOT.
(laughter)
BLOSSOM. (snorts) YOU'RE IN.
MARIA, YOU'RE OUT. CONGRATULATIONS.
AUF WIEDERSEHEN. (kisses)
(applause) OH... OH...
EXHAUSTING. EXHAUSTING.
UH... UH...
YEAH, MY MANAGER, HE ASKED ME IF--
MY MANAGER WAS SAYING
THAT IT MIGHT BE TIME FOR ME TO GET BOTOX,
AND I SAID, OH, I DON'T KNOW...
(laughter)
I'M KINDA STILL USING MY FACE.
THERE'S SO MUCH LEFT TO EXPLORE.
(laughter)
RR...AGH.
(chuckles) I-I--
IS THIS NO LONGER RELEVANT?
(laughter and applause)
FOOD IS SO FANCY NOW.
ALL THE RESTAURANTS YOU GO IN, AND THEY HAVE TO TELL YOU
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO THE FOOD.
"OH, WE'RE GONNA TERRIFY THE BEEF.
"THEN WE'RE GONNA SHOVE IT UP NEXT TO SOME CARROTS
"THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP.
THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO ESCAPE,
BUT THERE'S A TSUNAMI OF BOOZE JUICE COMING AT THEM."
IT'S LIKE, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ALL THAT.
ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS DOES THAT SHAPE FIT IN HERE?
(laughter)
HOW DO I GET THAT LITTLE GENTLEMAN
INTO THE MUNCHING CAVE?
(laughter)
(grunting)
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
(laughter)
MY FRIENDS ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME HOW EASY IT IS
TO COOK BUT NOT ANY EASIER THAN NOT COOKING.
(laughter and applause)
"MARIA, NO, JUST GET LIKE A REALLY GOOD VIRGIN OLIVE OIL."
(grunts)
GIRLS SCOUT COOKIES, PIECE OF HAM.
(laughter) EH?
"NO, JUST CUT UP JUST LIKE A COUPLE OF VEGETABLES."
(shudders) SQUEEZY CHEESE ON FINGER.
CAN OF WINE.
(laughter)
AH!
"JUST PREHEAT THE--" AAGGH!
HOT POWER BAR FROM GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
(laughter) MM. MM.