“Are you gonna allow your daughter to believe Santa is real
and have her find out that he isn’t like most other kids?”
You know what, um,
so in our house we do like all the holidays.
We do
Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, Diwali, Eid, all that stuff.
But, um,
yeah I’m definitely gonna tell her that I bought the presents.
Like are you serious? I’m gonna be like, “Oh, Santa did it.”
No, no, no. I paid for it, I’ll eat the cookies.
I’ll be like, “I bought the cookies,
I’m gonna eat these cookies in front of you.”
I have to take the credit.
’Cause one thing that’s gonna be culturally true she has to,
you know, respect and be grateful to her parents.
That’s one thing I want to like, go every– right?
Right? Thank you.
And if she doesn’t
I will emotionally guilt her because...
Oh, this is actually really funny.
“Not a question,
but I’m 32 and just moved back in with my parents.
Would love thoughts and prayers from the audience.”
That’s really funny.
You know who this is from?
It just says, “Anonymous.”
Is the person here?
It’s you?
Ahhh.
How you feeling?
You’re okay?
Today’s a good day–that’s good!
That’s awesome.
Um,
I want to–
You know how you have like a friend, you’re just like,
“Hey, keep on keeping on.”
But I can’t–
You know, I lived at home– I mean,
I lived at home for a while, but... 24.
I lived at home ’til 24.
That’s a long time, right?
23, 24 yeah.
Do you get– I mean do you get– you get to be here, right?
And um, do you have like, a curfew?
Is that your–are you here with…
Oh, okay I was gonna say–
You’re like, “I don’t have a curfew. I brought my mom.”
“It’s our fun night out.”
You know what’s funny?
We went back– So my wife’s family, they live in Kansas.
And so when we went back to go, like, stay with my in-laws,
like, we had to sleep in her bedroom from high school.
And so like I was just in bed
in her like, high school bed, which wasn’t for two people.
You know what I mean?
And then like I just like turned over and there was just this
big ass poster of Hrithik Roshan.
You just see his sixth finger just like, looking at me in the night.
It was weird.
Yeah.
“What was something that you used to believe was true as a child?”
Um, this is from Nidhi.
Uh, you know what I used to believe when I was a kid?
I used to believe that if you flushed the toilet,
it would go straight to Hell.
Like I didn’t under– I didn’t understand how plumbing worked.
I was like, “Oh it just goes into–”
Remember how- when they would like,
Earth open and you would see the thing?
And there was magma, remember magma?
I was like, “Yeah that’s where they put all the...”
Can anyone explain how plumbing works?
I don’t even know how plumbing works.
In an apartment building you ever see– you’re like,
“There’s all that shit just like, where’s it running?”
“Is it going straight down?”
“Is it going this way, is it going like this?”
If you really think about it, it’s like, none of us know.
And then where does it go?
I don’t know.
I still don’t understand how–
you know how when you’re wearing like certain socks, right?
And then you rub your feet against the carpet and then you shock someone?
Yeah, static electricity.
But how does that go from here to here?
Like that’s still pretty magical.
I get it, like you’re rubbing,
I totally know, like, atoms.
Yeah.
But the hair thing makes sense.
You have the balloon and then it
extends out, but you’re rubbing it on your head.
But how does it go from here to...?
It goes from here to Expelliarmus!
Like it goes to...
You’re zapping people!
You’re shooting spells out of your hands, that’s crazy.
What else?
Nidhi, what do you– what did you know?
You thought– you didn’t know where milk came from as a kid?
You’re like, “Where does milk come from?”
You’re like, “Safeway.”
Do you know I used to work at Safeway?
I used to bag groceries, yeah.
Yeah.
I got fired. I got fired though.
I got fired.
Do you want to know why I got fired?
Um,
so Safeway has this policy if you’re a, like,
they would call you a “customer service rep,”
but I was– I just bagged people’s groceries.
Uh,
you had to, you had to be clean shaven.
And I had a, like a mustache.
And they were like, “You have to shave, yeah.”
And I was like, “My parents are gonna kill me if I do.”
And so one day I came in to work.
I had like a Band-Aid, like, here.
And they were like, “What is happening?”
And I’m like, “Ah I was shaving. I got cut.”
And my boss was like, “Move the–”
And I had to like, peel it off.
Yeah.
And he was like, “We gotta–”
You ever get, you know like when you have a job and they go,
“Hey, can– hey can I see you in my office?”
I got a, “Hey, can I see you in my office?”
And then they– I had to hand over… hand over my apron.
Yeah. Yeah.
And then I went next door and I applied for a job at Office Max.
I was a free agent, they’re like, “Come over to Office Max.”
But I got fired from every job that I had before comedy.
It was bad.
Anyone have a crazy firing story?
You’re like, “That’s cool.”
They said, “For a bit?” “We’re gonna let you go for a bit?”
That’s such a sweet way to say fired.
Alright, “Rank the following Indian sweets.
Ladoo,
barfi,
jalebi,
gulab jamun.”
I’m gonna say–yeah gulab jamun. Head over heels!
A fried donut
covered in syrup,
it’s the best.
You guys– do you guys not know what a–
If you don’t know what a gulab jamun is, it’s like, have it.
It is one of the greatest desserts ever.
You already have the donut, which is a great dish.
That’s fried, then you put that in hot syrup.
Ooof. It’s really great.
Now this is a controversial take.
Everything else can go to hell.
Like, it like, Desi sweets are way too sweet.
They’re just like, fifteen out of ten.
Yeah, it’s a problem. Like,
they can all go to hell.
Honestly,
I can flush them down the toilet and send them into the Earth’s core.
You know what sucks about them too?
Is it you get married, like in South Asian culture,
you have to sit there and everybody comes up and feeds you mithai like–
And I’ve tried to explain this to like,
people who don’t kinda know what like, Indian sweets are.
I was like, “Imagine at your wedding if you had to sit there
and every person at the wedding just came up to you and fed you Twix.”
Like, a Twix.
Yeah, but the 200th person you would’ve been like,
“Please, no more Twix.”
And they’re like, “But I’m your aunt, I love you.”
And you had to eat the Twix out of their hand.
It would be–
You would go through five you’d be like,
“Ah, that’s cool, alright. Ah, it’s my wedding day.”
And then like, 287 you’re like, “I think this is punishment.”
“What is your favorite TikTok trend?”
What, that was– Why does that get a “Oh?”
Really?
Are you– is this from you?
You love TikTok?
How old are you?
Okay.
Okay, no cause I don’t, I honestly don’t know what–
Wait, wait, wait.
What, um, what, what is your favorite TikTok trend?
That’s where “OK Boomer” came from, right?
Do it for us, yeah!
Do the TikTok dance.
You can’t, why not?
Eddie, we can get music, right?
Eddie, we can get it.
Eddie, we can get music.
Did you set this up?
Is this a big set up for like–
Alright, go for it, go for it.
Go for it, go for it.
Alright.
You guys know her?
This is a set up! You guys set this up!
That doesn’t– you can’t– from here to there?
You guys live together?
Why did they separate you guys this way?
This is a set up, we don’t know–
This is like your free coffee scam.
Like, “I know the manager.”
“We live together.”
Alright, go for it.
Bella, go for it.
You wanna get on stage, you wanna do it on stage?
Come do it on stage.
Do it on stage.
There you go, yeah, alright.
Alright, here we go.
You wanna hold my phone?
I’ll hold your phone.
Alright, the volume’s all the way up.
I’m shaky as shit, but we’re gonna– we’re gonna do it right, okay?
Okay, let’s do it.
Ready, okay.
K.
Go.
Oh, oh it’s loading. Oh.
It’s loading?
It’s loading.
Why don’t we, you wanna have the DJ just play something?
Or does it have to be this song?
It has to be that song.
It’s “Lottery” by K something…
It needs WiFi?
Yes.
Oh, this sucks.
Can we start it over?
Wait, she wants to start over, you have to start it over.
K, here we go. Here we go.
Thank you.
The youth!
That’s never happened on the show before.
She’s been learning it for a week, there we go.
That’s an amazing set up, you guys are a great–
I mean, you guys are a great groups of liars that set this up.
Alright, what’s my take on TikTok?
This is what I know.
I know that it’s owned by a Chinese company, right?
And everybody here in America there’s been a lot of
articles written about how we shouldn’t trust them
because it’s a Chinese company and they’re gonna take all our data.
But I’m like, fuck that!
Look, they already have everything on us here in America,
I’m a free agent.
Let Xi Jinping have my info.
You know what would be crazy?
If everybody on TikTok, everybody, just–
You’re doing this thing and the–
But everybody’s doing all that, but it says, like, “I stand with Hong Kong.”
It would like, break–like it would just like– it’d be like, “Ahhhhh!!”
Alright, last one.
Okay wait, can I do two?
“What’s the question that you hate being asked the most?”
“Can you wrap it up please?”
That’s the question–
I’m joking, I’m joking, I’m joking.
This is true.
“Is Eddie really your best friend?”
Yes, he is.
Alright.
“Was the moon landing real?”
No. Why are you asking me?
“Are you Riz Ahmed?”
Come on.
The most annoying one is when people are like,
“Why haven’t you done the episode
on the one specific thing that I want you to do?”
That happens all the time.
“What is the number one thing on your bucket list
that you want to achieve?”
Um, I want to finally watch all of Star Wars.
’Cause there’s like all of Star–
And then there’s like all the prequels and then there’s the sub-worlds.
Haven’t done that.
Haven’t watched all the Lord of the Rings.
I don’t even know.
Like, honestly I can’t even tell you.
You know what I do– you know, Ronny Chieng,
who’s a correspondent on the Daily Show.
What Ronny Chieng does, and this is super,
super Malaysian that he does this.
He doesn’t watch any of these shows,
he goes to Wikipedia and then he reads the synopsis.
I’m like, “That’s so Asian, Ronny.
What the fuck, come on.”
He’ll be like, “Haven’t watched Mad Men, here we go
Wikipedia.org: Here we go, Mad Men, synopsis.”
And then he’ll just read what happened
so he can have a normal conversation.
But I’m like, “You’re such a fucking robot.”
Just watch it like a human being.
Okay.
My other bucket list item is I wanna go on a cruise wearing all Supreme.
Eddie.
My wife does them.
Yeah.
She straight up gets up in there.
She’s like–
Yeah, she’ll pluck.
She’ll do, like, even like the white heads, she’ll just be like–
That’s love, right?
Straight up, the volcanoes she’s like, “Boom!”
Wipe.
And then she’ll be like, “Alcohol, pow!”
And I’ll be like, “Ahhhh!!”
It’s like– it’s like in Batman
when he becomes Two-Face, you’re like, “Ahhhhh!!”
You’ll do it to your brother?
Yeah.
I mean that’s love, right?
Yeah.
I think that was too much info.