WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, MONSIEUR AND
MADAME.
MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN FEEL THAT EXCITEMENT.
AND THAT EXCITEMENT COMES FROM ONLY ONE THING-- WE ARE LIVE--
LOOK AT, THAT LIVE-- AFTER-- RIGHT THERE.
THAT PROVES IT.
WE ARE LIVE FOLLOWING THE SOUTH CAROLINA DEBATE AIRING RIGHT
HERE ON CBS WITH BERNIE SANDERS, MICHAEL
BLOOMBERG, AND JOE BIDEN, SO A LITTLE YOUNG FOR CBS.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S SPECIAL LIVE DEBATE
EDITION OF: >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
>> DONALD TRUMP'S WORST NIGHTMARE!
>> WE'RE AT EACH OTHERS' THROATS.
>> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.
>> I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM!
>> AAHH.
>> YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS IN TRUMP?
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE: 2020."
>> Stephen: NOW, TONIGHT ON THAT HIGHWAY TO HELL, THE DEMOCRATS
MET IN MY HOMETOWN OF CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA.
AND THESE FOLKS SAID A LOT OF WORDS, AND I DID NOT HEAR MANY
OF THEM.
THE CANDIDATES WERE SPEAK ALL OVER EACH OTHER.
I THINK THE QUOTE OF THE NIGHT HAD TO BE, "ARGLE BARGLE-MORBLE
WHOOSH-PEAS AND CAROTS-HE SAID MY NAME!
HE SAID MY NAME!" NOW, ONE CANDIDATE-- IT SAYS
THAT RIGHT THERE.
LEGALLY, THAT'S THE QUOTE OF THE NIGHT.
ONE CANDIDATE WASN'T EXACTLY IN TOP FORM COMING INTO THE DEBATE.
HERE'S JOE BIDEN LAST NIGHT: >> MY NAME'S JOE BIDEN.
I'M A DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR THE UNITED STATES SENATE.
>> Stephen: OH!
THAT'S A TINY LITTLE GAFFE FROM PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOE
BIDEN.
BUT, HEY, WE ALL MISSPEAK SOMETIMES.
I'M SURE HE'LL NAIL THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE.
>> LOOK ME OVER.
IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, HELP OUT, IF NOT VOTE FOR THE OTHER
BIDEN.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M RUNNING FOR BIDEN AGAINST THE OTHER BIDEN.
LOOK ME OVER.
IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, WRAP ME IN A BLANKET, AND TAKE ME TO
A SAFE PLACE FILLED WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.
THE ADDRESS IS RIGHT HERE ON THE BRACELET.
COME ON!
LET'S GO, MAN!
COME ON!
LISTEN, FOLKS, LISTEN!"
WORST IMPRESSION OF ALL TIME.
NOW-- SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THE DEBATE TONIGHT KICKED OFF WITH A COUPLE OF HAYMAKERS
BETWEEN BERNIE AND BLOOMY.
>> THE ECONOMY IS DOING REALLY GREAT FOR PEOPLE LIKE
MR. BLOOMBERG AND OTHER BILLIONAIRES.
>> VLADIMIR PUTIN THINKS THAT DONALD TRUMP SHOULD BE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES, AND THAT'S WHY RUSSIA IS HELPING YOU GET
ELECTED.
>> OH-- >> Stephen: WOW.
THAT IS REALLY PUNCHING BELOW THE BELT, BUT THEN AGAIN,
BLOOMBERG CAN'T REACH MUCH HIGHER!
( LAUGHTER )
FOR ONE MR. VLADIMIR PUTIN.
>> HEY, MR. PUTIN, IF I'M PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
TRUST ME, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO INTERFERE IN ANY MORE AMERICAN
ELECTIONS.
>> Stephen: (AS SANDERS) "BECAUSE IF I'M PRESIDENT, WE
WON'T BE VOTING ON MACHINES HE CAN HACK.
I'LL MAKE SURE EVERYBODY GETS A PEBBLE AND WE ALL PUT THE PEBBLE
IN THE OLD COFFEE CAN OF THEIR CANDIDATE.
VOTE BERNIE-MAXWELL HOUSE 2020!" IT'S A SOLUTION!
IT WILL WORK!
IT'S A REVOLUTION!
CHOCK FULL OF NUTS!"
THIS TIME-- THIS TIME IT WASN'T JUST BLOOMBERG ATTACKING
SANDERS.
ALL THE CANDIDATES HAD THEIR TORCHES OUT TO SET FIRE TO THE
WICKER BERNIE.
FOR INSTANCE, MAYOR PETE PROPOSED A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT.
>> IMAGINE SPENDING THE BETTER PART OF 2020 WITH BERNIE SANDERS
VERSUS DONALD TRUMP.
>> Stephen: PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT BECAUSE BERNIE
AND TRUMP ARE THE ONLY TWO IMPRESSIONS I CAN DO.
IT'S REALLY HARD TO DO A MAYOR PETE.
(AS PETE) "HELLO, SIR OR MADAM, CAN YOU
DIRECT MYSELF AND CHASTEN TO THE NEAREST WINE CAVE?"
NOTHING, IT DOESN'T HAVE JUICE.
BIDEN TOUTED HIS SUCCESS AMONG BLACK VOTERS.
>> I'VE WORKED LIKE THE DEVIL TO EARN THE VOTE OF THE AFRICAN
AMERICAN COMMUNITY.
>> Stephen: UNLIKE TRUMP, WHO HAS WORKED WITH THE DEVIL TO GET
THE SUPPORT OF THE WHITE COMMUNITY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, BIDEN WAS ALSO--
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
>> Stephen: BIG FANS OF THE DEVIL HERE TONIGHT.
BIDEN WAS ALSO CONFIDENT ABOUT HIS PROSPECTS IN THIS WEEKEND'S
PRIMARY: >> I WILL WIN SOUTH CAROLINA.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "I WILL WIN SOUTH CAROLINA-- I
WILL BE THEIR NEXT SENATOR, AS SURE AS MY NAME IS SKEETER
'HOTDOG' PICKLESWORTH."
COME ON, MAN!" WHEN THE SUBJECT OF STOP AND
FRISK IN NEW YORK CAME UP, MAYOR BLOOMBERG TRIED TO EXPLAIN HOW
MUCH HE'S LEARNED SINCE THEN.
>> I'VE MET WITH BLACK LEADERS TO TRY TO GET AN UNDERSTANDING
OF HOW I CAN BETTER POSITION MYSELF.
>> Stephen: MR. MAYOR, I HAVE A FEELING A LOT OF BLACK
LEADERS WANT YOUR POSITION TO BE SPREAD EAGLE UP AGAINST A WALL.
BUT HE BLOOMED ON.
>> I HAVE OVER 100 BLACK ELECTED OFFICIALS THAT HAVE
ENDORSED ME.
A LOT OF THEM ARE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: (AS BLOOMBERG) "A LOT OF THEM ARE IN THE
AUDIENCE TONIGHT.
OFFICER, STOP THEM.
CHECK THEIR POCKETS.
THERE'S AN ENDORSEMENT IN THERE SOMEPLACE.
I PROMISE YOU."
THEN-- ALL OF BLOOMBERG'S VOTERS ARE HERE TONIGHT, I THINK.
THEN BLOOMBERG GOT ASKED IF IT WAS WRONG FOR HIM TO HAVE MADE
SEXIST JOKES IN THE PAST.
>> PROBABLY WRONG TO MAKE THE JOKES.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE.
>> Stephen: (AS BLOOMBERG) "I REMEMBER!
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE GUY WHO ASKED THE GENIE FOR A
12-INCH PIANIST.
I SEE NOW THAT JOKE IS INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE TO SHORT
PEOPLE."
THEN, AFTER A QUESTION ABOUT THE COST OF BERNIE'S MEDICARE FOR
ALL PROGRAM, THINGS GOT A LITTLE SHOUT-Y.
>> I THINK WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MATH, AND IT DOESN'T TAKE TWO
HOURS TO DO THE MATH.
SANDERS: LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH.
LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH, BABY
♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT HEALTH FOR FREE
♪ LET'S TAX THE 1% AND BRING AN END TO POVERTY
♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT MATH ♪
YES!
SENATOR KLOBUCHAR BROUGHT HER MIDWESTERNESS TO THE GUN DEBATE:
>> I LOOK AT THESE PROPOSALS AND SAY, "DO THEY HURT MY UNCLE DICK
IN THE DEER STAND?"
>> Stephen: SENATE, I'M PRETTY SURE MICHAEL BLOOMBERG HAD TO
SIGN AN N.D.A. FOR TALKING ABOUT HIS "UNCLE DICK IN A DEERSTAND."
IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
THEN BLOOMBERG TRIED A ZINGER.
>> LET ME ALSO JUST SAY BECAUSE JUST-- SINCE I HAVE THE FLOOR
FOR A SECOND-- THAT I REALLY AM SURPRISED THAT ALL OF THESE--
MY FELLOW CONTESTANTS UP HERE, I GUESS WOULD BE THE RIGHT WORD
FOR IT, GIVEN NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO THE CLOCK.
I'M SURPRISED THEY SHOW UP BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
AFTER I DID SUCH A GOOD JOB WITH BEATING THEM LAST WEEK THAT
THEY WOULD BE AFRAID TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY, NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY HE ASKS PEOPLE TO
SIGN AN N.D.A. AFTER HE TELLS A JOKE.
NO ONE WANTS TO REMEMBER THAT.
MAYOR BLOOMBERG KEPT WORKSHOPPING HIS "COMEDY."
>> I THINK WHAT'S RIGHT FOR NEW YORK CITY ISN'T NECESSARILY
RIGHT FOR ALL THE OTHER CITIES.
OTHERWISE, YOU'D HAVE A NAKED COWBOY IN EVERY CITY.
>> Stephen: NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIVE IN NEW YORK
CITY, THERE'S THIS CRAZY MAN WHO WANDERS AROUND THE CITY AND WILL
NOT LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE.
AND THAT MAN'S NAME IS MIKE BLOOMBERG.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME ♪ THANK YOU, THANK YOU, JON.
MIKE BLOOMBERG WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT WHEN IT CAME TO
MARIJUANA, THE OTHERS WEREN'T BOGARTING THE PANDERING.
>> LOOK, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS WE SHOULD NOT MAKE THIS A
CRIMINAL THING, IF YOU HAVE A SMALL AMOUNT.
FOR DEALERS, YES.
BUT FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON, NO.
>> Stephen: I AGREE.
IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE RUINED BECAUSE YOU
WERE CAUGHT WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF POT WHEN YOU WERE
STOPPED, AND THEN, I DUNNO, MAYBE FRISKED.
THE CORONAVIRUS IS, OF COURSE, A GLOBAL ISSUE AND KLOBUCHAR SPOKE
ABOUT WHAT SHE WOULD DO TO HELP FIND THE CURE.
>> I KNOW THE VACCINE IS OUT THERE IN THE HEAD OF SOME KID
RIGHT NOW IN SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR) "WE NEED TO FIND THAT KID,
CAPTURE HIM, AND DIG INTO HIS PRECIOUS BRAIN MEAT FOR THAT
SWEET, SWEET CURE."
I'M AMY KLOBUCHAR.
JOIN ME IN STEALING THE DREAMS OF SLEEPING CHILDREN."
>> Jon: OH, MY, OH, MY.
>> Stephen: BERNIE WASN'T ALWAYS A HIT WITH THE CROWD
TONIGHT, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE DEFENDED HIS LIMITED PRAISE OF
THE CUBAN REVOLUTION.
>> CUBA MADE PROGRESS ON EDUCATION.
YES, I THINK-- >> BOO!
>> REALLY?
(AUDIENCE BOOING) >> REALLY?
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "REALLY?
REALLY?
YOU WANNA COME AT ME, BRO?
BRING IT.
I HAD-- I HAD A DECAF AT 5:30 THIS MORNING, AND I AM AMPED!"
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIENDS, BEN AND JERRY.
WE'RE BOTH FROM VERMONT.
>> Jon: UH-OH.
UH-OH.
>> Stephen: I WILL TURN YOU INTO A CHUNKY MONKEY.
I WILL TURN YOU INTO FISH FOOD."
WHEN THE TOPIC TURNED TO NORTH KOREA, AMY KLOBUCHAR HAD A VERY
MIDWESTERN ANALYSIS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S DIPLOMATIC
STRATEGY: >> HE LITERALLY THINKS HE CAN GO
OVER AND BRING A HOT DISH TO THE DICTATOR NEXT DOOR, AND HE
THINKS EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE FINE.
>> Stephen: I LIVED IN THE MIDWEST.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN HOT DISH?
THE VEGETABLE IS TATER TOT
TECHNICALLY, BRINGING A HOT DISH TO A FOREIGN LEADER COUNTS AS AN
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT.
( LAUGHTER )
MODERATOR GAYLE KING ASKED THE CANDIDATES WHAT THE BIGGEST
MISCONCEPTION IS ABOUT THEM.
HERE'S KLOBUCHAR'S ANSWER.
>> THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION IS THAT I'M BORING, CAUSE I'M NOT.
>> Stephen: SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HOW LONG WAS I OUT?
I JUST-- WHO WAS TALKING?
AMY KLOBU-- ( SNORES )
THEN JOE BIDEN GAVE THIS INTERESTING ANSWER.
>> WHAT'S THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION ABOUT YOU, SIR?
>> I HAVE MORE HAIR THAN I THINK I DO.
( LAUGHTER )
COMMON MISCONCEPTION ABOUT YOU IS A MISCONCEPTION THAT ONLY YOU
HAVE ABOUT YOURSELF?
( LAUGHTER )
"LOOK, EVERYONE KNOWS THE TRUTH, BUT THEY'RE MISTAKEN, BECAUSE
I'M WRONG."
BERNIE ADDRESSED THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION ABOUT HIM.
>> MISCONCEPTION-- AND YOU'RE HEARING IT HERE TONIGHT-- IS
THAT THE IDEAS I'M TALKING ABOUT ARE RADICAL.
THEY'RE NOT.
IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER, THEY EXIST IN COUNTRIES ALL OVER THE
WORLD.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "IN COUNTRIES LIKE VENEZUELA,
CUBA, MORDOR, DR. DOOM'S LATVERIA.
THEY ALL MAKE IT WORK."
SO THERE IT IS.
SEVEN CANDIDATES, FIVE MODERATORS, TWO HOURS, AND ONE
POWERFUL MESSAGE FOR AMERICA.
(CROSSTALK) >> CAN'T ALLOW THIS TO STAND
BECAUSE IT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
>> LET ME RESPOND TO THIS.
>> I CAN SAY SOMETHING?
>> HOLD IT, FIRST OF ALL,.
>> NO, LET ME GO.
> Stephen: THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH TO FIT ON A BUMPER
STICKER.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.