So you’ve gone through a breakup and thought that that was the end. But now your ex keeps
contacting you out of the blue and you have no idea what they want. Well you’re in the
right place because that’s what we’re going to explore in today’s video.
I’ll be covering a few different scenarios here. One, you’re simply curious why your
ex is reaching out and you want to understand why. Two, you just want your ex to leave you
alone. Three, you want to leverage this conversation into a second chance with your ex. So keep
watching to the end because I’m going to cover all of these situations in extreme detail.
I, of course, am Brad Browning, AKA Breakup Brad. I’ve made breakups my field of expertise
here on Youtube, and I’ve written a best-selling book on the subject, The Ex Factor Guide.
As a breakup coach I’ve helped thousands of people around the world move on after a
breakup and I’ve helped thousands more win a second chance with their ex. So whatever
your situation, if you’ve recently gone through a breakup and you’re struggling,
I recommend that you subscribe to my channel now.
Now let’s dive into the topic of this video: what does it mean when your ex contacts you?
Well it turns out there are many reasons that exes may reach out after a breakup. The first,
and most common reason your ex is contacting you, is that they feel guilty for how the
relationship ended. This is especially common if they made a huge mistake that led to the
breakup like cheating, lying or otherwise mistreating you. You’ll know this is the
case because your ex will keep things casual and light. They want to be in a place where
the two of you have a good relationship so that they can convince THEMSELVES that they
did nothing wrong.
Another sign of this guilt is if they lay it on thick with the apologies or are being
excessively nice to you. Do they give you gifts and do you lots of favours? This is
the behaviour of a guilty person. Whether they’re looking for YOUR forgiveness or
their own is unclear but the results are the same: an ex who is looking to impress you
with their behaviour.
If you’re in this situation and you want to use this good will to try for a second
chance then you need to head on over to BreakupBrad.com after this video is over and check out my
free tutorial there that deals with situations just like this one. That URL again is BreakupBrad.com
On to number two on this list: they want to be friends. This one isn’t always easy to
spot but there are a couple of things to look for. When you broke up did they say “I think
we’re better as just friends”? Often people use this as a cover and then never speak to
you again, but if they’re still contacting you all the time, this may be their true intention.
Do they treat you WAY differently than they did before the breakup? This is a sign that
they now see you as a friend rather than a true romantic option. This is very common
for relationships that started as friendships and never felt quite right.
If you do want them back, I’d caution you highly against being friends with your ex.
I’ll explain why later on in this video. If you don’t want them back, I’d still
caution you against being friends with your ex immediately after a breakup. I know many
people will push back on this but I speak from experience here. Being friends with an
ex right after a breakup is a recipe for disaster. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly,
or even become close friends after a long period of separation, but the time immediately
following a breakup should be spent processing and healing and you can’t do that if you’re
trying to build a friendship with the person who just broke your heart. I wish I was wrong
about this one but, after helping thousands of clients over the years, being friends with
an ex right after a breakup does more harm than good.
The third reason that your ex keeps contacting you is that they miss your presence in their
life but they’re not sure what they want. This is another very common situation and
it can be confusing for all those involved. If this is the case, expect your ex to be
hot and cold. They may keep you at a distance one minute and then come running back to you
the next. They’ll typically avoid any serious conversations about the breakup and change
the subject when you talk about the future. Chances are this means your ex is really struggling
with the breakup and is coming to you for comfort and support. The fact that you’re
the cause of, and solution to all their problems right now is what’s making them act a little
crazy.
Which brings us to the fourth possible reason that your ex keeps contacting you is actually
not as common as you might hope: they want you back. There are certain things to look
for that mean your ex wants you back. Do they speak to you more like a boyfriend or girlfriend
than an ex? Do they want to spend lots of time in person and when you do, do they show
up looking their best? Have they asked you if you’re seeing anyone? These are indicators
that your ex is more than likely interested in getting you back.
But if you want to know FOR SURE that your ex wants you back, you should head over to
BreakupBrad.com/Quiz right now and take my free quiz there. I’ve distilled over a decade
of research into a simple, five minute questionnaire. Just answer the questions and receive a rating
telling you your chances with your ex, along with personalized advice based on your answers.
That URL again is BreakupBrad.com/Quiz
So say you do take my quiz and get a 90 and now you know that your ex does indeed want
you back. What should you do next? Well We’ll cover that later on in this video.
But first, here are a few other reasons that your ex may be reaching out to you. These
are probably not the PRIMARY reason that they’re reaching out to you but they can help you
to understand what your ex is feeling right now and what motivates them.
It’s possible they’re reaching out to you because they love the chase. This is a
pattern more commonly seen in men but it can happen in women as well. It goes like this:
he was especially intense early on in the relationship. He really wanted your attention
and he was focused on you like a laser. But then, as you two started to settle down, you
found his attention start to wander and pretty soon he was pulling away from you. Eventually
this culminated in a breakup. Now that you’re starting to move on, he’s reaching back
out and trying to suck you back into the cycle all over again. The reason for this behaviour
is that he struggles with intimacy. He couldn’t deal with true intimacy but he still wants
you in his life, on his terms.
Next up, your ex may be contacting you because they want attention. This is common in breakups
that weren’t particularly messy. Basically they’re contacting you because they’re
lonely and they know that you’re probably going to answer their messages. This is why
they’re all over you one minute and completely gone the next. They weren’t truly interested
in rekindling anything, they were just temporarily lonely and knew that you’re someone who
may be able to fill that void.
And finally, they may be contacting you because they don’t respect your boundaries. This
isn’t so much a reason for them to contact you as it is a reason that they won’t think
twice before reaching out. Someone who understands and respects your boundaries will understand
that after a breakup, there’s really no reason for them to reach out to you and doing
so will probably only lead to more pain for both of you. This is common in emotionally
immature exes and people who lack impulse control. They may know that this is a bad
idea but they’re just unable to stop themselves from reaching out.
So what should you do if you don’t want anything to do with your ex? Well the simple
first step is to stop responding to their messages, stop answering their phone calls
and stop engaging with them online. I know this feels like a hard step and might feel
cruel or spiteful but it’s truly not. In reality, breaking up means severing ties with
someone and moving on with your life. There are situations where you can maintain a relationship
with an ex but, if you’re watching this video, I’m guessing that communicating with
your ex is doing more harm than good. So if you came here looking for permission to move
on, here it is. It’s not going to be easy but leaving them on read is actually the right
thing, and the most ethical thing to do.
The situation becomes more complex when your ex doesn’t get the message and won’t stop
reaching out to you. They’re probably asking you what’s wrong and why you won’t talk
to them. In this case, it’s okay to send them a message letting them know that you’re
just trying to move on and that you don’t think the two of you should be in contact
anymore. At the end of the day, you should feel proud that you’re the one who was able
to take this difficult step and move on for good.
But let’s talk about the other scenario here. What do you do if your ex keeps contacting
you and you do want them back? Well, the reasons they’re reaching out to you don’t necessarily
change but the results can be totally different if you have a goal and a plan. So first off
you need to decide which group you’re in here. Is your ex reaching out to you because
they feel guilty? Does your ex want to be friends? Or do they truly want you back?
If they fall into the last category then you probably don’t need my advice. Just take
it slow and begin the process of reconnecting with them. Let them make all the first moves
and simply enjoy getting to know them all over again.
If you’re not quite sure of their intentions, you’re going to have to tread more carefully.
I see a couple of different scenarios here.
One, you broke up recently and you and your ex have stayed in contact. While you’ve
stopped reaching out to them, they continue to hit you up on a regular basis. The conversations
are pretty basic and lack the romance you two once had. Things are generally fizzling
out or you’re sliding into friend territory.
This is actually one of the WORST situations you can be in if you want your ex back. Once
you become friends with your ex, it can be very difficult to bring the romance back into
your relationship. Because once you two are just friends, any time you spend together
only reinforces this new friendship. While you may be pining for them inside, if you
don’t take tangible steps in the right direction, you’re only heading deeper and deeper into
the friend zone.
Now you’re stuck in a situation where you’re pining after them and they have no idea. This
is why I preach the No Contact Method above all else. The No Contact Method means taking
30 days apart following your breakup where you and your ex do not communicate in any
way. You don’t text, talk on the phone, email, nothing. This time apart allows you
both to process the breakup. It allows the bad feelings associated with the breakup to
fade into the background and, since you go cold turkey, it prevents any conflict between
the two of you making things worse. It also prevents the very situation you’re in right
now by stopping a friendship from developing between you and your ex.
So if you and your ex are starting to become friends, or even just casually chatting, you’re
going to need to send them a message, explaining that you won’t be able to stay in contact
with them for awhile because you clearly want different things so you’re going to move
on. Don’t get drawn into a whole discussion about this, simply make your intentions clear
and then break contact.
I know many of you are going to push back on this. You think “how can I get my ex
back if I stop talking to them entirely?” And I need you to know that by staying in
contact right now, and being their friend, you’re making it harder, not easier, for
you to get them back. By breaking contact you’re showing them that you have self respect
and bravery. In essence, you’re rejecting them the same way they rejected you. This
is just the first step to returning some equality to the relationship.
Now, you need to spend the next 30 days focusing on improving yourself, setting goals and achieving
them and just generally living your best life. This is a very effective way of both processing
the breakup, staying busy so you keep your mind off your ex, and setting yourself up
for success when you finally begin the process of reattracting your ex. What this looks like
will depend on your particular situation but remember that you have time on your side.
Maybe there’s a hobby you’ve meant to try out for years--well now is the time to
make it happen. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of simply sitting on your butt,
waiting and pining after your ex because even if you never contact your ex, they’ll be
able to smell the desperation on you.
In fact, acting like you’re moving on is the best and most effective method for getting
an ex back because we always want what we can’t have. If your ex already decided to
end things, then showing them that you’re still here if they change their mind is only
going to make you look like you lack self respect and no one in the world finds that
attractive.
For more information about making the most out of No Contact, check out the videos I’ve
linked in the description below. That just about does it for today guys. Hopefully this
video shed some light on why exactly your ex keeps contacting you and what you should
do next but before I go, let me quickly summarize here.
There are four common reasons that your ex may be contacting you:
1. They feel guilty and are trying to make themselves feel better
2. They genuinely want to be your friend 3. They miss you and are looking for comfort
4. They actually want to get back together
And whether you want your ex back, or want to move on, the best thing you can do right
now is to begin a 30 day period of No Contact and head over to BreakupBrad.com to watch
my free tutorial there. Thanks again for watching and I’ll see you all in my next video.