An
[ Buzzer sounds ]
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
[ High-pitched screaming ]
[ Bell dings ]
Aah!
[ Screaming ]
♪♪
[ Chainsaws buzzing ]
[ Screaming ]
I don't know who did this to me,
but I can't stop killing!
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
[ Screaming ]
What the [bleep]? Stop, man.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Oh!
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Audience cheers ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Noisemaker sounds ]
Ahh. Okay.
I was thinking the other day,
"Don't you wish Bono got killed by a tree skiing
instead of Sonny 'Bon-o'?"
Then the streets would have no name.
[ Light applause and laughter ]
Oh, man.
Ha.
[ Light laughter and booing ]
Sorry, I'm getting political on y'all, okay?
Brexit.
♪♪
Oh, my God!
I'm the Bench Mensch!
♪♪
Aah!
Don't take the stairs. Take the bench.
Today's goal -- helping a friend move.
[ Giggles ]
I can help you move these boxes.
I didn't mean to startle you.
Oh!
Sorry! Butterfingers!
I'm the bench -- Oh, sorry.
I'm the Bench Mensch!
I'm a bit of a klutz.
I think we're all good.
You want a Reuben?
I am all good on a Reuben right now.
What's wrong? You vegan?
Oh, geez.
Sorry, we just got to watch this stuff.
This is super fragile.
No, no, no, no, no.
[ Theme music plays ]
Oh, shit.
[ Theme music plays ]
He keeps saying, "I can help you. I'm the Bench Mensch."
Dude, kick me, not the boxes.
[ Theme music playing ]
Uh, the next guest is Omarion.
Please come out, Omarion.
Yeah!
♪ We used to date ♪
♪ We can try, we can try ♪
♪ We can try to forget ♪
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
You look like you can defuse a bomb.
Omarion, you are great.
How you doing, man?
Okay.
Ha ha! At ease.
Well appreciated.
[ Both laugh ]
God bless you. When is the last time you got served?
[ Groaning ]
You good?
My G.
She dead?
Whew! Who?
She dead?
What?
I know. Yeah, I know.
I didn't see nothing.
Who are we talking about?
Unh.
Omarion, so you are so appreciated.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And you were the bad guy in the Fat Albert movie.
Yes. I was.
How did Bill Cosby get the pills
in the drinks with that fat suit on?
Was his fingers like, "Oh, Theo, you know,"
just mumbling around?
[ Chuckling ]
How did he do it?
I'm not sure.
Man: Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'm not sure.
You want some sushi?
Can we have some sushi for our guest, please?
I can get -- You want sushi?
Or you want some chili?
Can we have some chili?
[ Cheering ]
What the [bleep] is that?
My G. My G...
It's George Clooney from "Ocean's Eleven."
Oh, hell no, bro.
You got to chill out with this.
My own tequila.
Oh, you wildin', fam!
Oh, my man! What are you...
♪♪
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Dude, what are you up to? You surveying the land?
[ Laughs ]
Survey says, "It's time for cerveza."
♪ Time to hang with a land surveyor ♪
♪ Time to bro out with a land surveyor ♪
Bro, I'm just another god in the quad
looking for a warm bod to watch Chuck Todd.
You got to "Meet the Press,"
then you got to press the meat, baby boy.
No, no, no, no!
What the [bleep] you doing, bro?
Don't be touching the shit, man.
Need a ranch hand?
Hey, cowboy. Need a ranch hand?
[ Heavy metal music plays ]
I got it. Are we good right there?
You want the Wi-Fi password? Would that help?
I think we got off on the wrong foot, man.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, dude.
Gonna call the [bleep] cops! Leave me alone!
Dude, I'm -- No, look.
You want to hit this lava lamp?
[
Dude! Right dude here!
♪ Praise the Lord with a beautiful song ♪
Stop!
Stop! Listen, stop, bro!
He's wearing just a G-string.
♪♪
And we're back with Omarion.
What's this? The Cup Man?
Wow.
Oh, man.
You got an album out called...
You got a much long-awaited album called...
[ Grunting ]
Aah! Get off me!
[ Laughing ]
[Bleep] you, bitch!
I mean, that was [bleep] powerful.
I don't even hang out under these circumstances, man.
Everybody has a penis.
♪♪
[ Man screaming ]
[ People gasp ]
[ Groans ] Help me. Help.
Are you okay?
I fell down.
And I got to finish, or my boss will kill me.
Yo, yo.
Don't touch me.
Nothing gives you that right.
[
I got to get in my hours.
I have to keep working.
My friend got sleepy.
He's cold.
You can leave him alone.
He's just sleepy.
I hate that guy.
Can you hear me?
We'll shower.
He tried to sleep my wife.
♪♪
♪ Ohhhh ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, celebrity psychic Tyler Henry.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
[
Oh, God, man. I'm really worn down.
I feel you.
♪ Where the streets have no name ♪
That dickhead forced his crappy album onto my iPod.
Can you predict him to die soon?
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
What do you do for, uh...
...you know, fun?
I don't know. Paint?
You want to help us workshop some new characters?
Let's bring them out.
Hey, this is Mohammed Otter.
[ Ululating ]
A sea-animal hijacker.
Oh, this is Jewbacca.
[ Growling softly ]
[ Light applause ]
Jackson Polyps next.
Hey, Jackson.
[ Jazz music playing ]
And then we have N-Word Scissorhands.
Hey, hey, hey. What's up? Y'all niggas want a fade?
And I have no comment.
Okay. Thank you, guys.
Hey, can you talk to the dead?
Can you make me a believer?
I can't make you a believer.
[ Grunting ]
What do you mean? I'm not a skeptic.
Well, then you're a believer.
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, shit!
That's coffee for you.
[ Band laughing ]
Paper straws are behind us.
There you go, right? Who needs them?
I'm, like, consistently...
Yeah.
They do.
I feel like I'm better looking than Macaulay Culkin.
I will put that out there.
Shots fired.
[ Surf rock music playing ]
♪♪
[ Gunfire ]
[ Siren wailing ]
Hey, how you doing, man?
Repair?
I-I need you to erase the footage on this body cam.
I'm in kind of, like, a bad situation.
I don't even know how to do that.
Really? Maybe these magnets will help me futz with it or...
Oh, shit.
Shit.
Second officer has fled the scene.
Shit.
He is considered armed...
Whatever you have to do...
We're both in this now, man.
Look, I know you can help me. Look, look, look.
Take this money, man. It's all yours.
It's liquid. You can invest it in a high-interest CD
and watch your money grow.
I don't even know how to do that.
Trade clothes with me, man.
I can't do that, boss.
No. I can't do it.
You're the cop. I'm Nelson, huh?
You're Officer -- Can we trade clothes?
No.
My chief, she's hot, man.
And if she sees this death footage,
she's going to withhold sex from me.
Do you understand?
♪♪
What the [bleep]?
I smell a crime cooking, and you're the chef.
What are y'all doing here?
[ Farts ]
Yeah. You're on "Fart 'Splosion."
It's a show about, like -- Have you ever farted before?
Of course I've farted. Who the [bleep] don't fart?
[
Ladies and gentlemen, Machine Gun Kelly.
Oh, hell no.
Andre: Now it's time for Machine Bug Kelly.
What the f... [ Rapping ] ♪ I don't like flies ♪
♪ I don't like bugs ♪
Now it's time for Stun Gun Kelly.
[ Zapping ]
Do it. Do it.
♪ Keep rapping ♪
Aah!
[ Laughs ]
Machine Gun Kellyanne Conway.
♪ What are you waiting for? ♪
[Bleep]
Omarion: Oh, you wildin', fam!