(audience cheering)
Thank you for being here.
I brought you presents
(yelling) We love you Martha Stewart!
Look what I brought,
look what I brought.
Oh look at that.
If you don't have enough of Conan.
That's a great holiday card.
You can have more.
Where do you get these? Where are they available?
Those are our design, Martha Stewart Designs,
on Kodak Gallery.
Wow, look at that, that's beautiful.
And look, look at this one.
Yeah, because nothing says the holidays
like this guy right here.
Check out this one right here, that's great.
And then this one, you're an ornament.
Really?
You really should have your children in there.
I like, it says "Happy Hanukkah, Conan O'Brien."
That's nice. (Martha laughs)
Good, that's good, these are great, these are fantastic.
Can I keep these?
Those are for you. Alright.
I'm going to hand these out in Times Square later on.
No, no, you have to order,
you have to order them on the internet,
you send your own photos in
and you get these beautiful cards.
Very nice.
So just mail those in and I get the cards back?
We have so much to talk about,
I haven't seen you for a while.
We have, well, first of all,
I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.
Did you have a nice time?
Oh it was so much better than last year,
except for the weather.
Okay. (audience laughs)
Well what was wrong with last year's Thanksgiving?
Well, last year was the Thanksgiving from hell.
From hell? What happened?
Well, first-
One little fork was slightly out of line on the table.
Oh, much worse than that, Conan,
I don't get upset about things like that anymore.
(laughs) Anymore, oh, okay. You're mellow now.
Yeah, I'm very mellow. Sure.
No, first, first it snowed four feet.
Snowed four feet, I like it when it snows.
I like to roll around in the snow.
That's fine, but I had planned to have
Thanksgiving in the barn
in the stable with the horses, you know,
my horses that you've ridden.
Yes, yes.
And um, and so-
I'm your stable boy.
Yeah. (audience laughs)
He wishes.
And, and then, and then,
so it snowed it was very, very cold,
So we set up a lot of kerosene heaters,
those space heaters, and set the table down there,
and then my little dog, Francesca,
got kicked by one of the horses because they got nervous.
Right.
So we had to take her to the veterinarian,
but she was okay.
Okay.
Then, I'm carving the turkey
and I'm trying to multitask and cutting and smiling,
'cause we were taking pictures for the magazine.
(laughs) Oh, I love that.
You're not just cutting the
turkey at Thanksgiving. I'm smiling.
It's also of course being photographed for the magazine.
Exactly.
It's on the World Wide Web.
Exactly. So, so I sliced my thumb almost off.
So I had-
I can't believe you made a mistake.
Well, the knife slipped, the knife made a mistake.
Oh the knife made a mistake, yes,
it was the, it was the fault of the inanimate object.
It was! So I had to be rushed,
luckily one of my guests was,
knows the hospital really well,
I had never been to the hospital.
So I rushed to the, I was rushed to Mount Kisco Hospital,
and, Westchester, northern Westchester hospital
And, and they took very nice care of me,
but my guests are eating the turkey
while I'm in the hospital.
So you got stitches at the hospital.
Oh I had to have stitches and all those things.
And then, because you know,
the celebrity goes to the hospital,
they hit me up for, you know, a million dollars.
What?
Well, I had to give a donation.
Of a million dollars? Because you got-
For saving, for saving my thumb.
Don't you have healthcare?
(audience laughs)
The rest of us have healthcare.
In northern-
You're like, "What's done in this situation?
Uh, here's a million dollars."
(audience laughs)
In northern Westchester- Why is that?
In northern Westchester, if they take good care of you,
you have to pay back.
Well, I'm staying the hell away from northern Westchester.
Lemme tell ya, I'm known, I'm a little bit of a celebrity,
I go to the hospital, my head could be severed,
I'm not giving them that kind of money.
That's not happening. But you should,
because you should support your local hospital.
Support my local hospital is: "and there's my payment,
it's correct."
They're actually-
You don't have a gold truck back up filled with CREW Grants.
No, actually, you know,
they're building a new emergency wing
and I wanted to help them with that, so.
Is your name going to be on it?
No.
What?!
No, not for a million.
If I gave a hospital a- Five million!
million dollars, there would be
an electronic Conan statue on the roof, revolving.
(audience cheers)
No, no.
I must mention this book because this-
You must, because I'm here-
(overlapping) and I'm telling you something-
I'm here, I'm here for the book, actually.
I know you're, oh no, you're here for, to see me,
this book is incidental.
If we get to the book, we get to it,
if not, we just look at me. (giggles)
This book, I have to say, is very impressive.
This book has everything in it,
this is the "Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook."
It has, I mean, I would, there are some, some facts
I would expect to be in here,
and then there are some, this book is so thorough,
you have a, a part in here that explains
how to organize your firewood.
Yeah.
I didn't think, don't you just
dump firewood into a bucket or something? I mean.
Well, where do you get it from?
From the firewood pile?
(laughs)
So yeah, no, it's all about,
it's all about, just, this book is about organization.
It's about keeping your life orderly,
so that you can get on with other things
and have a nice life, and, you know.
But, but you, you know what a cord of wood is, right?
Cord of wood. I've heard the phrase cord of wood,
but I think, like a lot of people,
I don't know what a cord of wood exactly is.
Okay, a cord of wood is a pile of wood, a stack,
measure, measuring four feet by four feet by two feet.
What does it matter? I mean,
(audience laughing)
why can't it just be-
Excuse me, it's four by four by eight-
(yelling) You made another mistake!
No! (audience cheers)
Four by four by eight.
I'm looking at Conan and thinking that-
You're not Martha Stewart, who are you? Rip.
Four by four by eight.
Four by four by eight?
Yeah, yeah, so it's-
We were all like, she got that wrong.
I know, and don't worry. I would get,
I'd get an email tonight saying it was wrong.
Someone, some firewood nerd would send you an email.
I once said, I once said,
that the plum line chalk came in pink
and I, oh boy, I got a lot of emails.
I can imagine.
(laughing)
You live in a hellish world of your own making.
Oh it's true.
What else, what else did you find interesting?
There's a, there's a part in here that said,
that tells you how to fix a squeaky bed.
Oh.
There's like a fly buzzing around you,
what kind of show are we running here?
I'm not kidding.
It's your fly.
Sorry, yeah.
In my water.
There's like a gnat flying around.
Jeff, what is wrong with our studio?
It's like a barn in here.
Jeff, you brought it in-
This is Martha Stewart, and there's a-
You brought it in from the country.
Yeah, there's a gnat that,
you were just talking and a gnat flew
right in front of your face.
Oh no I saw, I saw it, I saw it, I was trying to,
I was trying to ignore it.
Okay.
But no, the how to fix a squeaky bed,
do you have squeaky beds?
You must.
You bet I do.
(audience laughing and cheering)
Very embarrassing.
I, I also have a couple of beds that are squeaky,
and I have, I, they have to be repaired.
It's very, it is very shockingly embarrassing.
Yeah, I can imagine, yeah.
And you have to sort of ignore it,
you try to ignore it, you know, but it's-
And then your house guests are hearing it, and.
It's very, very embarrassing.
So, there are solutions to the problem.
You know what I always say, Martha?
The plywood.
"If the bed is a-squeakin', don't come a-peekin'."
(audience laughing and clapping)
I'll remember that.
I'm such an ass. I don't know why you keep coming here.
It makes me happy, but.
Because everybody loves me to come on Conan.
Good, oh good. Well they should.
(audience cheers)
You're the best, you're the best.
Seriously, this book has everything you ever
need to know about anything, and you should get it.
It's the-
It's my encyclopedia. It's great.
The "Martha Stewart Homekeeping Handbook" is
available everywhere.