Welcome to the Kill Count, where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies.
I'm James A. Janisse and today we're looking at Never Hike in the Snow,
released a week ago on October 13th, 2020.
Never Hike in the Snow is the sequel to Never Hike Alone, the short film from 2017 that I previously covered on the Kill Count.
Both Never Hike movies, written and directed by Vincente DiSanti, are an excellent booster shot of Voorhees,
providing fans with satisfying portrayals of the murderous manchild Jason as his franchise Friday the 13th lingers in legal limbo.
In case you weren't aware, the reason we haven't seen a new Friday movie since the 2009 remake -
and why there haven't been any content updates to Friday the 13th: The Game -
is that there's a copyright dispute between the original film's director/producer Sean S. Cunningham and its writer Victor Miller.
But that sitch is way too much to get into right now, so, moving on!
Just like with Never Hike Alone, "in the Snow", which takes place 3 months before its predecessor,
is a fun bite-sized serving of slaughter with the slasher subgenre's most famous standard-bearer.
Played mostly by the 6foot3" writer/director Vincente DiSanti, the Never Hike Jason, known as Ghost Jason,
has already earned himself a place among the best Jasons, alongside Kane Hodder's hulking debut in part 7, Ted White's muscley masked man in The Final Chapter,
and CJ Graham's expressive portrayal in Jason Lives - he's the one that all you weirdos keep commenting, quote, "got mad cake".
Speaking of Part 6, while Never Hike Alone mostly referenced the original film, Never Hike in the Snow is closest in connection to Jason Lives.
That film's Tommy Jarvis, actor Thom Mathews, is no longer a quick cameo at the end of the short...
"Remember me, asshole?"
...but instead the top billed actor.
And standing opposite him - aside from, you know, Jason - is Vincent Guastaferro returning as Rick Cologne, now the sheriff of Crystal Lake.
In case you forgot, he was the deputy in Jason Lives - the one with the laser-sight gun
"Ya bang!"
Yeah, ya bang.
But even though it's following its characters, Never Hike in the Snow is not the self-aware comedy that Part 6 was -
it's instead a tight 20 minutes of tension with some very good kills.
How many? Let's find out.
The movie begins with a yellow-coated teenager running frantically through the woods.
I love the long shots showing how much actor Courtlan Gordon was actually bookin ass here, great stamina dude!
Mark Hill uses his fob to find his car, like he was lost in a Kroger parking lot,
but right when he finds it, a big boi in a hockey mask steps out from behind a tree.
Oh no, and he's workin with ranged weapons now? He ain't proficient in those!
But Jason must have leveled up since we last saw him, cause he's able to shoot an arrow that perfectly takes down his target.
With Mark incapacitated, it's slashing time, so Jason takes his axe and slams it right into Mark's mouth.
It's a real bloody mess, especially in contrast with the white snow -
which is part of the reason why many fans have wanted a snow-based Friday the 13th for so long. Thanks for delivering, Vinny!
And also thanks for delivering, Nora Hewitt, who headed a team of FX artists that made this incredible gore.
Can't say the badassery is too surprising though, given that Hewitt is a graduate of Tom Savini's FX school
and was the winner of SyFy's Face Off in 2015.
*reality TV suspense sting* "Nora." *people cheer*
Nora: "Holy crap!"
Hewitt and her team based their work off of concept art done by Bill Hunt, who was an FX artist on Jason Goes to Hell and friggin Lord of the Rings.
All these pictures will be available to view on the short film's blu ray, by the way, due out in December.
Heads-up for my photosensitive meaties, cause this film's got one blinky ass TITLE CARDDD - complete with legal disclosure!
Mark's bloody murder scene is found by Crystal Lake sheriff Rick Cologne and his deputy Alan Mabry,
played by the film's stunt coordinator and Jason stunt double Bryan Forrest - who also did stunts in Never Hike Alone!
Cologne says he's gonna go break the news to Mark's mom, and in the meantime, Deputy Mabry needs to CLEAN UP HIS ROOM!
Er, clean up this crime scene! Even though that's not exactly protocol
"Why don't you just do what I ask, and then beat it."
Sheriff Cologne visits Mark's mom Diana and tells her that her son is missing, earning a reaction like she was stuck in the sunken place
*whispering* "No no no no no no, no no no no..."
She thinks back to the last time she saw him, when he left with a forehead kiss and a pep in his step to go take photos on a hike.
She allows Cologne to spray himself all over Mark's room in an effort to find a clue -
he does in the form of some maps and a photo of Camp Crystal Lake, but he stuffs them in his shirt without telling Diana.
He leaves her home and she hops on Mark's computer where she sees that he was learning how to Hike in the Snow from Kyle, the protagonist of Never Hike Alone.
She also sees a picture of her and her son together, and that makes her sad.
Hm, wonder why he had it open in Photoshop though. Yo, and name your layers dawg!
Although Mark is currently a frozen corpsicle, we see that when his heart was still pumpin blood, dude was all about photo-documenting the defunct Camp Crystal Lake.
And the last picture he took was of an angry Jason Voorhees.
Yes, Jason, that's called a photograph!
See, you could take that file and send it to- welp, nevermind. You know what, it-it's fine, it's not like Jason has any friends or family.
Other than his dead mom, who he sometimes hallucinates as his young hot mom. Huh.
Wonder if he also sees himself as younger and hotter - nope, guess not.
*echo-y and distorted* "So handsome..."
But a mother's love can overpower all. And that's nice.
I mentioned earlier that actor and stunt performer Bryan Forrest shares the role of Jason with Vincente DiSanti.
Forrest plays the adult Jason in this scene, while young Pamela is played by his significant other, Lennon Hobson. Talk about confusing roleplay.
Tommy Jarvis, now possibly a woods dweller, has been running around carving JASON into cop cars and trying to trespass onto Camp Crystal Lake grounds.
But Sheriff Cologne catches him prowlin and points his laser gun at him - and you know what happens wherever that red dot goes
"Ya bang!"
All that guy want, bang bang bang.
Cologne has Jarvis arrested, and as TJ gets tugged away, he references an old line of his
"...locked you up in jail, you pussy!"
"Come on, ya pussy!"
Ohhhh, we doin the classics, mutha fucka? Well, spray this in your face!
"Ya bang..."
Wanting to know more about Jason, the name that Tommy carved into his car hood,
Deputy Mabry goes to the Crystal Lake campgrounds even though Cologne told him to go home.
He first person looks around and though he doesn't find any Cyber Demons, he does discover that Jason keeps a coupla spare masks on hand -
including one with the blue chevrons worn by Roy Burns in Part 5: A New Beginning.
Mabry's just about to leave when he notices a light on in one of the buildings.
When he heads inside, he finds the light coming from some candles situated around a severed head, with a bald figure sitting silently in front of it.
Mabry sees Mark's corpse and orders the figure to put his hands on his head - uh, the one attached to his neck, not the one on the table -
but then the power goes out from... uh, not sure actually, Jason's zombie powers?
When the lights come back on, Mabry's all alone...
*intense scream like sting, Mabry screams and gun shot explodes*
OH! NEVERMIND, JASON JUST BLEW THAT GUY'S HEAD OFF HOLY SHIT!
You a wild mutha fucka, Jason.
Then the credits start playing and I'm like, what the fuck, I wanted to watch more. But I guess that's why it's called a short film.
"Some folks have a strange idea of entertainment."
How many kills was tall-ass Jason able to get inside this short-ass film?
Let's find out and-
... aw shit, what was I supposed to say there?
*echo-y* To the numbers James, to the numbers..."
That's right severed-head mom, thank you!"
She's the best!
Only 2 people died in Never Hike in the Snow, same as Never Hike Alone -
though this time both of em were dudes.
With a runtime of 31 minutes, which, yes, 6 of which were credits, we had a kill on average every 15.5 minutes.
I'll give the Golden Chainsaw for Coolest Kill to Deputy Mabry. I mean y'all know what I like by now, I like the head esplody.
And no Dull Machete for this one, folks, cause Mark's kill was cool too!
And that's it. Never Hike in the Snow came out a week ago, in 2020,
and you should go watch the whole thing, because it's got a nice atmosphere and it looks real pretty.
Until next time I'm James A. Janisse.
This has been the Kill Count.
Thanks a lot for watching this Kill Count. I wanna thank some Patrons, like
Citlaly Ruvalcaba, Brett Krasnecky,
Alex Garcia, Cameron Blandford,
Alex C, and How Could You Podcast
Also, huge thanks to David at RedneckSlasherStudio on Etsy
He made that awesome Pamela Voorhees head and then shipped it super fast so it could get here in time for me to film with it.
Thank you David! I hope everyone checks out your store, that's RedneckSlasherStudio on Etsy,
Fuckin awesome work, man!
Thanks everyone! Be good people.