>>> GOOD EVENING. I'M TUCKER CARLSON, TONIGHT I'M
YOUR HOST AND HUMAN WHITE CLAW, TUCKER CARLSON.
THE "STAR WARS" LADY BEING CANCELED JUST FOR HOLDING THE
CONSERVATIVE BELIEF THAT EWOKS ARE JEWISH.
WHY? THEY ARE.
BUT FIRST, THERE'S A LOT TO COVER TONIGHT INCLUDING THE
IMPEACHMENT. SO IN PLACE OF MY USUAL
MONOLOGUE, HERE'S A LOOSE COLLECTION OF SCARE MONGERING
NON SEQUITURS. IS AOC HIDING IN YOUR HOUSE
RIGHT NOW? I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST HER.
PRONOUNS FOR DOGS? COME ON.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THEY'RE BOYS. PIXAR.
IS IT MAKING OUR KIDS DEPRESSED OR GAY?
PICK ONE. THE IMPEACHMENT HAS REACHED ITS
FOREGONE CONCLUSION WITH THE ACQUITTAL OF DONALD J. TRUMP.
TONIGHT'S FIRST GUEST AS POWER PLAYER IN THOSE HEARINGS.
PLEASE WELCOME 65-YEAR-OLD TEACHER'S PET, SENATOR LINDSEY
GRAHAM. >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, TUCKER.
IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR 30% OF AMERICA.
AND TONIGHT WE PARTY! [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOW. WELL, LINDSEY, YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY
VERY HAPPY ABOUT THE VERDICT. >> LOOK, TUCKER.
THIS -- THIS "TRIAL" WAS OFFENSIVE AND ABSURD.
LIKE A FRICKIN' EPISODE OF "RICK AND MORTIE," EXCUSE MY FOUL
LANGUAGE. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT WE ALL AGREE THE ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL WAS A HORRIBLE
THING. JUST BECAUSE THE RIOTERS WERE
YELLING FIGHT FOR TRUMP DOESN'T MEAN THEY MEANT DONALD TRUMP.
COULD HAVE BEEN SOME REAL TIFFANY HEADS.
MAYBE EVEN SOME ERIC STEMS. I DON'T KNOW.
BUT REGARDLESS, THE TRIAL IS OVER, AND NOW WE CAN MOVE PAST
THIS AND FOCUS ON THE SERIOUS ISSUES, THAT'S LOCKING UP
HILLARY AND FREEING BEAUTIFUL BRITNEY SPEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH. THAT'S A GREAT POINT, LINDSEY,
IT REALLY MAKES ME CONTORT MY FACE LIKE I'M THINKING.
>> I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE STILL INSISTS ON TAKING
DONALD TRUMP DOWN. HE IS SMART.
HE IS NICE. HE'S IN SHAPE.
LAST FALL HE DIED OF COVID, AND DIDN'T EVEN TELL NOBODY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND NOW EVERYBODY'S SAYING HE
ATTEMPTED A COUP. HE DIDN'T ATTEMPT A COUP.
HE IS COOL. [ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S THE COOLEST GUY I KNOW. >> YEAH, MAYBE THE COOLEST GUY
EVER? >> LOOK.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS THE GOOD GUYS WON AGAIN.
AND WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT THIS BASTARD.
GET IN HERE, TED CRUZ. >> WOW.
SENATOR CRUZ. WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
>> WELL, THANKS, TUCKER. WHAT DOES -- WAIT, WHAT DOES IT
SAY BELOW ME? OH, YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT TRUMP SAID ABOUT MY WIFE.
YEAH. I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
BUT SINCE TRUMP IS THE BOSS, SORRY, HONEY, YA BUSTED.
>> JUST IN TIME FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
WOW. AND CAN I SAY, THE BEARD IS
WORKING. >> WELL, YOU'D BE THE FIRST.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NOW, MR. TRUMP'S DEFENSE TEAM
GOT OFF TO A PRETTY ROUGH START EARLIER IN THE WEEK.
CAN YOU TELL ME HOW YOU PULLED THIS OUT?
WHILE YOU TALK, I'M GOING TO HAVE A LOOK ON MY FACE LIKE A
BABY SEEING HIS FIRST BALLOON. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANKS FOR THE QUESTION, TUCKER.
LIKE ANY IMPARTIAL JUROR, WE TOOK IT UPON OURSELVES TO MEET
WITH THE DEFENSE LAWYERS, TO GIVE THEM SOME VERY SIMPLE LEGAL
ADVICE. STOP, AND DON'T.
>> OVERALL, TED AND I ARE EXTREMELY PROUD OF TRUMP'S
LAWYERS, WHO ARE BOTH PARTNERS AT THE LAW FIRM OF SALINO AND
YAKS. >> DAMN RIGHT.
THANKS, TUCKER. >> THANKS, GENTLEMEN.
ON THE SUBJECT OF THE TRUMP DEFENSE TEAM, LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT SOME OF THEIR ARGUMENTS FROM EARLY.
>> HELLO, SENATE AND OTHER SERIOUS PEOPLE.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING UNPREPARED LAST TIME I WAS OUT
HERE. WIFE BOUGHT DECAF.
BUT I PROMISE I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU NOW.
AS YOU ALL KNOW, I AM THE LEAD PROSECUTOR -- NOPE, SORRY, I AM
THE COUNSEL. I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
BUT AS TRUMP'S BAILIFF -- NOPE, NOT RIGHT EITHER.
BRIDESMAID -- NOPE, SORRY, I NEED A SECOND, HA.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE PROSECUTION!
WOWZER, AM I RIGHT? Y'ALL RULED IT, CRUSHED IT.
WELL, THAT'S MY TIME! [ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE FROM IT HERE.
MY NAME IS MR. VAN DER VEEN. THAT'S DUTCH FOR "MAN OF THE
PENIS." [ LAUGHTER ]
SO I'VE HEARD IT ALL. ALL RIGHT?
FIRST OFF, LET ME SAY THAT I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I AM NOT LIKE YOU. OKAY?
I'M NOT FROM WASHINGTON. I'M A PHILLY BOY, AND I'VE SAID
THAT OVER AND OVER. AND THIS IS THE WORST THING
THAT'S BEEN IN THIS SENATE CHAMBER IN THE HISTORY OF A
COUPLE OF WEEKS. JIMINY CRICKETS!
AND NOW THE HOUSE WANTS TO BRING UP WITNESSES OVER ZOOM?
ZOOM? I CAN'T AFFORD TO ZOOM.
YOU THINK I'M GETTING PAID FOR THIS?
AND THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY LAST DAY.
I ALREADY BOUGHT A NONREFUNDABLE TRAIN TICKET BACK TO
PHILLY-VANIA, PENNSYL-DELPHIA. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IF THEY INSIST ON WITNESSES, I'M GOING TO CALL SOME OF MY
OWN. LIKE VICE PRESIDENT KAHLUA
HARRIS. ANJA PRESLEY.
OLAN OMAHA. DID I MISS HIGH PRONOUNCE THE
NAMES OF THESE WOMEN OF COLOR ON PURPOSE OR OUT OF IGNORANCE?
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
IF YOU THINK DONALD TRUMP SAYING THE WORD "FIGHT" IS A CRIME,
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TAPE. >> WE WILL FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.
>> FIGHT. >> FIGHT.
FIGHT. >> FIGHT.
>> FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. >> FIGHT CLUB.
>> FIGHT. >> GUNGANS NO DYING WITHOUT A
FIGHT. >> WELL SAID, JAR-JAR.
ME-SA REST MY CASE. >> WE GO TO THE FINAL WITNESS OF
THE NIGHT, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MICHAEL COHEN.
>> HELLO, TUCKER. >> NOW, SENATOR McCONNELL, WHY
DID YOU VOTE TO ACQUIT DONALD TRUMP?
>> BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CANNOT IMPEACH A FORMER
PRESIDENT. THAT'S WHY WE SHOULD HAVE
IMPEACHED HIM BEFORE, BACK WHEN I SAID WE COULDN'T.
>> THAT LOGIC PRETZELS OUT. BUT WHAT DO YOU REALLY THINK OF
TRUMP? >> I THINK HE'S GUILTY AS HELL.
AND THE WORST PERSON I EVER MET. AND I HOPE EVERY CITY, COUNTY,
AND STATE LOCKS HIS ASS UP. OH!
GOD, THAT FELT GOOD! I'VE BEEN HOLDING THAT INSIDE MY
NECK FOR FOUR YEARS! [ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT CRACKER CRUMBS IN HERE. >> WOW.
SO WHAT'S NEXT? >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY
COLLEAGUES, BUT I PLAN TO REACH MY HAND ACROSS THE AISLE.
AND THEN YANK IT BACK AND SLIDE IT ACROSS MY HAIR AND SAY, "TOO
SLOW." HA HA!
>> THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. THANKS FOR COMING, SENATOR.
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS AD FOR SENIOR EMERGENCY BUTTONS.
BUT FIRST, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT!"