Codependency, that's a buzzword in psychology. How to break codependency
habits today at Live On Purpose TV.
Codependent? Where did you hear that word? It probably came up in the context of a
relationship, I'm guessing. I first heard that word probably two decades ago when
I was reading a book called codependent no more by Melody Beattie and I was
interested in it because I was running some groups at the time with people who
are going through some addictions so let me give you the context around the word
codependent or the context of codependency and then we'll talk about
some things we can do about it. The concept of codependency arose from the
context of the addiction and working with people who were dealing with
addictions. Alcoholism, for example, is a really great example of where
codependency came from. The person who is struggling with the addiction has a way
of enrolling or recruiting or inviting people into their world who will take
care of them and this makes sense, right? Because you need to have your needs met
but if you're dealing with an addiction or some other kind of chronic disability
or health concern, it's a little hard to meet those needs by yourself, it's a
whole lot easier to get somebody else to do that for you. So what if I could get
somebody to provide me with money, for example, and I get to still have my
addiction but I get money from this source so I don't have to go work, alright.
Now that's a little bit of an extreme example but what if
it's housing, a place to live. I can always have a place to live, I don't have
to be responsible for that because this person is going to provide it for me.
Are you getting a sense? Now codependent refers to this dynamic and in a codependent
relationship, the person who is helping becomes dependent on the addicted or
disabled person to provide them with an opportunity to serve. Does that sound a
little crazy? But it can actually be a dependent
relationship on this side too, where it's so important for this person to be the
hero or to be the rescuer or to be the person who is providing that necessary
resource or support for this poor helpless person over here who can't do
it for themselves. Now it gives them a sense of importance or worth to do that
and don't get me wrong, I mean, service is an important concept, we're going to talk
about that in other videos as to how it supports your mental health, it's huge.
I'm a big fan. The problem with codependency is that becomes a
dependency, in other words, I've got to be in this relationship to feel important
when that continues for a while so you've got the addict or the
chronic illness over here and the provider of support and services over
here and they link up in a way that they cannot separate so it starts to feel
trapped and the more tight that grip becomes, the harder it is to keep it and
that's the problem and it becomes a dysfunctional relationship and not only
that but the support provided by this person over here allows this person over
here to continue or perpetuate that negative or addictive behavior, we call
that enabling. Maybe you've run into that term before too. So there's a dilemma
that we come up against. As parents, who are as people who have loved ones who
are in an addiction or someone in our family or in our household who's in that
position because we want to balance our love and caring for them with not
getting into that codependent relationship where we actually enable
their behavior and allow it to continue. So this is why people want to break that
pattern sometimes. Well how do you do that? You know what, I think it starts
with our belief. Well that's going to surprise you because I'm always coming
back to paradigm and belief, right? Starting from that place, what do you
really believe about this person and their resourcefulness?
Have to tell you a story about April. April is this young teenage girl who is
in a group that I was running probably fifteen years ago, she and her family
were referred to the group by the court and this is when I was doing some
services for for court referred youth. Anyway, we were running a group where
there were advancements available and she shows up, huffin and puffin, she's
about ten minutes late to group, okay, and she bursts through the door and she
comes in and kind of disrupts what's going on in the group and her mom kind
of struggles in behind her. Well, she raises her hand a few minutes later and
says, "Oh, I want to apply for the advancement." Okay, pause. One of the
requirements for obtaining the advancement is to be on time for every
group session for a certain period of time. She was late today, she was late the
week before too but she's applying for the advancement, okay. We start to entertain
her requests, tell us about what you've done to do this and the group is all on
board, they're like, "Oh yeah, I think she deserves it." And then one person on this
side of the group says, "Wait a minute, wasn't she late last week and again
today?" I'm glad they brought it up because that saved me from being the bad
guy, right? So they brought it up. Well she launches into this story about, oh, but
it's not my fault, but my mom was late picking me up and she had to work
and it was really important that she works and so she was late picking me up
and that's why I was late for group. Okay, pause again cause I want to give you the
context for why she was in the group in the first place. She had broken some laws
in Las Vegas Nevada, okay, the group was being run right here
in my office in Orem Utah, she had broken some laws in Las Vegas Nevada, it wasn't
her mom that gave her a ride to Las Vegas. Her home is maybe a mile from the
office. Honestly, what is she asking us to believe, that she can't get herself to
group on time but she can get herself to another state to commit a crime? Do you see
the disconnect? What is this young lady capable of? And
yet, when we get into a codependent relationship, we start to believe that
that person cannot do it without us. Honestly, what are they asking us to
believe? Consider this, they were resourceful enough to not only
recruit you but to train you, to provide for all of those needs, that's pretty
darn resourceful. What else could they do if we were to set the appropriate
boundaries around that? Now that's simple but it's not easy and it's not easy
because our emotions get involved. So you might need a coach or someone to help
you see the clarity of the situation because when you get into that
relationship, it can be kind of blinding and it doesn't feel like there's any way
out. I have a basic fundamental belief that human beings are enormously
resourceful and even those who are, we might call them disabled or addicted or
whatever, it's not about what you can't do, it's about what you can do.
So your focus on that will help to put you in a position where you can actually
help them more and probably break that pattern of codependency. So to wrap this
up, here's the short version.. Refrain from rescuing and that is hard to do because
they make a compelling argument for the rescue but we need to refrain from
rescuing because that's what empowers them to turn on that brain, that
resourceful brain that they have so that they can step up and actually find some
of their own answers to that. Sometimes we call it tough love and there's a
reason why we call it tough because it's not easy, simple and easy are not the
same thing. Hopefully this little conversation about codependency and what
it is might shed a little bit of light on what you can do next to move forward
in breaking those patterns. You know what? People are more resourceful than we know
and I think believing that about them really serve them and us as well.
I'll see you tomorrow at Live On Purpose TV.